Challenges, Dating Your Spouse, Sex & Intimacy

The “15 Second Kiss” Experiment

A few weeks back, I met a gentleman at church named Tim. Tim and his wife had been married many years (I can’t remember exactly, but it was at least 30) and weathered many trials through their marriage (cancer included).

Naturally I asked him what the secret was – as I usually do when I meet someone with an epic marriage. “How have they stuck together through everything?” – I asked him this knowing that we shared our faith and reliance on Jesus Christ.

He simply replied, “The 15 second kiss.

Intrigued, I asked, “What do you mean?“… though I suppose I could have figured it out.

He responded, “Every day, my wife and I always give each other a 15 second kiss. It’s long enough that you can’t fake it – it forces us to connect.”

I had never heard of purposefully timing a kiss. It was a novel idea I was anxious to try!

Our “15 Second Kiss” Trial

More kissing, less bickeringSelena and I kiss plenty, but we realized that we don’t often kiss for more than a few seconds. I’m not exactly sure why, but I do know it wasn’t like that when we were dating. We made out way too much and for too long when we were dating…

After my “sales pitch”, Selena and I agreed to try a few days with the “15 second kiss” rule. Here’s what we learned (or were reminded of)…

1) 15 seconds isn’t that long… except when you’re kissing

We burn 15 seconds all the time without thinking about it. We sit on our phones, daydream, work around the house, you name it – 15 seconds is a short amount of time for most tasks. However, when you’re kissing and consciously timing it, 15 seconds seems to be longer. And that’s a good thing!

At first we were both aware of the time because of the novelty of the exercise. It didn’t take long for us to simply get lost in the kiss. If other couples are like us, we get too busy to “get lost” doing anything. The 15 second kiss was a refreshing reminder that we can truly get lost in our affection for one another.

2) It’s nearly impossible to kiss for an extended period of time and not feel closer

Kissing is intimate. We found that as we “got lost” in the kiss, we were getting lost together. And when we were lost together we truly found each other. (Oh that sounds poetic…)

Kissing makes us feel closer; and since we always want to feel closer it makes sense to make purposed kissing a daily part of our lives.

3) It refocused us on “who” we are to each other

My husband is my best friend.When you’re “kissably-close” to your spouse, smelling their breath, feeling their skin, you remember who they are as a person. It’s easy to begin seeing your spouse as a roommate or casual partner, but kissing reminds us of the distinctly human qualities (good and bad) that we fell in love with in the first place.

Kissing forces us to drown out distractions around us. We had to consciously tune everything else out and focus solely on each other – something we can all agree we need more of.

4) Kissing is a gateway drug

Kissing contributes to overall friskiness. We are both… ahem… more “intimacy minded” after the 15 second kisses than we are before.

5) Kissing refreshes and energizes us

Perhaps it’s just the friskiness, or maybe something else, but kissing is like an adrenaline shot.  We both feel excited and energized after a 15 second kiss.

Try for yourselves!

Whether you and your spouse are constant kissers or even if you’ve forgotten what a french kiss is, I highly recommend giving this exercise a shot. Feel free to go longer than 15 seconds, but certainly don’t go shorter – at least not after you try it a few times.

I’m confident it will have a positive impact on your relationship with your spouse. Give it a try and report back with your findings. :-)

Question: Have you tried the 15 second kiss? If so, tell us about your experience in the comments.

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  • J McD

    Great idea! My husband and I recently went through a very dark period in our marriage. Every night we spend several minutes holding each other and kissing now, and it has really been a way to get back to the feelings that brought us together in the first place. Love your husband/wife. You won’t regret it!

    • Great testimony. Affection and connection go hand in hand… Thanks for sharing J :)

  • Ryan & Selena,

    I love this “15 second kiss” concept. I kiss my husband everyday. However, it’s hasn’t been 15 seconds. This post reminded me of a situation yesterday. My husband drew close to me. All of a sudden he reached for my lips. I was expecting just a quick peck on the lips. But, no… it was more than 15 seconds. At first, I didn’t respond… but, he didn’t stop and I found myself lost in it. We will do this regularly now. I never thoght about it until your post. Thanks!

    • That’s incredible Kimberly, thanks for sharing!

      • Ryan, I love the Fierce Marriage community. I love the things your share. If we don’t share how can we be effective in our ministry and testimony to help others? Thank you!

