Dating Your Spouse, Podcast, Q&A

Quick Q&A 6: How can we have better dates?

Dates should be fun! Sometimes we just need reminders for how to keep them that way. Today we discussed exactly that!

Transcript Shownotes

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Full Episode Transcript

Ryan:
Alright, ladies and gentlemen! We are back again with a quick Q&A for our Fierce Marriage listeners. [Selena inhales] And today— What? What are we going to talk about?

Selena:
We are going to talk about how to have a better date night!

Ryan:
Date life!

Selena:
Life, night. It’s all the same!

Ryan:
What if you have a date day [Selena giggles], or a morn—I love breakfast dates! You know that. If you knew me, you would [Uses an upset voice] take me out on breakfast dates! [Selena snickers and Ryan giggles] Big fan of bacon and eggs!

Selena:
Boy! I make you breakfast every day! [Ryan chuckles]

Ryan:
Anyways. We got like seven minutes here, so…

Selena:
I didn’t have reference. [Sniffs in] Let’s steward this time well.

Ryan:
Alright, so—

Selena:
No. But we get a lot of questions, a lot of write-ins specifically around how to kind of establish a date night, and why… Well, it’s not really, “How do I get a date night?” right? You know how to do that! It’s, “How do I connect with my spouse better?”

Ryan:
Right, right.

Selena:
“How do we prioritize our relationship?” and “How do we have some emotional intimacy, not just physical?”

Ryan:
When people are—

Selena:
You just want me for my body…

Ryan:
So, given that big purpose of wanting to have a deeper connection, deeper emotional bond, better emotional intimacy, then it leaves us wanting, right?

Selena:
Yeah, yeah.

Ryan:
So, we want that deeper thing. So, now we need tools, we need practical application.

Selena:
Right.

Ryan:
And we need some ideas, frankly!

Selena:
Right!

Ryan:
So!

Selena:
And date nights can kind of get stagnant if we’re not careful. I mean, I know that our lives tend to get busy [Inhales], especially with children. But we can very easily just fall into, “Okay. Yeah. This is our date night. Let’s go get food. Meh.” Like, kind of whatever. It’s nothing—

Ryan:
Right!

Selena:
Exciting or fun, and—

Ryan:
Right.

Selena:
We’re longing for that connection, right? We’re longing for that emotional intimacy or even physical intimacy! That’s—

Ryan:
Yeah!

Selena:
Difficult to… do too sometimes [Laughing] when there’s… a busy schedule.

Ryan:
So, that’s very true. Especially with kids! You got to be strategic. [Selena laughs] So, the first step is to plan and prioritize for it.

Selena:
There’s a lot of Ps! There’s a lot of Ps here. I think we should narrow these down to a few Ps.

Ryan:
Okay. Well, the first one’s plan and prioritize.

Selena:
Yeah.

Ryan:
And what that means is a lot of times people say, “Okay! We’re just going to put it on the calendar, and then we’re going to do it!”

Selena:
Mm-hm!

Ryan:
But, where a lot of couples fall short, and where we’ve fallen short, is you’ll put it on… You’ll just like fit it in, or it will be on a Friday night. Well, for us, Friday night is usually the worst night of the week.

Selena:
[Snickers] Like, can we just…

Ryan:
Even though it’s supposed to be the date night, right?

Selena:
Yeah, yeah!

Ryan:
Well, everyone else is having a date night. So, good luck getting a reservation or getting somewhere where it’s not crowded for one.

Selena:
Yeah!

Ryan:
Secondly, it’s the end of the week! So, you’re completely just…

Selena:
Yeah!

Ryan:
Tired.

Selena:
You’re not ready to give the best of yourself.

Ryan:
Wrung-out! Yeah!

Selena:
You just kind of give the rest of yourself. Like that?

Ryan:
Oh! Oh, I like that!

Selena:
Uh-huh!

Ryan:
I’m going to tweet that later!

Selena:
Uh-oh!

Ryan:
No, I’m not. It was too trite. [Selena laughs] I’m not going to tweet that later. [Ryan laughs]

Selena:
[Laughing] We are processing…

Ryan:
No, but we had a friend of ours, a guy friend. I was talking to him last night, and he was like, “Yeah, we’re trying to do dates nights, but we keep just falling short!” And I said, “Well, when are they?” He said, “Friday nights.” I said, “Well, do it on Tuesday night!” [Chuckles]

Selena:
[Snicker] Yeah. [Inhales]

Ryan:
Do it on Monday night, when you’re not drained from the week.

Selena:
We’re not laughing at our friend; we’re laughing at ourselves, because we’ve done that!

Ryan:
Yeah!

Selena:
We do that occasionally, but…

Ryan:
Right!

Selena:
We’re like, “Gosh! We’re so just tired! Let’s pick a different date to give ourselves the best of each other!” Right?

Ryan:
Yeah!

Selena:
And to give each other the best focused time, the most energy. [Inhales]

Ryan:
Mm-hm.

Selena:
The most excitement! Looking forward to it. Plus, Monday and Tuesday, it’s like blehhh, the beginning of the week, right?

Ryan:
Yeah! [Inhales] So, yeah. That’s the first one. Prioritize in your calendar, but also your energy—

Selena:
Mm-hm.

Ryan:
And your mental fortitude.

Selena:
Yes!

