Accountability, Challenges, For Men, Sex & Intimacy

6 Reasons Men Should Watch Where They Look

Men like to look at pretty ladies. Groundbreaking discovery, I know…

For a Christian guy – i.e., a man who follows Christ wholeheartedly and seeks to live with integrity as a result – this desire presents problems. When a pretty lady passes us on the sidewalk, something inside drives us to look – once, twice, even thrice, or more.

This looking “twice, thrice, or more” is cause for concern. It seems harmless (you’re not touching or having an affair, right?), but what’s at the heart of it? Before you label me prudish or legalistic, read on.

My SoCal Culture Shock

We live in sunny Southern California where covering up is culturally optional. If there’s one place in the country where people are more “appearance aware”, it’s Southern California. Though we live in SoCal, Selena and I are’t from here. We’re from Washington (the Seattle side) where it rains most of the time. Washingtonians are responsible for trends like flannel shirts and sandals worn with wool socks. People wear much more when it’s raining and 42 degrees outside.

As a husband, I give my heart to God and have eyes only for my wife.When we moved south I was shocked by the amount of skin you see on a day-to-day basis. The other day we took a trip to the beach and I’m pretty positive one girl wasn’t wearing anything below the waste…at least it looked that way? I can’t know for sure but the fact that I’m even asking the question illustrates the point: people wear less and I’m still not used to it.

Overwhelmed by our new home’s culture, I felt my integrity being gradually deteriorated by looking. Why was I looking? What’s the point? What’s going on in my heart and mind? How does it affect my wife?

Here’s the typical “look” progression: 1) Notice. 2) Look again. 3) LOOOOK again…

For me, and I assume for other men, this type of looking is rooted something gross: sin. Call it lust, pride, ungratefulness, or otherwise – when you look and re-look at the body of an unknown woman for your own pleasure, it’s selfish, it’s sin, and it’s gross. If you disagree, imagine a man you respect staring down a woman’s body as she walks by him on the street. Do you feel a twinge of lost respect for him?

Given this conviction, I decided to make a personal change (by the grace of God). I realized I can’t change an entire culture’s behavior, I can only change my own. Bear in mind, if you’re a guy, this can apply to you no matter where you live…

Watching Where You Look

I can only control myself. It’s unproductive to say “those girls shouldn’t wear that!” or “they’re causing me to stumble!”. Men who say that are uniquely annoying and immature.

I don’t know these women, nor do I know their history, morals, life situation, or any other context for why they’re at that place at that time wearing whatever they’re wearing. They’re strangers to me. I can’t change them, and blaming them gets me nowhere.

Men, we must watch where we look. Where we look and keep looking, says a great deal about our view of women and personal integrity. Where you look affects your mind, and what affects your mind inevitably affects your heart. You may think it’s technically harmless to “look, don’t touch”, but is it? Consider this:

Proverbs 4:23-25
Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.
Put away from you crooked speech,
and put devious talk far from you.
Let your eyes look directly forward,
and your gaze be straight before you.

While the author of the above passage is speaking metaphorically (he’s not telling you to literally always look forward), in this case it has literal application. I call it “bouncing” your eyes.

Bounce Your Eyes

Men who love their wives greatly are the greatest of men.The concept is simple: anytime you see something that makes you want to re-look or stare (begin the lust reaction), just bounce your eyes away. Look away, flip the page, close your browser window, throw your laptop against the brick wall, or do whatever you have to do – just control your eyes.

Make a concerted effort to control what you’re looking at and why, then contextualize your behavior by including your wife in your thoughts.

Start by thinking about your wife and how much you love her. I like to imagine Selena watching me from across the street – would she be proud of me if she were watching? If I can answer “yes” then I know I’m headed in the right direction.

Bottom line: gawking and/or re-looking is not harmless. It’s never been alright to gawk, and it never builds up – it tears down. It tears you down, it tears your wife down, and it is the start of objectifying women.

6 Reasons to Watch Where You Look

If you’re still not sold on the concept, or if you think I’m just being hyper-sensitive, consider these reasons why you should watch where you look:

1) Honor God

Are you lusting by looking? I can’t say definitively: that’s a heart issue between you and God. I can say that the eyes are a gateway to lust of all forms, so protecting them avidly will help you steer clear of any possibility of lust. Also, it’s not just about you. That woman is a daughter of God.

I have a daughter, and as I pray for her future husband my greatest prayer is that whoever this boy is, he loves God more than her, and he loves my daughter with genuine purity. I can’t imagine God wants anything different for His daughters.

2) Honor your wife

I can’t imagine a wife feeling honored or edified as their husband stares at another woman. By contrast, if you keep your long looks and re-looks limited to your wife; she’ll likely feel loved! (Still, husbands, don’t be creepy about it… act to edify your wife.)

3) Protect your heart

If you’re looking lustfully, your heart is in immense danger. Protect where you look — protect your heart — protect your life.

4) Model integrity, intrinsic value of women for your kids

As stated in #2  above, I have a daughter. I would feel incredibly ashamed if she saw me looking and re-looking at a woman’s body. What am I teaching her if I do that? If she flaunts her body she’ll get attention? I’d rather she didn’t learn that.

If you have a son, he’ll mimic your behaviors toward women; and if you do what every other guy does by staring at pretty girls unashamedly, he’ll naturally follow.

5) Honor women

Women are intrinsically valuable. Unfiltered looking places asymmetrical value on their outward appearance and does little to edify their mind, personality, intelligence, and soul. Purposefully not staring at their bodies, on the other hand, may have the opposite effect (i.e. it will edify them through and through).

Aside from that, they know when you’re looking, and most of them despise it. I often go on walks with our daughter strapped to my chest in this baby-chest-pack-thing. People stare, and I’m not sure why – I look awesome and Dela looks awesome… maybe they think she’s cute, yeah… probably that.

Watching someone walk with a cute baby is wholesome and I still don’t like it… I find myself taking different, less populated, walking routes. I can’t imagine how women feel when countless men look at them wherever they go (yes, ladies, you can help this somewhat by thinking through your outfit… I’ll leave the particulars to you). 

6) No one likes a creeper

Ever seen a guy stare a girl down as she walks passed him, only to turn and stare at her again as she walks away? Ever seen a guy in a public setting unabashedly looking at every woman’s “assets” as she goes about her day?

You’ve probably seen a guy like that, or even caught yourself doing that…

Don’t be that guy.

Be THIS guy

Let’s be men that are so infatuated with our wives that every other woman can’t compare. Let’s be men who give our undivided attention, heart, and purity of eyes to our wives because they’re the ultimate standard of beauty for us.

Let’s be men who look at who God is and desire to honor Him with every action and glance. Most of all, let’s be men who love and see others the way God loves and sees them.

Question:
Men, how have you learned to guard your eyes?
Wives, any tips for husbands?


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  • Ashley Moreno

    I don’t believe it’s that difficult to “control” yourselves… you’ve trained your brain to react and you now have to untrain your brain. Noticing attractive people is “normal”. The rest, you’ve trained yourself to do.

    • Ashley, yes and no. The first step is to understand that it’s destructive behavior, the next step is to work toward being better by God’s grace. Yes, it is a matter of training yourself (“Bouncing” is just a training mechanism), but until a man realizes the deeper reason they need to fight the habit, they’ll fall short. Thanks for commenting!

      • Yes, absolutely. Just as how none of us can be saved without first realizing and acknowledging our utter depravity and need for a savoir.

        It’s even worse for those like me whose fathers and grandfathers are unsaved, unrepentant, unashamed womanizers.

        • Arian Sim

          Yes, but think of the legacy you will leave your children (assuming you have or will have children) by not perpetuating the actions of your forefathers! It’s good to know that you don’t have to continue down a path that your fathers chose.

        • VickiLynn

          If your father and grandfather–even your great-grandfather and beyond–were drunken sots, their addictions would not have to be yours. You would have to guard yourself more carefully, perhaps, to avoid taking the same path, but it would be your choice.

          God bless you for choosing a new path!

        • Alex Mosher

          Salvation comes from believing upon Christ. That’s all. The bible doesn’t teach “utter depravity”. That sounds like something from the false teachings of Calvinism. One doesn’t have to stop sinning to become born again. If they could, we wouldn’t need the cross.

          • You’re right that we don’t have to stop sinning to become born again. What I was trying to say is that we must individually recognize that we are a sinner and in need of salvation to become born again.

      • Grandpapa Tyler RJ Lorge I

        YE ARE DEAD WRONG RYAN AN ALMIGHTY “GOD” HIMSELF STATED YE SHALL NOT TEMPT ANYONE INTO SIN ! SO STOP FRILLING JUST AT MEN AS JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF TOLD WOMEN TO BE MODEST AS TO NOT TEMPT MEN ! BY YE SAYING THAT THE MAN WILL NOT BE TEMPTED BY THE UGLY SINFIL NAKED WAY MANY WOMEN DRESS WONT DAMAGE MEN AN THEMSELF YE ARE IN LALA LAND! READ YE BIBLE MORE! EVE WAS TEMPTED BY EVIL SATAN !!! WHY BLAME ADAM ? ONLY BLAME ADAM FOR FALLING FOR HER LIE!!! WOMEN SHOULD BE TAUGHT NOT TO TEMPT MEN AS NO WAY WILL IT EVER BE THAT MEN WONT LOOK EVEN BY THE WAY WOMEN TEASE AN SHOW ALL THERE SKIN ! WORH RYAN ON THE WOMEN LIKE GOOD PEOPLE DID IN THE PAST AN YOULL SEE MORE GENTLEMEN ! AMEN AN AMEN ! ++++++ <3 ++++++ PUT SOME CLOTHES ON GIRL , AN BE A "LADY" AN MEN WILL COME TO RESPECT YE AS ONE !!! :) +++

        • StandardCleo

          “Put some clothes on girl, an be a “lady” an men will come to respect ye as one”.

          This is true. It just is. Many women know what they are doing, and they get real satisfaction from enticing a man – single or married. This is a heart issue with women.

          • Traveller

            Actually, Grandpapa Tyler is false in his comment. He is even false in the part you agree with. While women are responsible for being a stumbling block to men, the action lies with the man. Temptation doesn’t make us do anything. We choose to sin. Many ladies put on clothes, and men still see sex in them, in fact it’s a sexual fetish for many men. They see that woman as a challenge, or nut they want to crack(sounds bad but this is the mentality of a lot of guys).