    • Brandon King

      That almost made me cry. That’s so caring and sweet.

  • Blake Cameron Corbitt

    Read the Wikipedia article on Oxytocin. I apologize for Wikipedia use, but this is a good article. If you seek the answer why kissing works, there is a reason it works in the beginning too. Oxytocin is released massively during kissing and it is meant to make you feel “frisky”.

    So, there lies your answer. It is part of our Brain chemistry.

  • Ray

    Thanks for the post. I referenced and played off of your post on my blog:

  • I know that Gottman recommends a 6-second kiss because that’s the minimum time needed to start feeling romantic. Making it last longer is even better. Once you get into that habit, you want even more.

  • Joseph Duron

    I don’t spend nearly as much time with my wife as I should. Let alone kissing her… Thanks for the conviction and a good refresher.

  • Wife of 17 years

    I think men want kissing but what about alternating it with 30 second hug? Or 10 minute eye to eye talking? These perhaps will satisfy a woman more

    • RO

      Then he is doing it wrong…

    • LovetheLord

      satisy YOU more. I’ll take a kiss from my hubby.

    • Christen

      I’ll take kissing!

    • Tiawia

      I think the point is not forgetting those special deep down feelings we get for each other. Although talking or hugging can be intimate, those are things we are able to do with other people. Kissing is sacred because that’s the one thing saved just for your spouse. Only my opinion but once you start making a rule more convinient for you because kissing for 15 seconds is too long, then you should probably try the 15 second challenge. Life gets in the way too easy andif you’re both making excuses then it’s pointless. The point is in the middle of a hectic day no one wants to stop and kiss for 15 seconds but when you do, you don’t regret it. Like a workout or long overdue prayer. Things that are good for you that you wish to keep putting off. I say kissing is the best medicine and I will gladly take this daily challenge with my husband. Thank you for sharing I hope this is just what we need to get through our stressful times and even happy ones when this doesn’t feel needed :)

  • chandler

    I’ve been married 12 years and it has been over tent since we’ve had a kiss that long! I’m pretty sure this would be a hard sell to my wife-she still feels that kissing is gross.

    • Will

      If she thinks its gross then that’s just how she is. Maybe it won’t always be that way, but you can’t make her like it. Kissing, however, is just one way to be intimate and there are many others. The oxitocin that is released during a long kiss (which is what causes the emotional closeness and bonding) also occurs with physical contact like cuddling, or just sitting close enough that you touch. Maybe you could offer an alternative to her and see what she thinks?

    • Aching

      I can relate. This article was very painful for me to read. I’m a romantic guy and my wife used to kiss me when we were dating, once even told me I was a great kisser! After we were married she told me that in reality she hated kissing and as such hasn’t kissed me anything more than a peck in the 21 years we’ve been married. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to give her even one of these simple kisses, only to have her turn her face away.

      I think the article is great. It’s good advice. As a pastor who has done quite a lot of pre-marital and marital counseling I teach the importance of this to lots of people. But behind the scenes I ache. I can tell you from experience that the converse to this article is true. Don’t ever kiss (or neglect whatever builds intimacy between you and your spouse, maybe it isn’t kissing for everyone and if you and your spouse both enjoy something else, then do that! But I suspect that an unwillingness to share a kiss often betrays a deeper emotional issue of some type) and your relationship will wither, becoming a source of heartache and pain for one or the other or both.

      • Praying

        As a pastor to pastor I just prayed that God would give you the courage and grace to talk with your wife and share where you are at.

        • merry

          Amen and Amen!!!

      • So Sad

        I don’t pray for much but I will say a prayer for you. It made my heart hurt to know your wife prefers to not kiss you. I love kissing my husband and I couldn’t imagine not doing so.

      • Ellie

        Have you asked her why she doesn’t like/feel comfortable with kissing? Could it be something as simple as making sure you (or her) have fresh breath. I can think of a couple times I’ve turned away from a kiss from my hubby because I needed to brush my teeth. — I think you should tell her that it hurts your feelings.

        • Sympathizing

          I find it difficult to imagine this would be a plausible explanation for a 21-year-old problem… :/

        • Communication

          I agree. My husband and I have done a lot of learning in the time we have been married. There have been ups and downs in our intimate relationship. I would say the greatest help and benefit for us personally has been good communication and validation.

