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Selena:
Fierce listeners, we are on number five of our quick Q&A here.

Ryan:
Alright! Yeah. Here we go!

Selena:
We got a good question that we want to conquer today with all of ya’ll! [Ryan snickers] So…

Ryan:
So not southern.

Selena:
I know… I know. [Selena chuckles and inhales] So, one burning question that someone sent via I believe this Instagram. “Marriage/sex life after baby.” Let me repeat that. [Ryan snickers] “Marriage or sex life after a baby.” Whew!

Ryan:
Yeah, so—

Selena:
So, what does your life look like after having a baby, and more importantly what does your sex life look like after having a baby?

Ryan:
Yeah. So, let’s paint the picture here. Everyone who’s had a kid knows this; if you haven’t had a kid yet and you plan on having kids, A. Awesome. Kids are a blessing. B. It does have a bit of a learning curve [Selena snickers], but it all ends up in, I think, our betterment [Ryan chuckles] as people.

Selena:
[Chuckling] Yes.

Ryan:
So, the picture is you just had a baby. The baby is obviously needing special care—

Selena:
Mm-hm.

Ryan:
Special attention, because it’s a baby. [Snickers]

Selena:
Right.

[00:00:59]
Ryan:
And not a full-grown kid or adult. [Both chuckle] And also, after having a child, why don’t you say something about just physically the toll that it takes?

Selena:
Right. If we’re talking obviously about a biological baby, physically you’ve been, as a woman, you’ve carried this baby for ten months and you are now not “two as one” anymore. You are two people, and so the baby’s obviously learning to adapt. You’re learning to adapt.

Ryan:
Wait, wait! You’re not “two as one” anymore? What do you mean? …Oh, the baby, the kid! Okay.

Selena:
Yeah.

Ryan:
The kid is out of the womb. [Laughs]

Selena:
Yes, sorry. You and your husband are still “two as one.”

Ryan:
[Both chuckling] Okay. Yeah.

Selena:
Just… try to keep up. [Laughs]

Ryan:
I’m working on it! It’s hard.

Selena:
But, yeah. There’s—I mean, it’s kind of a… I feel like it’s this crossing. It’s this rite of passage that you go through. And it’s not easy. And it is beautiful and awesome and hard. It’s the hardest this you’ll ever do, but it’s good. And physically, there’s just some mechanics that you got to wait for to get kind of—

Ryan:
Right.

Selena:
Back in the saddle, so to speak. [Both laugh]

Ryan:
[Laughing] Got to use that phrasing.

Selena:
That’s always the best one. [Laughs]

[00:02:01]
Ryan:
So, obviously, having a child coming through the birth canal does leave some… a wake. There’s a wake in the child’s arrival.

Selena:
Mm. Mm-hm!

Ryan:
That is just you take some time to heal. And the doctors will say typically six weeks.

Selena:
Mm-hm.

Ryan:
Is about how long it should take to heal. So, in that six weeks, it’s different than, say, after that six weeks. Right? So, in that six weeks, sex is functionally impossible, alright? Without pain, without further—

Selena:
Right! Depending on…

Ryan:
Without further causing bleeding, and I think that—

Selena:
On your body. Yep! And the journey of healing there. But there are other options that you can explore as a married couple! And…

Ryan:
Yeah. So, and that’s, I think, obvious. I mean, not obvious, but you can explore those options as a married couple.

Selena:
Right…

Ryan:
What I want to say is, to husbands, this is not a time to be selfish. [Selena snickers] This is not a time for you to get frustrated and indignant toward your wife. It’s a time for you to, A. Recognize that she needs your humble servant service more than ever!

Selena:
Yes.

Ryan:
Meaning that you’re just serving her and helping her. And knowing that she’s gone through this labor, and that she needs help healing, and she’s adjusting to life as a mother—

[00:03:06]
Selena:
It’s a seaso—Yes.

Ryan:
It’s a season where you need to help.

Selena:
Season of adjustment. Yeah.

Ryan:
And be strong and brave and all these things.

Selena:
Mm-hm.

Ryan:
That’s the first part. The second part is you need to communicate with her!

Selena:
Mm…

Ryan:
Okay. So, a lot of times we can just go into our deep dark place and we just say, “Oop! She’s no longer available, so I’m going to figure it out on my own.” Which, depending on your past, it can lead you down a series of bad behaviors, and habit-forming behaviors, namely pornography.

Selena:
Mm-hm.

Ryan:
Namely, satisfying yourself in a way that’s not glorifying to God and all these different things.

Selena:
Right…

Ryan:
And you’re not talking to you spouse through that… and it creates issues down the line.

Selena:
Right.

Ryan:
So, that doesn’t mean you have to starve yourself for six weeks.

Selena:
Right.

Ryan:
You can talk to your spouse and figure things out, I think is what you were saying.

Selena:
Right! And talk about it even before the pregnancy if you can. Or not before the pr—

Ryan:
Yes! Good point.

Selena:
Before the birth and delivery. Try to get a plan in place and understand the frequency of when you need to be… intimate physically!

[00:04:03]
Ryan:
Mm.

Selena:
And how that can look after having a baby, and…

Ryan:
Mm.

Selena:
Understand that, as a woman, as a mom and a wife, there’s a lot of pressures happening there. There’s a lot of hormones that are going to have to settle down as well.

Ryan:
Yeah.

Selena:
So, just understand there’s an adjustment time. There’s an adjustment period.

Ryan:
Right.

Selena:
Give yourself grace. Give your spouse grace. [Inhales] Have a plan. Don’t be so rigid about it but have a loose plan of how you can maintain intimacy without actually having intercourse, if that makes sense.