            While respecting ones self can challenge people to respect you, the flesh has its own will. I know a number of men who go after well dressed women, but only want sex. They don’t have respect for them. Dressing properly is just a stepping stone, respecting oneself goes beyond that, it takes more than dressing like a lady. Men will see you as a lady but many will still disrespect you. How you carry yourself and live is a major key in challenging men to respect you. People place too much emphasis on the outward appearance, but the actions aren’t right. Putting on clothes will only work some what to an extent. Her actions have to be right to truly earn a man’s respect. Not purely the clothes she puts on.

            Women respecting ourselves is not purely about getting respect since that’s not guamreteed. It’s a way to protect oneself. We are not to allow men to objectify us physically. But the action and logic of a man is his own heart issue. Grandpapa Tyler are just excusing the actions of men as if men aren’t responsible for their own behaviour. Hence grandpapa Tyler’s statement that there is no way you can stop a man from looking, so teach females not to tease. He’s excusing men in their actions and blaming it on women. You are argeeing with him. The problem with this logic is that, just as we can’t stop a man from looking, we can’t stop a woman from wearing a thong in public. So men need to learn how to conduct themselves vise versa.

            The point of this article is not that we can stop it but accountability. Of course men will look, but it’s about governing that action. So this article is about men taking responsibility for how they conduct themselves. Men can blame the woman for being half naked, but his actions, he is accountable for. It’s not saying women don’t have any responsibility, it’s saying that female behaviour is not an excuse for male behaviour. Regardless of whether someone respects themselves or not, as Christians we are to respect each other anyway. God’s command expectation. Therefore grandpapa Tyler is wrong there, men need to be taught how to conduct themselves.

            As I have already mentioned. Many men still struggle with being disrespectful toward women even when they fully clothed.

            Let’s also keep in mind men do have control over where thay look and still disrespect women knowing it’s wrong. So it’s actually false, a girl putting her clothes will only get SOME men to treat her like a lady, many men don’t care whether she looks like a lady or not, they just want sex. Men are visual, and their sexual appetite is affected by what they see.

            This shows that the problem women have is the same problem men have. Humans let our flesh and worldly influence tell us how to be. Why do those women entice men? Because the world tells us our worth and happiness comes from sexual gratification from the opposite sex. The more heads you turn the sexier you are. Men are guilty of it too. The world tells men to measure their masculinity by the number of women they attract and bed. It’s human issue, Ryan is addressing the male side and he clearly said in the comments that a female is going to address woman side.

            It appears Grandpapa Tyler didn’t take to kindly to men being held accountable for their actions. But it doesn’t matter what we like, we are all accountable for ourselves.

          • Gpa

            We have to remember we can only change ourselves and not others. True change lonely comes from help of our Lord and Savior!!! We can not blame the way women dress because we live in a fallen society. We can only look to our heart and ask Christ for change of our worldly view!!! HE>I
            The EYE affects the HEART!!!! What does scripture stay the EYE Gpapa????
            From Gpa

        • Nick Short

          You also have to remember, though, that not everyone is a Christian. Because of this, other women will not “be modest as to not tempt men.” They will, and they get a real kick out of it. I know I’m 2 years late to be responding to this, but I think you have to take a few things into consideration: people aren’t perfect, even Christians, and that’s why this book exists in the first place. “Women should be taught not to tempt men?” So they should be responsible for a God-given mechanism in men that attracts us to women? Why not teach men to not be tempted? I guarantee you that even if women covered their whole bodies, men would still have lust in their hearts. Think before you blame women for all of your problems. And you don’t necessarily need to read the Bible more, just listen to it. Try to understand God’s tone and his message without bias or human thoughts. Let God tell you what He’s saying instead of creating your own interpretations.

    • bccream

      Ashley what food do you love, if I put it in front of you when you starve would you be able to walk away ? You would ask me what does food have to do with sex, well you would only understand it if you had that strong urge and a desire for something. I know women who can eat 4 brownies in one sitting (they have very high metabolism) while I can barely have a piece and I am done but when it comes to sex they are exactly the opposite, I can have it 4 times a day and then can barely have it once and done. Let’s try to respect each other’s need than name calling “difficult to control”, I can prove you and many women are so bad at controlling your urges, one fine example is talk would you just please control your mouth the next time, no it really hurts my head when you say 20 sentences in 10 seconds, I have told you so many times but you fail to control your urges. Just because you think sex is like dirty as if using the bathroom does not make everyone think the same, get the point yet ?

      • Traveller

        Bccream I don’t think Ashely’s statement was attacking anyone. Yet it appears you took it personal. What she is saying actually applies to what you used as an example. Even women could use what she said. She is simply saying that desires are normal, however she doesn’t believe they are difficult to control as we make them seem. If we retrain our brains then these things won’t seem so hard. But because we have certain habits, we feel it’s harder than it is. She is partially right there. Woman don’t have to eat that many brownies, but it’s habit, not simply desire.

        You seem to have interpreted her statement as an attack at men as if women don’t do it. You have to remember that the article is about MEN, and the author did ask women, specifically wives, for any advice for husbands. I don’t know if she is a wife, but I’m sure her opinion as woman is allowed here too. Jus to would think some unmarried men could comment. So it appears she was just being consistent with the subject of the subject matter.

        • bccream

          @Traveller “I don’t believe it’s that difficult to “control” yourselves… you’ve trained your brain to react and you now have to untrain your brain.” Her understanding seems is that men trained their brains to look at women just as a pass time activity and their is no hormonal urge behind to act upon it (that is to look). You can only relate how difficult it is if you are a man. But I would also agree that staring or making someone uncomfortable is not appropriate and that is 100% controllable. All I am trying to say look we are hardwired different and it is difficult to understand or be in the opposite gender’s shoe we dont feel the same but what we can do is help each other out to have life that does divide men and women because of their differences. In other words understand respect find resolution and not blame.

  • van

    If i was.unmarried an..so.was.this.guy i.would.marry.him… i cant agree more how.many husbands long stares at other women hurt. Not only that but i dont dress provocatively and frankly never see my husband look at me the way he looks at those girls dressed showing much sin.. and its hard to.not want to stoop to.his level and dress in a way that geta men attention just so to get even. But i dont want to displease God or.cause.another man to.stumble so.I dont.. but continue to fight the urge to.fight back. Please pray for.us thanks

    • VickiLynn

      I understand. My first husband was a “looker”–at just about any woman. He told me he started at the ankles and kept going up, as long as it was interesting. “It.” And the better he liked what he saw, the smaller I shrank inside myself. Like your husband, my first never looked at me in the same way, which said more to me about my body than anything he ever said when he wanted to make me feel “okay.” I didn’t change the way I dress, but I did something else I regret: I began to aid and abet. If I saw a woman I thought would interest him, I would draw his attention to her. My second husband has never been a “looker,” and he still makes me feel drop-dead beautiful, inside and out.

  • Levi Phillips

    Great post Ryan!

    I remember reading ‘Every Young Man’s Battle’ as a teen and feeling challenged to a higher standard; it takes a good couple of weeks before you don’t think twice about ‘hot zones’, but life is so much easier. Less guilt, less internal awkwardness, easier conversations, better friendships. It’s worth the fight.

    If we’re not careful though, our standards can quickly dissolve and we lose control again. As soon as we become passive about where we look, we’re in danger. It’s a constant struggle; as men we need to step up to the plate and master our minds, guarding our hearts with an active daily decision not to be drawn in by a world that stirs discontent.

    • Great thoughts Levi. Yes, we do tend to slip back into old/lazy habits if we’re not careful. Thank God for the Holy Spirit (and grace) to guide and convict us when we don’t even realize we’re slipping.

      Thanks for commenting!

      • Levi Phillips

        Wow, just scanning down these comments and came across mine from 3 years ago whilst re-reading this post without realising…amazing how your own words can call out the better man within you and bring conviction.

        It’s a constant battle for the mind – this article is timeless in its relevance.

  • João Armando Coelho

    There is a very good post about this in “The Generous Husband” blog. I don’t really want another woman but my wife. The fact that others call my attention us a nuisance. Bouncing your eyes realky works to the point of becoming automatic. I learned it reading “Every man’s battle” and passed it on to my teanage boy and even taught it in my Sunday School class.

    • Thanks for sharing João! I’ve heard incredible things about “Every Man’s Battle”.

  • Otis

    Great article and thanks for sharing.

  • munckin

    amazing read!! As a women I dislike being starred down by Men. I have always felt degraded and dirty. As a wife it makes me feel the same way when in the past I have caught my husband liking and taking triple takes..he’s working on that..
    I can’t comprehend why men/women MUST stare. Thanks for putting this into words:)

  • Erin

    This is a great read!! My husband and I have had many conversations about this very subject, mostly with other male friends and their wives. I am very blessed with a husband that after 4 years of marriage still very much only has eyes for me, but we are both very aware of the struggle most men face. One piece of advice we have given out is to pray for the female you catch yourself “looking” at. And not just a “Lord, please let her see what she is doing when she dresses like that prayer” but a “Lord, bless her today, Let her see your love.” kind of prayer. This concept goes along with any sinful thought towards someone really. I used to struggle with road rage and I started praying for the other drivers that would do something to cause me to get fired up. I don’t get as angry behind the wheel any longer (totally a God thing!!) but there are still some days that I am praying for every other driver on the road it seems. Haha.

  • Marie

    Mathew 5:28 but I say unto you, that whosoever looks unto a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart …

    Great article!

  • Adam

    Loved this read. Just learned about Fierce Marriage and am really enjoying the posts. I completely believe that many of us start off as you said trying to fool ourselves into thinking that it’s the cultures fault or the fault of the way women dress that cause us to lust. God certainly hard wired us to see beauty but he also designed us to be able to control our eyes. The fact if the matter is that the culture is not in all likely hood going to change back to 1950 and all women will never be concerned with trying to dress modestly. So what’s the solution? Retraining ourselelves to keep our eyes and hearts focused on God and our wives.