      • Karen

        Hi Pastor, I’m so sorry to hear that you don’t share that intimacy with your wife. My husband complains I won’t do other sexual things with him, that he “likes other things” things that make me feel used or degraded. But enough about me. I had a friend once who’s breath was so horrid that I wasn’t surprised when her fiancé skipped out on her 6 weeks before the wedding (I don’t think that was why he left her). Later her breath got better… Anyway could it be that? To kiss someone with bad breath is a turn off. Also if a woman isn’t treated like she is loved (not lusted after) by her husband as if he puts her first in everything, she won’t want to kiss that way. I will pray for you.

      • One Thought

        I’d suggest letting your wife read this article.
        I’m a bit on the flip side. Though my wife and I kissed a ton when we were dating (because anything beyond that was across “the line”) once we were married and there was no line kissing wasn’t so intriguing to me anymore though my wife still likes it for me its not so fun.
        BUT, Letting the spouce that doesn’t long for the kiss as much may in itself open up the idea of at least giving it a try. Don’t force it on them just say “hey I read an interesting article and want to know what you think and if you’d be willing to try it.” Worst case she still doesn’t love kissing and your right back where you are.

      • Empathetic

        Don’t worry, you don’t have 21 years of bad breath… But I can relate to your wife. I loved kissing when my husband and I were dating but I honestly don’t like it at all anymore. I cannot truly pin down the reason except whenever my husband kisses me (anything more than a peck) I feel like its always to further a different agenda. He loves kissing but because I feel its only to warm me up to his other agenda, I either don’t want to kiss because I don’t want to do the other, or because I feel like its a waste of time to kiss when we might as well just move along to other things and get it over with. I miss kissing; I miss enjoying kissing, but I don’t know how to fix it.

        • Happily Married Girl of 20 yrs

          Of course our husbands have an agenda!!! God made them that way! They have a sexual God-given drive that we women can’t understand. For us wives to shun their kiss because we are afraid they want something more is very sad. You are setting up even the strongest man to be unsatisfied which puts your marriage in danger! Wives, get over yourselves and kiss and make love to your man! It’s not about you–marriage should be giving of yourself to each other in all areas–physical, spiritual, emotional. It is an unselfish act. Husbands are often accused of being selfish because they want intimacy, but wives are just as guilty when they selfishly refuse .

          • liz

            Well said! I couldn’t agree more. Wives should want to kiss and make love to their husbands everyday!! It is the way God created us to connect at the deepest level.

          • jen

            Gosh idk about everyday girl. But your right. At least consistently. (Im also preggo so doing it kinda makes me feel like crap sometimes as in physically sick) before though, he was happy at almost every day.but not so much that it began to feel like a chore. That is our secret, it happens when we both genuinely want it because my happiness in our sex life is important to him. He would rather give up a da or y two here or there because he knows i will actually enjoy it when we are together.

          • Kat

            Best response I read so far. Glad your husband is so understanding and caring toward you. That will help make him an awesome father too, in my opinion. I think this is a very tangible way a husband can be a good leader.

          • Lizzy


          • Brandon King

            I like how you are basically telling these women to accept rape because god said so…

          • BlackStar269

            Nice try at an amazingly misguided spin. There is not a single suggestion in any comment in this thread that even approaches your idea.
            How many other straw man arguments would you like to suggest?

          • Brandon King

            What I was referring to is Happily Married’s view of how women should “give in” because their marriage will fall apart if she doesn’t That’s exactly what she’s saying. Please focus on what I actually replied to, not the entirety of these comments. I was replying to one person. Also, please try and be a mature, civil adult rather than calling my argument stupid and invalid.

          • BlackStar269

            Brandon, I read what you were replying to, along with the rest of the thread. You mischaracterized her comment and now you are misquoting her. Your comment was invalid. Your reply to me is as well. Clearly I am not the only one who thinks so.

            The more I read of what you said, the farther you retreat from your initial comment. You have now apologized for the use of the term “rape”. Additionally, you have stated that it was inappropriate. Apparently you agree with me.

            Do you agree with this:
            Paul’s comments in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 have some bearing. “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

          • JimXoc

            Well Said !! Great – Balanced Use of Scripture!