Ryan:
Wow!

Selena:
And…

Ryan:
Good! So, that’s the first kind of “stage,” I’ll say.

Selena:
Mm-hm! Yeah…

Ryan:
That first six to eight weeks when you’re figuring it out. Now, from eight weeks on… You have a new person in the house. [Selena snickers] And they are going to start moving around in the house.

Selena:
Eight weeks, give or take! [Both laugh] I would say…

Ryan:
[Chuckling] Give or take.

Selena:
[Chuckling] Six to eight weeks. Yeah!

Ryan:
But you have this other little individual, if not multiple little kids in the house, and so, you’re having to figure out how do we maintain a healthy, intimate life, so we’re not being disconnected…

Selena:
Mm-hm.

Ryan:
After this new reality hits.

Selena:
Right. Right.

[00:05:00]
Ryan:
And so, to that we say, obviously, you have to kind of be innovative. You have to discern. You have to talk, talk, talk through everything.

Selena:
Mm-hm.

Ryan:
But in general, in our experience, we’ve just recognized naps are a gift from [Chuckling] God.

Selena:
[Chuckles] Right. Take advantage of the nap time, even though you may find yourself being tired as a mom, or even if you’ve gone out and done stuff with the kids as a family—

Ryan:
Right.

Selena:
Just take advantage of that nap time. It really is… building that intimacy and that unity.

Ryan:
Mm.

Selena:
And even if it feels more functional than—

Ryan:
Talk through that!

Selena:
Passionate, yes, talk through that.

Ryan:
Mm-hm.

Selena:
Communicate through that, and understand…

Ryan:
Mm-hm.

Selena:
Recognize the opportunity. Steal those minutes and moments together!

Ryan:
Yeah. One of the things that we’ve recognized in the past is that 15 and 20 minutes of extra sleep at night, or extra nap time as adults, ‘cause sometimes when you’re tired, you want to take a nap with the kid, ’cause, we always say, “Rest when the baby’s resting.”

Selena:
[Giggle] Mm-hm.

Ryan:
But at night, that 15 or 20 minutes won’t make or break your marriage. It won’t make or break your day. But 15, 20 minutes of connecting with each other could have a very significant impact on the health of your unity, on the health of your marriage.

[00:06:06]
Selena:
Absolutely!

Ryan:
Your intimate life. So, naps are a gift, meaning the naps the kids take. Steal the minutes and moments together.

Selena:
Yeah. Recognize those opportunities.

Ryan:
Mm-hm.

Selena:
And then, one thing that we have done in the past, and for better, for worse, we’ve used the screen time as a tool…

Ryan:
Mm-hm!

Selena:
To be able to allow our kids to sit and watch a show or something that will [Selena giggles] kind of distract them and keep them safe, while we go… “entertain ourselves.” [Both laugh] I guess.

Ryan:
Win-win! Win-win all around.

Selena:
Yeah. You be wise about that, of course.

Ryan:
Yeah, you have to have some discernment and wisdom.

Selena:
Yeah. It’s not hours on end. We’re very… frugal in how we frame screen time and—

Ryan:
I think we tend to overcorrect on stuff like this, where you think, “Oh! Screens are terrible! So, my kids can never watch anything, and they can only read classical literature.” [Selena chuckles] “And we’re just going to deal with it, ‘cause that’s our pri—” Well, that’s overcorrecting. Alright. Screens are not going to raise your child.

Selena:
Right.

Ryan:
But you can let your child watch… A show that’s violent or whatever.

[00:07:03]
Selena:
Right. Right. They’re tools.

Ryan:
And it’s not going to ruin them.

Selena:
There’s education, there’s lots of…

Ryan:
There’s balance there.

Selena:
People have gone out of their way to make awesome shows—

Ryan:
Mm-hm.

Selena:
For little kids to learn lots of things.

Ryan:
Mm-hm. And then finally, I just want to throw this one in here, is invest in finding and hiring a good babysitter. [Selena snickers] At least once a month—

Selena:
Yeah.

Ryan:
If not twice a month…

Selena:
Mm-hm.

Ryan:
To give you time to actually connect over a period of hours—

Selena:
Mm.

Ryan:
As opposed to a period of minutes. So, actually hiring someone to care. Ask a grandparent to come in, or a friend.

Selena:
Get something regular.

Ryan:
Yeah!

Selena:
On the calendar.

Ryan:
Get something regular on the calendar. That’s very important and vital for your ongoing health and adjusting to this new “normal.”

Selena:
Right!

Ryan:
And you’ll find your rhythms!

Selena:
Yep!

Ryan:
You just got to be able to talk through it and try things, and then go with what works.

Selena:
Give yourself grace. Give each other grace. [Quietly chuckles]

Ryan:
And be disciplined enough to stick to what works and make it a priority.

Selena:
Yep!

Ryan:
Alright! So, hopefully that was helpful.

Selena:
Yeah! We’re right in the thick of it, people!

Ryan:
We’re right [Selena chuckles] in the thick of it. We just had our third daughter, and she’s about 10 weeks old right now. So, we’re working it out with three daughters and—

[00:08:00]
Selena:
Yep! It’s good times!

Ryan:
It wasn’t always easy, but it’s getting easier.

Selena:
Mm-hm!

Ryan:
So, anyway. Thanks for listening, and as usual we will be back in a few days with a regular episode of the Fierce Marriage podcast, and a Q&A shortly after that! Until next time!

Selena:
Stay fierce!

[00:08:20]

Podcast ends.