  • ramsey

    in a somewhat ambitious fashion, I fought lust fiercely during lent during my soph year of college and while extremely difficult it was incredibly rewarding. All the points you touched on were crucial and the brain indeed can be retrained :) God Bless :)

    ps. EYMB was/is a great resource!

  • Duncan and Jilly

    My husband and I read this together and agree wholeheartedly. We have been married 24 years…wharvareyour thoughts and ideas about those you regularly have to interact with at church/ work and therefore ‘bouncing’ is not practical as you have to look at them when you speak with them?

  • Dan

    Ryan,
    I really enjoyed your article. I really believe that this is an issue that isn’t discussed enough or made challenging for men. This is something that I practice in my marriage. These principals I learned in Every Mans Battle.

    Think of how this impacts our wives, I know this is something that my wife really struggles with and worries about when we are not together.

    Thanks for the blog and all the marriage encouragement you provide.

  • Jerry Dugan

    I love the reference to Every Man’s Battle. You touch on honoring women in Reason 5. Even those who don’t yet believe in Christ can at least agree that objectification of women doesn’t come from what women wear but how we see women. Seeing them as mere sex objects to be gawked at puts us in the wrong mindset to respect women especially our wives.

  • Sarah Levy

    As I read your article it brought back some chilling memories for me. My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years; and about 7 years ago he preached to the congregation about men and their staring habits, he also mentioned using the bouncing technique. When I began to read this article it was like I was hearing his very sermon all over again. I remember speaking to him shortly after he gave his sermon about looking upon another women and he kept saying that wasn’t a struggle for him he just wanted to help out the other men in the congregation. Long story short a few months after he gave his sermon…he fell and ended up in an affair with my spiritual leader (despite the fact that he repented and I forgave him and my friend/spiritual leader at the time) the pain from that affair and the betrayal I felt from my so- called “friend” still lives with me today. Unfortunately the sense of “security” I had at one point is completely gone when I think of my husband and his loyalty. I feel like my marriage can dissolve at any time if it were up to him. That hope and faith I had in men….That “not all men cheat” dream…is just that, some distant dream of the past. Some may ask… Why am I still with my husband if this is how I feel? Well my answer to that is simply this…The enemy will try to attack my marriage in any way he can and my job as a faithful servant of Christ is to keep my vow to the Lord and stay with my husband til death do us part. Besides the enemy will not have the victory in destroying my marriage. Even if i have to live with that pain of what happened in the past for the rest of my life; I know that with God all things are possible! If he decides to take this pain from me then Glory to God; if not then STILL I give God the glory because despite what I’ve gone through my family and my marriage is still intact. Not to mention that i am more than a conqueror and I am VICTORIOUS through CHRIST JESUS!!

    Thank you for sharing it was a great article.

    • My wife & I went through something very similar when I strayed. I cannot speak for your husband, but as for myself I can say that my sin eats at me and I feel truly awful for allowing my flesh succumb to Satan’s temptation. I am also disheartened and disappointed that I failed to secure the sanctity of our marriage. I am, however, eternally grateful for my wife reflecting God’s grace to me even though I’m not worthy of it

    • christine

      wow, you really moved me. i hope i can grow to be as strong and spiritual as you. thank you for putting such correct thinking towards God in a way that makes sense and is understandable from a different point of view. (i dont think i would have looked at it that way).

    • jamal burley

      Your testimony is absolutely amazing and so uplifting.

    • Corrie Hugo

      It of course is brave and noble of you to stay in your marriage, and keep your vow in the midst of pain. You can be pain free though, and as hard as it might be for you to hear this: It is up to you, not God or your husband. The pain that stays with us, is not what has been done to us (that would make us a victim, given over to other peoples choices, or God’s wimfull intervention), but rather what we believe about ourselves, life, and where / who God is for us. If you are willing to, have a look at this book: Healing Lifes’ Hurts by Ed Smith (The 1st 3 chapters are availabe free of charge following this link: http://theophostic.com/page13051343.aspx)

      Towards your full recovery.

      • Vicki Wimbush Collins

        Bravo! Spoken like someone who’s never been raped or had a husband sucked in for years on end by internet porn. So very easy for you to pass out that theophostic malarkey. Yeah, let’s just let the offenders off the hook and put all the guilt on the offended for not “believing” this, that, and the other thing you read in a book. Not to mention that theophostic teachings are considered heretical by much of the church. Blah. blah. blah…..

    • Unknown

      Hey, just wanted to share that if your spouse commits adultery than you are no longer bound to that relationship. That is the ONE AND ONLY case were God states it is acceptable to leave your spouse. Shelah.

    • Mara

      May God be with you. You are a strong woman. You are still in this mariage because you took a vow before God and because you choose to love your husband. I feel your pain….

    • Gurinder

      It’s so great to read about your faith in God and Jesus Christ. Thanks for sharing that.

  • David Lindsay

    Praise God, I’m about to be married and this article gives great advice for how to control the flesh. Knowing not only how it will influence our relationship for the future but the ramifications it can have on my soon to be bride. God Bless

    • So glad to hear it David! Thanks for sharing. And congrats on your upcoming marriage… Keep God first no matter what, everything else will fall into place!

  • Anna

    This is absolutely the best take on the whole “judging women for what they wear” vs “staring at women who aren’t your wife” thing! Regardless of how you think women should dress, men should be held responsible for their own behavior, regardless of what women are wearing/presenting themselves. Deflecting the blame for that sin does nothing, two wrongs don’t make a right, etc.
    I so wish my husband had read things like this earlier on in our marriage. It might have saved a lot of heartbreak.

    • bccream

      There is something called a reflex action, men are hard wired to be attracted to women’s body, as much as hard this fact is to digest, if we were not, I bet we would have had 0.001% of the population and still burning the wood for cooking food. This is to say nature has created men with the strong sexual desire for a reason, I am sure you have your strong urges that you cannot control, do not claim you are susceptible to any urges, just sex does not top on that list does not mean you are great god woman.

    • StandardCleo

      I’ve known women that dress in such ways as to entice men. They get a real kick out of doing it. Many women know what they are doing. It’s a heart issue.

  • Anjali N Younes

    Good article. I believe it applies to men and women. Some women have too much time on their hands while their spouse is working. Basically we all make little choices each day to do the right thing. Shouldn’t all fall on one spouse. The responsibility is on both male and female.

  • Debra Manesse

    Thank you, much needed wise advice in our culture. Just want to say, I’m a woman & when I look through magazines or store ads & come upon a picture of a man scantily dressed I intentionally, before the Lord (because ultimately it’s between Him & I) choose not to look, nor even glance at the photograph. I instead focus my eyes on other things in the page or simply turn the page.I’ve ‘practiced’ this for years & I feel it’s pleasing & the pure thing to do before the Lord, and helps me & my mind to stay pure as well.

  • Kim

    Loved this line in reference to your daughter; “If she flaunts her body she’ll get attention? I’d rather she didn’t learn that.” Society teaches us as women the complete opposite and makes it trying to stand as a moral and conservative women hoping to attract the attention of the right kind of men, commit to not making men lust after you or to protect yourself from the eyes of men that are not your husband.

  • Jamie C

    I believe wives should honor their husbands in the same way. Too many women I know do the same thing and to me it’s very disrespectful. I don’t want to be hurt in that way, so I should treat my husband the same, only have eyes for him

  • Jessica Drnek

    As a woman that is married, this blog has helped me, its not just men that have this problem but woman do as well. A glance back is harmful and it can get worse when the other person keeps glancing back at you. One thing can lead to the next and the next and so forth. So guard your eyes and heart, cause when you think its nothing but a glance you are wrong. Stop it before it becomes more than a look.

    • bccream

      Totally agreed, I have noticed (from the corner of my eyes), women starting at me until I completely disappear. If I do the same I will be quickly labeled as a pervert. The fact is it is completely natural to look at something we find pleasant, why feel uncomfortable when someone is trying to appreciate your beauty ? Now if someone try to touches you that is another story which I will never condone but looking or even staring at something that you find attractive is natural and should not be looked at as objectification.

  • Katie

    My husband and I have been married for 3 years and dating for 7. I havent caught him staring at a women once. But that of course has to do with him being uninterested in other women. He’s wired differently I guess. I even asked him outright once if he really doesn’t look or if he’s good at hiding it.(We’re very honest and open with each other. He’s not the type to lie to spare my feelings). He replied “there’s no point in looking. I got what I want and I have no right to look at them even if I wanted to.”
    Unfortunately, I’ve seen the type of guy who likes to stare as well. My father stares and makes “jokes” about their clothes being an abomination etc. I’ve seen how it hurts my mom and I think myself to be very blessed to have a husband who has eyes only for me.
    I pray you all can overcome this obstacle that seems to be getting harder to avoid with the internet etc.

    • bccream

      High changes, you are one lucky woman your husband is emotionally and physically satisfied, however if he never looks at other women then either he is gay or he is totally slick at it.

  • I fought this battle with the eyes for 35 years until I finally confessed to my wife. It was the worst day of her life, the worst day of my life, but also the first day that I broke free from impure thoughts and actions. I tell my own story in My Father’s Stash. Available at http://www.menlivingup.org

  • jamie gigliotti

    It does seem natural to admire the amazin
    g beauty God created. But with that statement we see God. He created. He deserves the admiration! Women could arguably be God’s most beautiful creation… but what do we want to worship? The created or the Creator? If I see a beautiful women I make every effort to see God and worship him and look away… giving my all to honor God and my Beautiful Wife who I adore… I dont want to do anything that would make her feel anything less than the cherished woman that she is to me! Jamie Gigliotti

    • bccream

      Does she feel the same way ?

  • Jeff

    Ryan, thank you so much for writing this article! This topic needs to be discussed over and over again. My wife and I have had multiple discussions on this: Guys like to look, women like to be looked at. God wired us this way, but this interaction is sacred between husband and wife (i.e. my “look” belongs to my wife only!) Giving this “look” to another women breaks my marriage vow to her “to love her and honor her all the days of my life.” I was taught growing up that “it doesn’t hurt to look,” and that was horrible advice. IT DOES HURT TO LOOK! The tear filled eyes of my wife can vouch for that.