Ryan:
[Inhales] Reserve some of that for this specific time when you’re going to have your date or you’re going to connect. And then prioritize financially! Right? So, a lot of couples say, “Well, we can’t afford to go on a date because X, Y, and Z.” First off, dates don’t have to be expensive.

Selena:
Yes!

Ryan:
Second off, even if you’re paying for a babysitter, we’ll say what? $20 an hour, $25 an hour.

Selena:
[Snickers] That’s a good babysitter! [Laughs]

Ryan:
I don’t—how much are babysitters?

Selena:
[Laughing] I don’t know!

Ryan:
I don’t know.

Selena:
How much is a banana, anyways? [Both laugh]

Ryan:
[Chuckling] $20? So, even if say it’s $20 for two hours. Right? So, it’s 40 or 50 bucks. Okay. That’s not cheap! I’m not going to say that that’s cheap.

Selena:
Right.

Ryan:
But I am saying it’s a worthwhile investment.

Selena:
Very. Yes!

Ryan:
Especially is you have young kids at home.

Selena:
Yup!

Ryan:
And otherwise, you’re not going to really get that one-on-one time!

Selena:
Absolutely!

Ryan:
Of course, you could do it after they go to sleep. But again, you’re kind of subjecting yourself to hours of the day when you’re going to be more tired.

Selena:
Right, right! And I think one of the most important ones is to pause your phone! This is my attempt at the Ps! [Inhales]

Ryan:
Phone starts with P too. So…

Selena:
I know! But it doesn’t “puh!”

Ryan:
It’s not alliterative.

Selena:
This is a “puh!” [Ryan snickers] It’s more… Yeah!

Ryan:
That “puh-hone.” [Both snicker]

Selena:
Pause your phone! Leave your phone behind. Have grandparents on the emergency contact list or have someone close. [Inhales] Just keep your phone’s off! No screen time during dates.

Ryan:
Mm!

Selena:
I feel like that’s a good thing. Also, play! Play a board game. Play a card game.

Ryan:
Mm!

Selena:
Plan on laughing with each other through all of that. I think laughter’s been such a big thing with us, and honestly, playing games has brought out a lot of laughter. [Inhales]

Ryan:
Mm-hm! Yeah! [Inhales quickly]

Selena:
In my heart, anyways. [Laughs]

Ryan:
Yeah! I’m not a big fan of games except for when we’re playing it, because I feel like they’re more fun when we are engaged.

Selena:
You like to play the games that I don’t like to play. [Ryan snickers] And I like to play games you don’t like to play.

Ryan:
[Laughing] Okay! ‘Cause you are—

Selena:
I’m so good at cards! [Laughs]

Ryan:
So good! [Selena laughs louder] I haven’t won a game of War in our entire marriage. [Selena cackles] Spoons?

Selena:
[Inaudible] [Laughs]

Ryan:
Forget about it! Speed?! [Chuckling] Forget about it!

Selena:
[Giggling] You never won Speed.

Ryan:
Oh, that’s [Ryan chuckles] so irritating! That’s why you like it! [Selena giggles] ‘Cause I just get flustered—

Selena:
No! [Laughing]

Ryan:
And you laugh at me! [Selena laughs harder]

Selena:
[Both inhale] ‘Cause you’re good at all the things, all the time!

Ryan:
So, play! I think the point there is do something that’s not in the normal rhythm of things.

Selena:
Right.

Ryan:
It’s really easy just to sit down and zone out in front of the TV. However, I will say The Office has been a huge… bonding…

Selena:
A huge part of our marriage, for the last 15 years! [Laughs]

Ryan:
And it still is, and it will always be!

Selena:
[Laughing] It always will be!

Ryan:
Because we laugh!

Selena:
Yes.

Ryan:
Right? And it’s become a medium that kind of greases the skids, so to speak.

Selena:
Yep.

Ryan:
And gets us connecting.

Selena:
It also breaks the ice.

Ryan:
And laughing. Yes!

Selena:
‘Cause sometimes we’ll be fighting, and somebody will say something, and we’ll just start laughing. [Inhales] I think the last one would be to just pray together! Take some time at least somewhere.

Ryan:
Mm!

Selena:
And I mean usually it’s around a meal for us, when we’re together having a meal on a date. [Inhales] “Thank you God for this time together. Thank you for my spouse! May it just be honoring and glorifying to You. Thank you for your grace in our relationship.”

Ryan:
Mm-hm!

Selena:
Take time to pray! Take time to pray.

Ryan:
Yeah! That’s good. [Inhales] So, the whole point is just to connect on deeper levels more often, and I think prioritizing is the first step. Just a re-cap real fast here. Prioritize both your energy, your time, all three!

Selena:
And your finances.

Ryan:
Your energy, time and your finances. Have fun! Put your phones away. That would have been a good one. Put your phone away.

Selena:
Ah!

Ryan:
That was a good P.

Selena:
Pause your phone. [Sniggers]

Ryan:
And then pray together and play together.

Selena:
Yep!

Ryan:
And do things that take you out of your normal rhythms—

Selena:
Yeah!

Ryan:
So you can connect more deeply.

Selena:
Absolutely!

Ryan:
So, there you have it! There’s some ideas [Both giggle] to keep to have a better date life in your marriage! We hope this was helpful! If you have any questions, go to fiercemarriage.com/podcast. You can leave a question there, or you can use this phone number: 971-333-1120! Alright, guys! ‘Til next time.

Selena:
Stay fierce!

Podcast ends.

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