    We also need to watch where our feet take us. For the guys in our house, restaurants like Hooters, Twin Peaks, etc are off limits no matter how good their wings are! When you go to a sporting event and the cheerleaders take the floor, turn around and look back at the crowd. See if there is any other guy beside you not looking. Be a man, be a leader, be a witness!

    • bccream

      So how much of a struggle is it for you to not look at other women ? If the answer is it’s a great deal then either something is wrong with you or it is completely natural.

    • Kim

      Jeff, (I realize this is a couple years old but I just read this post) great comments and its great to see a man that understands the concept so well in such a sexually driven society. Its also disappointing to see other, I’m assuming Christian, men telling you that you natural instinct to sin makes it ok. Continue to be a leader~!

    • Lis

      I get avoiding Hooters or Twin Peaks. But, suggesting it would be all but impossible for godly men to casually watch beautiful girls cheering at a public sporting event (even the Dallas Cowboys squad) without having UNCONTROLLABLE, rampant, impure thoughts is ludicrous! Bounce the eyes if you have to and I’ll even give points to the guys with insecure wives, who go to the bathroom or get a drink during halftime, but to literally TURN your backs on anyone at a sporting event? Really? I am one of “those” women, considered to be highly attractive. I find it woefully disrespectful when a man refuses to look me in the eye when speaking, especially at church. I dress modestly, usually even ask my husband if I’m “all good” before we leave home and still there will be men who look over my shoulder, bounce their eyes left and right, glue their eyes to the floor. They do anything possible not to look at me and it would be labeled rude under any other guise. Please remember, I am a daughter of GOD, like the next lady, who isn’t as outwardly attractive, so you give her full eye contact, a handshake or “brotherly” hug. Does it surprise you to learn that when you avoid looking at me, I’m left with the impression you don’t like me, or you have judged me unfairly, or gasp! I may believe you actually do have a lust problem.You probably don’t, so I’ll continue to put up with it the same way I do the gawking and ogling but, guess what? Your attitude is just as frustrating for me, maybe even more because we’re supposed to be family. Jezebel and Delilah were not the only beautiful women the bible. Esther, Ruth, Sarah, Abigail and Rachel, were also beautiful and they were used to do great things! My husband (a pastor) recognized early in our marriage how a lot of church guys tend to treat me as an unwanted virus, so he puts for a concerted effort to address beautiful ladies the same way he does anyone else. I can’t count how many of them have told me how much they appreciate how my man speaks to them directly. He isn’t afraid to shake their hands or share a laugh with them. Godly women find it refreshing when godly men to interact with us in a godly way; it validates how confident that man is in his own marital relationship. I would be embarrassed and appalled if my husband deliberately turned his back or eyes on anyone. Men should be ever on alert and guard their hearts and eyes, I agree. But, there’s no need to shun or ignore attractive women ( outright or discreetly)! We aren’t contagious and to do so in public isn’t Christlike. Pretty people have feelings, too and when snubbed because of how we look, it hurts. If you can’t control your thoughts when in the company of an attractive woman, decently dressed and in a public setting, you need help. If your wife is insanely jealous of random women who are in no way trying to entice you, then again you need help. If CHRiST following couples keep their hearts rooted in HIS word and principles, a secure wife won’t be intimidated by another woman’s beauty and a faithful husband will not be tempted by it. When we are together and I see a gorgeous woman, I’m well aware that my husband has seen her, too. The same applies when wives see handsome men. If we are out alone, I don’t expect my husband to go temporarily blind, I simply want him to be a man of honor, to GOD, to me and to the women who may attract his eyes momentarily. A LOOK-even a comment of admiration-does not lead to LUST- unless you allow your extended thoughts to travel there. From a woman’t perspective perhaps but nonetheless, truth.

  • Mary

    So you say that women are not to blame for men staring and looking at them inappropriately, but you then state “yes, ladies, you can help this somewhat by thinking through your outfit… I’ll leave the particulars to you.” ….. That doesn’t sound like you’re not blaming women for your impure glances and grossly long staring. What a joke.

    • M

      While women aren’t to blame for men looking, we still have a responsibility to our brothers in Christ to avoid causing them temptation. Dressing modestly shows respect for ourselves and for them. It’s similar to if someone were on a diet: a family member bringing cake into the house can’t be blamed for the dieter eating it; however, by not bringing cake into the house, the family member is showing respect for the dieter and helping to avoid causing them to be tempted.

  • Mike

    How am I supposed to find a spouse in the first place if I don’t look at women?

    • Terri

      This article doesn’t say not to look at women. Read it carefully.

    • Me

      It’s about not looking and lusting after you have found one. :)

    • Alex Mosher

      The true hypocrisy of the church’s guidelines for marriage and fidelity. I love how these articles talk about not looking at women lustfully, yet I’d say 90% of the married men on here were first attracted to their wives because of their looks. So, basically, marriages were founded on lustful attractions. But once you marry, you’re supposed to not be attracted to women anymore. This is why I don’t look to Christians or the church for answers to issues in my life. I go straight to God for that. The church sickens me with its twisting of the truth and established moral guidelines. I know from my own experience when I was married, I was unfulfilled and hated being married to a woman. When we divorced, and I had a relationship with a man, I was the happiest I had ever been. And I know that when I was with this one man, I didn’t desire anyone else. Only him. That tells me that that relationship was right because it was true love. Christians who oppose homosexuality and gay marriage are wrong. Some of us are born gay, and God accepts this. I believe that once you find someone that you are attracted to and love very much, you won’t have to worry about being tempted by others.

    • Missy Meier

      Mike this applies to people with spouses

  • Reuben Esau

    As a man who has had issues in porn and sex out of marriage this whole thing brought a tears to my eyes. I am saved again and I have a beautiful wife that gave me 2 gorgeous children, a girl and a boy couldn’t be happier, right? But as this guy says I myself still struggle with the “looking” and to be honest most of the time I don’t notice. …but she does and it hurts her. I really respect the men who don’t even look. I look up to them and pray that God will help me change my heart to be whole with him and have eyes for my wife only . It has been a wild and awesome walk with Christ so far and I know he has more work and more plans for me yet. My prayers go out to those who struggle with this and I ask for prayers myself.. When you feel week look to Christ cause he will be your strength, stay strong men of integrity!

  • Anthony

    This article came at a surprising time in my life. I was engaged to a beautiful girl up until a few days ago. I had lost sight of what was important to me and what I should’ve been doing for us. I was looking in places I shouldn’t have been and now I am Brideless. Keep your eyes where they should be. What your eyes see affects your mind, and your mind will affect your heart. I am THAT guy and I’m so ashamed of it. This is the first I’ve talked about it. Please keep me in your prayers. Pray that I would find peace and strength and that God would reveal my path to me. Thank you, God bless.

  • TMabry

    Love, Love, LOVE this article! Boom! Spot on! About 5 years ago God (over time) finally got through to me how important ‘Guarding the Gateway to my Soul’ really IS. It’s THAT important! I began what I personally called ‘Averting my eyes’ and what the author calls ‘Bouncing your eyes’ when I passed a women on the street, sitting in a restaurant, or conversing with ladies at work. I have to say it was really really hard *not* to look. But over time as I began practicing this, inserting my wife’s image in my thoughts, dreaming of her, allowing myself to long for her, something changed inside of me. I saw my wife as a woman of intrinsic value and other women in that same light. Even as I did not look at their body for personal gratification, I looked at my wife and fell in love with her all over again. It is an amazing journey to see just how ‘right’ God’s word is and when we do it, the results are positively astounding. Thank you for writing and posting a most timely, accurate and brilliant article on this subject. Men really need to let this soak in and practice it daily.

  • A wise woman teaching us women who were married to men in ministry taught us this important tip she learned from her husband. He said as he traveled that he was always having to turn his head away saying “no” to his eyes. When he came home he greatly appreciated it when she looked “good” & he could say “YES!” to his eyes. Never give up the “hot” little things you wore when you were first married. It’s OK to look sexy for your husband. My own hubby always told me I could spend whatever I wanted on those fancy little nothings. Give your man something to want to come home too, something to remember while he is away & can look forward to.

    During a particularly difficult time for my hubby, we even did a photo shoot of me all fixed up. He carried those wallet sized photos with him for a while (of course in a place where others could not find them). When he found he was having trouble he could pull one out & remember what he already had.

    Also as you get older, don’t allow yourself to gain those continually accruing pounds or to get careless in your dress or maintaining your looks. This is not to impress the world, but your husband. Especially after menopause when the age is showing.

    Remember to not to be lax in the physical relationship as much as possible. Yes, it does get more difficult with age, but give all you can.
    Also watch how you greet or speak to him. Be kind in your words even when your are tired or ailing. Who wants to come home to an old grouch.
    To reiterate, Always give your man something to want to come home too, something to remember while he is away & can look forward to when he gets home. (married 35 years)

  • Hurt wife

    What really hurts is when you find he’s been having an internet (email) relationship with someone he met more than 5 years ago. She being the same only female in training he attended that he had referred to as “no one for you to worry about” and then find out emails to/from “no one” have been in one of his many email folders hidden away and kept with some porn. Now as we try to get through this difficult time of three years now since I found his emails, every time I see him staring at another woman, usually one that has similar looks to the one he was emailing, it continually rakes my heart and hurt open again. I feel like he’s looking for her in these other women. He says he loves me and has made tremendous attempts to restore this marriage but it seems like he reverts back to someone I really didn’t know.

    • Me

      I’m going through similar issues. Just wanted to let you know, you are not alone.

  • Todd

    Thanks Ryan for sharing this. At the age of 12(like other boys), I was exposed to pornography from a neighbor friend (his dad’s stash of porn). From the age of 12 to 28 I was in bondage to pornography and other sexual sin. When I was 28, my wife discovered my secret double life I was living. I was caught, she was devastated and I just about ruined my marriage. By the grace of God she forgave me and God forgave me of my sin. I found hope and encouragement through an accountability ministry called, “Every Mans battle for Purity” (EMBFP) through the National Coalition for Purity. (www.puritycoalition.org). What I have learned since the age of 28 to now(age of 39), is that the only way to remain pure in my life is having true accountability through scripture memorization, men holding me accountable, and practicing the same techniques you mentioned. In terms of bouncing your eyes we can learn from Job when he said, “I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at another woman” Job 31:1. The enemy loves men who lust after other women because he knows when that happens, a mans focus is away from The Lord and sexual sin will “take you to places you never thought you would ever go.” Now I have freedom in Christ and He keeps me pure through his grace and mercy. This does require ongoing action though, which requires a commitment to God, my wife, my daughter(s), and my son who is 11. If anyone is interested in learning how to become pure and stay pure, please respond and I can help. The good news is, it can be done and IS possible through our Lord and Savior and with help of the ministry I mentioned!

  • great article

  • Me

    I agree with this article. My spouse gawks and looks and I frankly want to divorce him because of it. Looking isn’t harmless. If it is, why do so many fathers get ticked off when a man gawks at their daughter? Why do most women feel less than loved and beautiful to their husbands when it happens to them. It honestly makes my marriage feel like it’ s not between me and him but between me, him, and any woman he wants. My love lessens, my heart is broken, and I find myself falling into temptation to find another man to replace my husband as I don’t feel love for him as I use to. I’m not saying what I do is OK, just saying the devastating consequences are there for both parties when a man gawks. Btw, I’m not saying I will give into temptation or condoning getting even.

  • Alex Mosher

    It sounds like most of you are just oversexed. I have never looked at women lustfully. It’s just not in my desires. I don’t understand why any guy would think like that. There are so many more important things and more beautiful things to look at than to ogle half-naked people. I guess God made me different. But I’ve always had a healthy respect for treating women as equal to men. Maybe that’s the difference.

  • Karl

    I love the idea of setting one’s wife as the ultimate standard of beauty. Definitely putting that into practice. Thanks for the encouragement. My wife and I are less than five months into marriage, and we want to make it an awesome one, and we know that happens now with intentionality at the foundation.

    • Congrats on your new marriage Karl! I’m proud of you for intentionally building a strong foundation. Keep up the good work!

  • Charles Simmons

    My Pastor Encouraged us to look three times at a woman other than your wife. 1st look ask Do I know her, second look ask Does she need help or assistance? The last look is to look away.

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  • scorned

    I understand that praying for my spouse and forgiving him for the multiple one night stands a few years ago, for giving me a STD because of his unfaithfulness, for the multiple dating websites I found him on recently, and the constant battle with porn every week should be looked past because I made a commitment as his wife…but what am I to do, if he makes no attempt to change, or if he does..it’s so brief that he doesn’t allow the lord to take control? I pray for him, pray for our marriage and cry when I know that I need to stay in this mess because I committed too…

    • No one should be expected to stay in a relationship under your circumstances. (You have biblical grounds for divorce.) With that said, you are still there, so you are demonstrating that you do love your husband. You should set some boundaries, including requiring him to go to a sex addiction counselor. He should see someone who specializes in this area. Sometimes that is a Christian counselor, sometimes it is not. You should seek out a counselor as well to deal with your hurt and pain. Whether or not he will seek treatment, you should go to create a path to healing for yourself.

      • scorned

        Thank you for the reply and yes I totally agree, we both are in need of some counseling. I have begged him to seek help…it just doesnt go anywhere even tho he shows small signs of wanting it (which must be why I stay)…then back to the rotten behavior. I know that I am not perfect and dont want to burn the house I built, but I now watch every move he makes under a microscope, I literally try preventing him from doing bad…blocking the TV programs that would be inappropriate, computer etc. it only pushes him more towards it. He promised to be an open book but then refuses to share passwords, he hides his phone like its a precious diamond..Literally takes it into the shower with him so I cant grab it and look in it…etc. I am just not sure what I am to do. I left a great career to be a mom and raise our 2 little ones and it was the best gift I was given..but now, leaving him would seems so out of the question…I have no job, no insurance without him, no financial support etc. I need to put my children first…they are witnessng my emotional mess more than I need them too..I would be sooo sad to let my marriage dissolve but part of me thinks I am not caring for myself…God made me too…and I feel so close to him in these times of need..I pray he is by my side and will guide me…I just cant tell which direction he is telling me to go…BTW its been a few years of this heartache…advice?

        • There is nothing that “YOU” can do to fix your husband. If you choose to stay that is your choice. Addicts will only change when they see that they can no longer live in their addiction. Again, you should seek a counselor for yourself to get an independent assessment. People in the middle of addiction are not thinking clearly. A good counselor will let you make your decisions on your own, with a clearer mind. Praying that God reveals the direction He wants you to go.

    • Missy Meier

      Separation if he refuses to stop and go from there.

  • Great views Ryan, I am guilty of them but I promise to do my best and make a change to that. I just noted it isn’t fair to my wife. Just the way I wouldn’t feel loved if she kept staring on other men, then the same treatment would be felt by her if I kept staring at other ladies. It stops today, it stops now. Thanks again for wiping the lenses of my view with your sound advice and making me see some hard-to-swallow truth.

  • Frederick Walker

    I was blessed to be under a pastor who taught something similiar. He taught us the three “L”‘s. Look, linger, lust.

  • Ernest Wamboye

    Learned so much! Thank you!

  • Wendy

    My husband is one of those men. Regardless of the tears and trying to explain how his Internet (porn, FB, youTube) and physical looking (@ the gym or anywhere we go) tears me down and affects my trust, he tells me every single time every guy does it, it’s normal and it’s my problem not his to deal with. My own fault if I feel bad about it & he is quite in fact sick of hearing me about it.
    If I thought this article would be read by him or taken to heart I would show him. I continue to pray, only he and God can change this not me. Some days more than others, it however is very difficult. Especially with such blatant disregard. Fool or faithful–hard to say.

    • Corrie Hugo

      You are responsible for how many disrespectfull interactions with people (including your husband) you allow. Danny Silks book: Keep your love on might give you practical advise for a healthy relationship: http://www.lovingonpurpose.com/keep-your-love-on/

    • Sue T

      Wow, this is my husband too. Been married 24 years and I found out he was watching porn (ALOT!) and wondering why our intimacy was non existent…..bam! I never would have believed my husband would be into that, giving up our relationship to have one alone with his phone, tablet and computer. I was devastated to say the least and tried to get him to stop. I got monitoring software, which only made him angry, then he deleted it and I tried to talk to him about it, how bad it makes me feel, how it kills intimacy in marraige, and all that did was push him away. I finally gave it up to God (or I keep trying to anyway) and things have gotten better. I know I can’t change him, only God can do that. He still watches it and self pleasures but not as often as before. He tries to cover up his tracks by deleting his history but I can check the cookie storage and see that he still does it. Every time I look it makes me sick to my stomach and I don’t know what to do about it. I dream of having a husband that cherishes, honors and respects me. I would feel like the luckiest woman in the world if I had a husband that bounced his eyes……I really can’t believe there are men that actually do that. I never noticed before but my husband always looks, discreetly but looks, way too long. Every time I know he watches porn it kills me a little bit inside…..I think about leaving but this is the only thing about him that I really have a hard time living with. So I keep praying and staying and waiting for God to make him the husband he should be.

      • Sue T

        The devil has finally found the ultimate way into every man’s heart with internet porn, and society accepts this as normal and if you don’t agree then you must be sick! It’s crazy……God help us all!

  • Marilyn Terrana

    This article brought to light how I lost complete respect for my now ex-husband. His inability to not gawk was very destructive to our marriage. Not only could he not refocus his eyes but he could not redirect his hands. It was a 21 year marriage with 20 years of it making excuses for him and hiding what my heart knew he was doing. I went through eating disorders and shame that I didn’t measure up. I found myself back in church a little over a year ago and God opened my eyes. Everything happened so quickly. I am now in my own home and divorced. I no longer feel inadequate. Every day I thank God for the love he has given me.

  • Jen

    This is a great article, I pray my husband will read it and the Holy Spirit ministers through it to him and it does something once and for all. My tears just came tumbling down while reading the article, I live this pain every time we go anywhere along with the torture in my mind when he is out there on his own. I understand salvation is individual, but this kills me. He doesn’t think its wrong or see it as sin or cheating or that he is lusting because he’s not touching, many years ago while I was pregnant and had a breast tumor removed while pregnant he began and emotional affair oh because he denies that he an affair with a co-worker because according to him they never had sex, but he would lay hands on her body parts and kissed her and started to have feelings for her, oh but they both got written up for contact or breaking policy of dating among coworkers and inappropriate behavior. who knows what they were caught doing at work, but he said and believes that he didn’t cheat or do anything to Us or me. I let him know it hurts and even when I see him doing it I will let him know or ask him to stop and he denies he does it or is looking even when their driving, walking or whatever, I understand he is a man and many men a visual, but it is not ok when he double or triple takes and or stares or makes sure he goes down the store isles and gets another look, he even does it while watching t.v, you know there’s a lot of stuff on t.v that are not God pleasing, like these burger commercials, etc. We fight about it honestly, and he says I’m crazy and that its just t.v., I don’t understand he says he’s a man of God and goes to church and mens bible study and he’s heard it not only from me his wife but knows it from the word & from sermons and our Pastors. It makes me feel awful, insecure, not pretty, not loved, worthless, no good self esteem and I don’t even feel like I should even try to look nice anymore, although when I do I do it to pick my pieces up from the dirt and try to feel a little better and don’t get me wrong I also hope I get a nice comment or just one of those double take looks, his attention, and when I don’t it does make me think like whats the use, feeling like I’m invisible, he doesn’t say nice comments or anything to me, I have to hint it. Not to long ago we were separated not by mutual choice anyway but during this time he had made facebook page and he would be commenting and messaging other how beautiful they were with or without makeup or that they looked beautiful with no matter what they wore, posting scriptures and telling them he didn’t know why but that he felt that God had put them in his heart for a reason and that he was praying and would post a little prayer for them women, he would post questions to them if they could talk, and he would even make comments of how much he wanted them, he was also talking to his ex and building her up with his words and of how sexy and beautiful she looked. He even made comments to one of his girl cousins, gross. He did come back asking to forgive him and he did delete his facebook account, but did not want to change his phone number which he did share publicly on his facebook. I am scared and I don’t know what to do, but I belive all things are possible with God and I continue to pray and hold on because obviously i love him and we have a son. I struggle everyday, I’ve been depressed for a long time and everytime I catch his eyes wondering it takes me to a dark place and plays all over those womens photos and comments from his facebook and hurts, angers and tears me down. I don’t know how to deal with it and when I try to talk to him about he get angry, I just says it’s nagging and complaining about him and that no matter what he’s going to say or do is not good enough, and that he doesn’t do nothing to me that I need to get over myself and take it up with God. I am glad I came upon this, its a great article.

    • Jade

      The things you mentioned are cheating even if they didn’t have intercourse. The problem here is that that he doesn’t see anything wrong with it and isn’t willing to change. My heart breaks for you. Have you tried marriage counseling? It seems like your husband is on the verge of actually physically cheating if he hasn’t. Sorry to sound so blunt. What I found with men is they do not like a taste of their own medicine. My husband treated me so bad I just stopped caring and started talking to other men, not to cheat but it was an emotional/verbal abuse relationship. He started throwing things at me and hitting me with objects. I separated and was on the verge of divorce. I think when I told him about the men I was talking to (not sexual or anything) that’s when he decided to wake up. He has changed and so have I. I think he’s changing for the better but me, so much damage and hurt and mistrust that I honestly don’t know how I can ever be myself again.

  • Denise Husted

    Perhaps I’m a fool, but my husband and I enjoy pretty ladies together. He was raised to respect women immensely and he does. He has a safe place to be honest with me without fearing that I will be hurt or made insecure by them – so he is honest. I suppose a very strict Christian would say that we “play with the fire of lust” but I’m not so sure. He’s a man, and I love that about him. That means that the female form ignites his primal senses, and that turns me on. He doesn’t disrespect the women we look at by thinking of them inappropriately, but to look at a beautiful woman and appreciate her as such isn’t lust FOR HIM and FOR US. I think the majority of people couldn’t or wouldn’t have this same perspective, and for good reason. But for us, I trust him 100% – in his mind and body – to only lust after me. He’s a rare bird though – the only man who could ever convince me that marriage was worth anything.

    Just thought I’d share a different perspective.

  • Marie

    A battle I will never win. He doesn’t feel it’s wrong and isn’t going to live by “someone else’s guidelines. ” Six years of begging to stop has gotten me nowhere and don’t know how much longer I can deal.

  • Ash

    While I definitely agree that the second or third look is where the danger starts, I would say (as other posters have said) that merely noticing someone or something is normal. Don’t blame guys or gals, for that matter, for the first look. It’s not a big deal to see someone and say to yourself “wow, she’s beautiful” or “holy crap, he’s shirtless, and hot!”… It’s what happens after that. That first look is just part of life. If you go beyond that to a second look or another thought, indulge in that secondary process at all, that’s what makes it into a problem.

  • Jade

    My husband says he doesn’t look but there were so many times I’ve caught him. He also looked at pornography but claims he never lusted. We have so many trust issues since he lied to me about pretty much everything and to this day I ask him if he looks at women with any sexual intention and he says no, I asked him if he has ever lusted after another woman and he says no. He said I can ask him anything and he would tell me the truth. Frankly, I still have a hard time believing him although he has been more honest than the last couple of years. Is it possible he’s telling the truth? Why else would I catch him looking at other women or he would look at pornography. The only thing I want is the truth from my husband and it seems I won’t get that.

  • aly

    I have dealt with both sides of this, my father who struggled with a porn addiction, very often looooooked at women as you put it, once,twice three times and I saw how he looked for their approval,a smile back or just a glance. I saw how much it hurt my mom emotionally, put her down, disrespected her and took away self confidence. But even further when he did it infront of me as his daughter, I lost respect for him many times, and was often hurt he would do this to my mom or in front of his daughters. When I got married I struggled with the same lack of confidence, wondering if my husband would look more than once and found myself always checking to see if that was the case with him. I have been so fortunate and blessed that my husband bounces his eyes bettter than any man I have ever met and I praise God for that. I shared this article with both my dad and husband, because whether they struggle with this or not, its all about whats in the heart, whether they want to honor God and their wives and even more their daughters. THANK YOU for this. GOD BLESS YOU :-)

  • JeWayne

    I must admit I have a whole new perspective after reading this. I will do my best to follow these rules and apply them to the fullest. Thanks for this post.

  • Love my man

    wife tip: we share a facebook account. If I see anything immodest, I hide it for my husband, so he never has to even bounce his eyes from that one.

  • Jack

    In one of Craig Groeschel’s books, I read something that REALLY helps me. When you see an attractive women and are tempted to look again, repeat these words OUT LOUD to yourself, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife.”

  • Rebecca

    I’ve been remarried for two years now. I noticed my husband staring at other women early on in the marriage and was not happy. I began to suspect that he may have viewed porn with his ex, as many people do these days, and I was right. He was not a Christian at the time, and now doesn’t want porn in his life. However, this habit he has of looking at other women is extremely distressing to me, and makes me feel horrible. I loved this article as the man took responsibility for being the spiritual leader in the relationship which makes it much easier for the wife to respect her husband. My husband denies looking whenever I point it out, and refuses to read the book “Every Man’s Battle” loaned to him by some friends of ours. He becomes defensive and angry if I point out to him I saw him looking at someone. This just makes me feel even worse. He spends all of his time with me, gives me a lot of attention, and we have a great relationship at home. But that part in the article about noticing, then looking again, and then LOOKING again struck a chord with me. This is what I want to stop. We should never idolize our husbands, but at this point I’m not just seeing him as a man with faults, but I’m having a difficult time feeling that we are one. I feel very insecure and like I can’t trust him.

  • Diane

    Much respect to you. wish my husband will do the same..

  • MsGoldieLocks

    My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years. I’ve noticed he does this ALOT. he also views porn videos on his iphone every single day! I’ve told him many times it hurts me and he doesn’t stop or even try to stop. Our sexual relationship has always been very passionate. And now more and more I really just don’t want sex from him bc he looks at all these other women everyday. He says it’s natural he’s just looking he would never cheat. He has also taken photos and videos of these nasty ungodly women in the street with their see through clothing and thongs underskirts. I have found all the videos of him literally walking very close behind these girls and recording their lady bits that are overly exposed.
    IAm a young beautiful woman I get lots of attention from pigs in public but I ignore it. I’ve even had weirdos stalk and follow me and even take photos of me. I feel completely violated every time it happens. And I try soooo hard to explain this to him and he just doesn’t care. I had his baby recent and try hard to eat real food and stay active for myself. I lost all the pregnancy weight and more. And I ALWAYS DO EVRRYTHING he wants and am always available for him. And I dress modestly and can NEVEr Bring myself to dressing way too sexy in public I don’t feel comfortable. I dress in loose clothing and still men stop stare and talk to me. I really don’t know what to do anymore. Oh and he hasn’t deleted any photos or videos he took of these half naked women in the street. But he says he’s sorry and will try to stop and hasn’t yet. I have never felt self consious till he started this. And it makes me feel VERY LOW AND UNWANTED AND UNLOVED. And he would never read this post or te book. And I know this can be stopped bc I used to stare at men when I was single and then once I met him I stopped bc everytime I look the man thinks I’m interested and walks over to start a convo. So therefore I don’t look to avoid the next step.

  • Sad

    Sadly for me the sin issue is greater on my part as a wife. When he looks at other women my gut reaction is to close my heart to him and I am very vulnerable then to other men. In my bitterness I’ve even thought of having a brief affair to restore my sense of attractiveness. I never have done it but the temptation from a heart scorned is strong. I know it would be easy to love freely if this wasn’t rubbed in my face. It is the biggest act of sacrificial love to be kind in the face of this and that is a real test.

    • Jay

      I am glad you posted this. My wife has said she feels vulnerable but she’s also the type who won’t be honest what it means from there. I had an idea of what it meant, but she always utterly refuses the idea that she is thinking about other man. But again, denial is a big part of her personality (even in normal and humorous conversations). I think your post is my looking glass into what I suspected goes on in her heart.

  • Jon Abercrombie

    “Call it lust, pride, ungratefulness, or otherwise – when you look and re-look at the body of an unknown woman for your own pleasure, it’s selfish, it’s sin, and it’s gross.” That is very true. I love this post! It is spot on with how I have been feeling about the same subject for a long time! I too have a daughter and like you said, it has opened my eyes even more to the problem men in general have with lustfully looking at women. I definitely want to up the prayers for my daughters future husband. Again, this post was awesome!

  • Sharon

    Unfortunately women have long been treated as property and objects. I am very sensitive to how women are treated.You asked for tips from wives.
    Honestly every time you can not keep your eyes to yourself, you have just crushed your wife’s spirit. In my mind, you just killed all the intimacy you have with your wife and all her trust.Honestly you would do better off staying single. God told me one time , a man and a woman are regenerated by the same Holy Spirit. Gender does not play role in acceptable looking.
    I recently read a SECULAR ARTICLE on the death of Femininity. So sad Christians can not accept and own truth about real life. Why is it that the world often is willing to look at real truth?

  • Stephanie

    Great article and advice! Thank you, for sharing your wisdom…

  • Jayne Wheeler

    I am getting married next week to a man I really do love. When I met him 10 years ago he had many destructive behaviours from his past which damaged both him and me. After support from me he moved on from them apart from gawking at women. This did untold damage to my self esteem and confidence and I suffered from depression and anxiety. After two years medication I was convinced I was better but in reality I was far from it. My way of coping was to stop going out to public places with my partner which inevitably drove a wedge between us. He was convinced that I was still unwell which I bebuked vehemently. Long story short, we split for a year. I missed him but not the stress of being out with him. It sounds so sad! After him pestering me to give it another go, and me being mentally my strongest in a long time, decided to try again. This was three years ago. During that time we have bought a house together and gotten engaged. I have noticed the past few months that the gawking has reappeared. My daughter was in hospital for five months last year which proved a massively stressful time and I went to see a counsellor for help with my mood. I came away feeling much more positive yet this destuctive behaviour from my partner is starting to damage my self-esteem again. I have tried so long to avoid certain situations (like going to gigs – lots of women in skimpy clothes) but this time I realise that it’s not MY life I should change. I told him how I was not going to put up with it all over again, and fair play to him, he has started seeing a counsellor. Sadly, in the past week alone he has gawked three times when we’ve been out. Believe me, I don’t watch him – I tend to notice the pretty ladies first and try to busy myself away from him (effectively to allow him to gawk without me seeing it) but that is equally soul destroying. The times I have seen him this week we have been sat next to each other and he feigns a “blocked ear” so gives it a deliberate rub while gawking at the said woman on the table next to us! I have often blamed myself or even thought I was being picky, until the other day my 18 year old picked up on his peculiar mannerisms! Fortunately she doesn’t know why he gurns and rubbernecks. We are due to be married a week today and instead of it being the happiest day of my life, it feels, at the moment, a sham. I just hope and pray in his speech he does not say “I only have eyes for my bride” for who knows how I will react!

  • I loved your article and completely agree, finally a Christian man who doesn’t make excuses for sinful behavior and teaches men how to truly love their wives because women don’t want a man gawking at every piece of chest or buttocks he sees. Thank you for writing this and I know many Christian women would love to find a man who practices this of eye bouncing but few do. They usually call you insecure if you say that gawking is wrong. Thanks and praise God for you and your ministry

  • jessnross

    I can not begin to say how incredibly profound it is to hear a man speak in this way. I do believe God intended for all men to be honorable and carry this type of conviction. Although society will give every excuse that it is okay for men and married men alike to be visual creatures God specifically gives scripture that contradicts the worlds views.. Why would marriage even be valued as sacred when your husband or wife would be able to say it is okay to look outside and let lust and other sins to consume your mind. We should have only eyes for the one we vowed to love. How can we say we love our spouse honorably and honor God’s gift of marriage.. If we could spend more time nurturing, loving, building up our spouse I believe we would in return see that person has the potential to be everything tangible we desperatly crave and need. Men I believe would be greatly surprised that if you honored your wife by keeping her at the center and not letting other things take up what should belong to her… She would give you the world… I deeply respect the words and the heart of this man.. May God help all women and men to have a heart with such profound wisdom in this area..

  • Tracey

    my husband and i ‘ve been married3 years this December and l recognized his lust problem shortly after we married l haven’t always responded to it in a mature way yet l responded out of emotional hurt pain and disappointment it caused me which l had to ask for God’s forgiveness as well as forgive myself so that l could be restored to clear thinking so that I could receive Gods Grace how to respond to this in a more positive godly way which led me into deeper prayer although God doesn’t support the sin nature issues that we fail to confess He will use the pain as a part of His transforming. PURPOSE to bring a perfect ending nevertheles UNCONFESSION AND UNREPENTANCE IS A VERY DANGEROUS PLACE TO BE BECAUSE IT BRINGS DEATH!

  • Mrie

    I’m fully aware that nobody’s perfect and we have all sinned and fallen Short of the Glory of God, however I truly believe this article has added to my faith and has answered
    many unanswered questions l held in my heart for a long time caused by the pain and consequences of a Christian husband’s lust for other women
    especially with my marriage still being fairly new and my first one, after being single for 13 years, l had even actually started to think believe and acceptlthe fact that maybe this was somehow a part of how God created men and that Christian wives would have to learn to accept, adapt, and live with, until death do them part, and although I’ve read scriptures about lmaking a covenant with your eyes and so on, I was still just so confused about many things Yes I know it sounds lcomplicated but l have to be honest about it land true to myself in CONFESSING these lthings so that God can continue the healing and sanctification process in my life which comes from being open and honest, it was after I read this article which I truly believe that God used as a part of His process, purpose, and plan and as confirmation to the readers AND DOERS!!!! OF ITS INTENT who are seeking Gods guidance on how to respond in love in spite of the pain, This article has added a blessing to my life spiritual discerment and growth, which in essence makes it a lot easier fon me to endure my marriage vows and covenant and the way I’m now able to view and understand the power of Gods transforming Power, love, and Gracel from the old sin nature which we inherited from our forefathers that we were born with to the New Regenerated  Man that from which we inherited and received from our Heavenly Father that ll makes us desire what Our Heavenly Father God desires that brings conviction to our hearts, leading us to confess and repent of our sins and DIE DAILY to the (selfishness) of the l old sin nature which NO LONGER HAS POWER AND DOMINION OVER US! NOW WE MAY FREELY COME TO THE THRONE OF GOD AND RECIEVE GRACE TO LIVE A HOLY LIFE, CASTING DOWN EVERY EVIL DESIRE, THOUGHT AND IMAGINATION LTHAT TRIES TO EXALT ITSELF AGAINST ThE WORD OF GOD PLEASE
    CONTINUE ALLOWING GOD TO USE YOU TO EXPOSE DARKNESS BRINGING THE LIGHT OF TRUTH AND CONVICTION TO THE HEARTS OF HURTING WIVES, AND TGEIR HUSBANDS WHO CHOOSE TO READ THIS AND WRITER MAY GOD BLESS, AND KEEP YOU…TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

  • Having doubts in Washington

    I am glad I found these stories and post as I am challenged right now in a relationship where my fiance not only stares at women but also takes pictures of other women in bathing suits and such and likes his picture taken with cheerleaders in sexy outfits. He also likes to have calendars of sexy women. I’m having a difficult time with this. He is aware of this but thinks I have an insecurity problem.. i am a confident woman in most areas of my life.. I feel this very disrespectfull toward me as his partner.
    I am trying to be patient but having second thoughts about this relationship.
    Sincerely,
    Having doubts in Washington State

    • Vee Oby

      wow, I can relate so much. I’m not happy right now cause I had an argument with my partner last night regarding how he spoke lustfully about a female celebrity and when I reacted the way I did, he said I’m insecure. That’s the crazy and hurtful excuse that some men use. I’m having second thoughts but I’ll put in prayers and you too.

    • StandardCleo

      You are correct to have second thoughts. His behavior will not change once married, but it will hurt you even more.

  • Heather_7

    Thank you for this. I have had countless guys behave this way toward me (not every guy, but lots of guys), and yes, most are married, and it really does creep me out. Even had two ministers do it. Yes, I just said that. I seriously dislike creepers/creepy guys. As a woman I WANT to see a man completely in love with his wife because that makes me joyful that there are men who are committed to their spouses–not the other way around. And also, as women we are terrified that when you look at us like that you might actually be a serial killer contemplating how you are going to fit all our “parts” into the trunk of your car once you hack us up…that’s how “objectifying” the “stare” actually is to us as humans with minds, hearts, souls etc… Thank you so much for hitting on all these topics in this article.

  • SandyG

    I just came across your website today, and I want to say thank you for giving me peace and to make me realise that there are still good men out there. Just last week I finally plucked up the courage to speak up about my partners wandering eyes. He immediately attacked me verbally and said that God gave him eyes to look at other woman and that I am the one that is wrong.

    • StandardCleo

      Your partner or your spouse? If you’re not married to him, you don’t want to be.
      RUN!

  • Roy

    A few years ago I realised I looked a lot at women, but always felt wrong so I thought what can I do to prevent my thought from straying. I started by praying for everyone I passed or passed me and said ‘Lord you died for these people , may they find you as their Saviour and Lord and make me a witness’. I now find that I do that all the time now and what a difference it has made to me. I feel much closer to God, and satan has no say in my life and thoughts. I see all people,not just ladies,but men ,children. Keeping my mind on Jesus when I am out walking or on a train or travelling anywhere keeps me close to Him .

  • christina hernandez

    I am Ankrom. I am 5.9″ tall with a brown eyes,i do not smoke and i don’t drink Alcohol,i work in army (captain) for a living and I’m planning to own my own business very soon after serving in the army.i am currently deployed to an African country for peace keeping mission.Am a very good looking gentle man of 45 years.I was once married but lost her many years ago when we want to give birth to our 3rd child.I have been single for two years by choice,..I would be willing to get married to wonderful woman whether she has kids or not or not willing to have more kids am still ok just wanna be happy together with the special woman for the rest of our life together.My religion is Christian.I am easy going,adventurous,romantic,ambitious and have a very good sense of humor.My hobbies are too many but to mention a few sports,watching movies,going for walks,listening to music (almost all types of music),love on the beach,dancing in the dark etc.

  • Thank you for this! it was a blessing ^^

  • Julia Baak

    For me already knowing that a man is struggling with not looking at other woman shows that I’m not beautiful enough to him. I really hope God sends me a godly man who will never struggle with this. Do these type of men actually exist?

  • Nini Palleti

    I have been reading this article once everyday for the past few days. I someday wish to find a man Who believes every bit of this article and it brings me hope that maybe somewhere there is someone like that. Sometimes I feel like I have been born into the wrong generation because todays culture does not define me what so ever. I’m so fed up of looking at boobs on tv all day and I mean even a burger commercial had to be sexual! It really upsets me when women are ok with there men watching all this stuff because I never would. And yes in a way It is still visual infidelity. Some people call it insecurity but I call it having a pure relationship because this can slowly Deterioate a relationship where eventually men watch women and women watch other men but yet they are together. What is the point of being together? I think it’s in the nature of a women to feel some type of way knowing her husband is starting at other women but most women just settle and accept it. It doesn’t take a lot to not watch certain movies or look away at the beach.

  • Hurtandbaffled

    Really struggling in my relationship as my boyfriend is by all means, a very Godly man…just amazing. However one thing that I can’t shake is his looking and commenting on other women’s photos once in a while or just commenting on a woman’s looks infront of me. I know he’s not internalizing and lusting…but he says “men are visual and built this way and there’s nothing wrong with appreciating an attractive woman. Our minds will always have moments of desire and that’s how it is, you have to get used to it. How hot she is reminds me of you and that’s what I love, is that I get excited over you from that, and if your feelings are hurt from this, you’re choosing to feel hurt. It’s your insecurity, don’t put it on me.”…makes no sense. I feel like a crazy person in my relationship when it comes to this. I’m sure this is not acceptable thinking or behaviour from a man I’m supposed to spend my life with. He’s also a leader in our Christian community so I’m even more baffled.

    • StandardCleo

      Ummm… he’s manipulative! No, his behavior is NOT acceptable behavior.
      Do yourself a favor and dump him. You deserve better.

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  • Lori

    If men want to be respected by their wives guarding their eyes, looking away from other women is very important. Men will lose respect and trust when men look at other women, regardless of its in person, on TV, or Face Book..,,
    Think about how God used Job as an example of a Godly or righteous man, Job made a covenant with his eyes not to look at women. And then Jesus said if you look with lust, ( and men you keep looking instead of turning away, it is LUST) Jesus said you have committed adultery in your heart, and then Jesus goes on to warn about hell. So if you think about it that way, it’s just not worth it.
    If a man wants honor and respect then he should sow honor and respect. If a man has issues that he can not overcome then repent to God, with true heart felt sorrow, ( not wordly sorrow because you got caught, and then you keep doing it) but true repentance is to turn and go the other way, a mind change that will bring freedom. God says you can do ALL things through Him!

  • David Sarandi

    The truth will set you free.
    For those who interested please visit: http://www.mychainsaregone.org, it’s best what you can find on freedom from lust and pornography, this “looking away” reinforces the actual problem. The bible says not not to look but not to look lustfully. This web site will answer lot of questions if you are “ripe” for the truth.

    God bless you.

  • Chloe Whitmore

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    Thanks Chloe

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    apologize for what happened six years ago. All thanks to Dr Ravidatt for
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  • Deisy Mendoza

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  • Hopeless

    I guess I don’t like how 90% of the pics have beautiful women in their wedding dresses. Like all these little quotes are for newlyweds. I may have been ok looking on my wedding day, but I’ve never been and never will be as pretty as any of these girls.. ever. 10 years later… at least I can inspire my husband with these words along with these pictures of other beautiful women. God wired men this way, and that’s just the way it is – new creation or not – so I just need to step up and compete with the world in order to protect my marriage. I can’t win that competition. And even of I could, he’s still gonna look… that’s just the way God made y’all. Losing the battle..

  • harold

    MY WIFE LOVE IS SO GOOD GO ON 29 YEAR NOW AND LOVE ALL

  • Terry Martin

    I was that woman who dressed so men could look and bite the back of their hand when I walked pass or grabbed their wives for security. And I absolutely am disgusted at that part of my past. If I could reverse it I would. We as women have to help the men. Of course the looking and keep on looking speaks of an inward struggle but so does the attention getting attire that a women wear. I love the Lord with all my heart and as HE reveals I don’t conceal. I agree with HIM and change my thoughts on things that HE is not pleased with. This is and will be constant and on going. We as believers are taking off a worldly mindset and putting on a KINGDOM mindset. If our Heavenly Holy Righteous Father does not want us looking on other idols and gods, what make us think it is alright to offend our spouses in that manner? If we are for God and HIS standards let’s stay on the Potter’s wheel to be processed. Lukewarm is not who God is looking for and neither is a God – fearing spouse.

  • Champak

    Great Article Mista :)
    Really enjoyed reading it.

    I got something on my mind having read the article… I remember the first time I watched Taj Mahal and I found it soooooo difficult to take my eyes away off the view. I remember having to tear my eyes away as I had to leave the Taj at the end of the day…. Similarly, when my daughter was born, I could not believe how beautiful she was. I genuinely thought she must be God given how impossibly beautiful she was (please ignore what may appear little/close minded views on God)
    In a similar way I find some deep black skin colours absolutely beautiful and radiant…

    You can see where I’m going with this :)

    Similarly I find some women very beautiful and (try to) indulge in appreciating the beauty (and its got nothing to do with definitely the ‘assets’)

    Bouncing the eyes is probably the first self restraint that comes to the hapless rescue and there is shame somewhere there when you know you are having to restrain yourself. I also appreciate this indulgence is fertile ground for lust to corrupt the heart but sometimes it is just about appreciating the beauty. Those are the moments that I really treasure when I know in my heart that there isn’t a impure thought therr and I am just in awe of the beauty created by God…. Obviously other people around you or the beauty in question won’t know what’s in your heart while you are trying your best, and most likely failing, not to come across like a creep

    But most of the time you know it when you have the urge to look again or you do do look again, you know it’s not right and lust is taking hold.

    I do pray for the pure beauty experiences more, unfortunately they are much too few and far between the other impure ones…

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  • Sillygirl

    Just an FYI for most men that gawk to remember….I was the one whom was gawked at when I was younger and it is true, girls( ladies) do not like it especially when their wife/girlfriend is with them. I just remember feeling such pity for her. Also, that pretty girl is looking that dolled up usually for a piticular fella in her heart not the awkward gawker.

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  • AB

    This is great but it is too bad that no one i have found yet has anything for young boys. It starts early and there is no one speaking to them. just a though

  • David Nolan

    David
    Dear Ryan,
    In our school (in Ireland) we urge boys to develop their character. Oxford Dictionary defines this as: ‘moral strength’. Thus, we encourage them to set for themselves ideals and goals such as integrity, truthfulness, temperance, hard work, etc. And purity!
    Your article is great on this and I concur with everything you say, especially the place of God’s grace in it. But, can I add something from a Catholic perspective? In Catholicism we have a great help for staying in the grace of God: it is Confession. In it, we confess to Christ through his priest – who acts in His name – to having done X, Y and Z: without softening it, or calling it by another name (which would be a lie).
    It gives us a great uplift because we go there with the firm purpose of sinning no more. And the very fact that we have to SAY IT to another person responds to the psychological need one has to tell ‘everything I have done’, (as the woman at Jacob’s Well said about what Jesus told her).
    It’s similar to when we offend somebody gravely: we have to face them and apologize for it. We can’t skirt around it or pretend it never happened.
    I notice that many of your commentators mention the need to confess, and I’m delighted about that. I am simultaneously aggrieved by the number of them who have to put up with those unfaithful looks of their spouses. They should urge them TO GO TO CONFESSION, with a firm purpose of sinning no more – and to go back to confession as often as necessary. This tendency, which as you say ‘is something inside us which drives us to look’ is not something that is going to go away. But, with the grace of God, through this great sacrament, we can overcome it little by little.
    As I write, I am praying, and will continue to pray for you, your family, and for everyone mentioned in your wonderful blog.

  • profipix

    I used to do that. But not until I confessed to my wife and fully surrendered to God that He broke my chains and set me free. It’s been about1.5 years now and what I thought before was impossible, I am now clean, in and out, with God’s help.

  • kim

    Is it too much to ask a husband to turn his head when immodest women pop up on tv or does it just happen so much that men don’t even think to look away? When a show comes on and a woman starts taking clothes off and all of a sudden she is in her little bra and panties, or the Victoria Secret models appear on a commercial…what’s the proper thing for men to do?

  • Rosy

    Hi, I have great admiration that some of you had stayed in the relationships even though you were very hurt at the time. I too am in a relationship, where I still catch my fiance’ starring at other women wherever we are. He always denies it, it has caused so much problems – he makes me feel terrible. In the beginning of our relationship, he would say the most inappropriate things about women to me and he would find nothing wrong with it. He would even bring another female to me and boast as to how great this woman is.He then got saved, he accepted Jesus as his personal saviour. He made a comment about a month ago, about a pop star, that she is sexy and sensual. This just pushed me over the bend, he claimed that he thought there is nothing wrong because it’s someone on TV. This even affects me to this day. I love this man and he treats me very well in other areas of our relationship, I just feel hopeless. :-(

  • Justin Peters

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  • Joshua Mazor

    I think articles like this are really self-absorbed – like there are no greater issues in society worth thinking about all day than where we, as men, control our stare. I also get the sense that this guy feels self-accomplished by not looking at women that he finds attractive. The irony is he spends more time thinking about these women than he would if he just looked. On the flip-side, women must be so fragile and conflicted that not acknowledging them with a second glance for the beautiful creatures they are must be some service to society. If that is the case for your marriage, it might have been on the rocks to begin with.

    Also, I can’t stand this guy’s pandering to women. Let me get this straight:

    1) “Given this conviction, I decided to make a personal change (by the grace of God). I realized I can’t change an entire culture’s behavior, I can only change my own.”

    2) “I can only control myself. It’s unproductive to say ‘those girls shouldn’t wear that!’ or ‘they’re causing me to stumble!’. Men who say that are uniquely annoying and immature.”

    Then he proceeds to try to change the culture of men – Christian men – and where they stare. Men who promote women’s equality & liberation and then look to men to rise up as leaders in this societal reform are uniquely annoying and immature.

  • Redemption Promise

    Thank you for writing this article. In a society that makes women feel crazy and jealous if they want their husband’s faithfulness, it is so lifesaving to hear that someone believes this way. My husband divorced me over this issue. God has told me to pray for him and we will reunite but I have been asking God how this will work. We dealt with this issue and porn for so many years. 5 to be exact. It took a horrible toll on my self esteem and his faith. But I know that what is impossible with man is possible with God. Stay the way you are and keep being bold in your messages for marriage. We need it.

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  • Wendy

    It’s been 25 years since my husband’s infidelity and the Lord has been faithful. He directed me to this professional private investigator captain spy I contact him on his gmail (captainspyhacker2) who helped me spy on his phone just has his name implies, I was enable to spy on his phone remotely and I was so mad at him when I caught him. He was appalled when he knew I already found out his unfaithfulness to our marriage. The next morning he came to me and kneel down to apologize for his wrong doing and promise such will never repeat itself. Needless to say, the pain was unbearable, but the Lord carried me and spoke gently to me. The first whisper to me from the Holy Spirit was a question, “do you love him (referring to my husband)? Initially I could only answer with a heavy sigh until He asked a third time and I responded, “yes.” From that time forward the Lord promised that he would do a new thing (Isaiah 43:18-19). The Lord relocated us to a new state and we struggled through the pain together with the Lord as the three-fold cord that brought healing and newness of life to our relationship. I had to position myself to hear and to obey God’s voice and to ignore my flesh that cried out for revenge.Since . It was difficult to shut out the worldly counsel and the other voices. I look back and marvel at His amazing grace and mercy. I also appreciate captain spy for his amazing service he offered me

  • KN

    My husband claims “he doesn’t look at other women” but i see him do it a lot. He says im just insecure. Is it just me and my deep rooted messed up past or is not even aware of what he is doing? He can’t truly not notice..that seems like a cop out. My heart wants to trust what he says but to just dismiss what i SEE with my own eyes hurts just as much as WATCHING him look and re-look.