          • Brandon King

            Like I’ve already stated, and you’ve already read, I did not choose the right word at the time. I was upset to read some of the things that people wrote and jumped the gun when I typed. It is still similar to what I meant and at least serves to associate the feelings that some women apparently have when dealing with these issues in their own marriages. I would hope it was also obvious that I wasn’t attempting to quote her word for word. I was paraphrasing what the point she made could be perceived as. Furthermore, I do not agree with snippets of Bible verses that are just pieced together conveniently to assist someone in their argument. I don’t really think that marriage advice from a single man holds much weight, especially considering your quoted verse was taken from a response letter and not some holy quoted word of the lord.

          • netrek

            Wrong! ALL of Scripture is infallibly inspired and useful for reproof and correction.

          • JimXoc

            Brandon You are simply applying your ideas and changing what Happily Married said. Sorry you feel the way you do. Rape? Really how did you get there?

          • Brandon King

            Of course I am applying my ideas, otherwise I wouldn’t be typing. Everyone applies their ideas when they are arguing. Aside from me using the term rape, everything else was as she said it. She believes that if the women can’t submit themselves to their husbands that they are going to be the ones responsible for their marriage falling apart and therefore failing God. I got there by the similarity between forced and submissive intercourse.With the way she explained it, the woman would be responsible for the marriage and if she didn’t give it up, the marriage would fail. That’s essentially telling her that she has to which is the same as force. I have replied to many people’s comments, apologizing for using the word rape. It was the only thing that came to mind at the time. It does, however, still prove my point.

          • Yikes!

            ‘BeenThereDoneThat’ actually did say that you should give your husband sex regardless of feelings because that Bible says to. So you are indeed referring to at least one or two comments here. And you are absolutely correct: marital rape is a real thing, and men who advocate it are sick and creepy. (I say this because my marriage is Very healthy, so sickness is easy to spot.)

            I would like to set the record straight. God does NOT endorse marital rape, and anyone who suggests otherwise has a broken perception of God’s character.

          • Sending Love

            Was that really necessary? Intimacy between spouses does not possibly mean molestation. Rape is done out of harm to the other person, but intimacy between spouses is a beautiful, God-given thing, and it’s something we should let be a part of our lives in a marriage.

          • Brandon King

            I said nothing about intimacy. I replied to Empathetic’s comment about submitting to your husband. The way she said it makes it as if it’s not okay for them to say no. It seems like men are just viewed as “horny and can’t control it”. That’s bs. We can control it just fine. In fact, it isn’t something that needs to be controlled and supplemented by a spouse. It IS beautiful. It IS a need. It IS lovely. It SHOULD be a part of marriage. It is NOT something that a women has to “give in to”.

          • Bridgette

            Holy crap, I cant agree with you more Brandon. Thank you for making me feel human.

          • lovemyman

            I agree with what u are saying here in this last comment and I agree with Blackstar. But I think what pushed a button for people is you using the term “rape”. While I do not agree with the lady’s comments you were replying too either and I do believe one can be raped by their spouse, I do not believe the lady’s comments warranted being accused of suggesting that women allow themselves to be raped. Out of respect for those who have experienced the trauma of true rape that term should be used carefully. I went thru a very difficult time after only 5 yrs of marriage, after finding out my husband had a porn addiction. I lost all desire for intimacy because it just made me feel used. But for about a year I tried to ignore or push past what I was feeling in order to do what I thought I was suppose to do as a wife. It only built up resentment but not once would I ever assume that I felt anywhere near the trauma a rape victim would feel. It was 4 years of the most difficult time in our marriage but we prayed, we talked, we got thru it. I would never tell a woman she should meet that need regardless of her own feelings but if there is a reason a wife consistently doesn’t want intimacy with her husband then u have to deal with why. Occasionally one of us may be in the mood while the other is too tired (yes, sometimes he’s the one too tired), but overall we work hard to meet each other’s needs.

          • Brandon King

            Thank you for your story and agreeing. I do apologize for using the term rape. As I have stated previously, it was not the best choice I could have made to use. It is very close and still serves to prove my point, but I could have chosen something more appropriate.
            I am glad you two have worked it out! You are talking about exactly what I mean: the woman feels as if she’s responsible. A lot of men seem to share that addiction or at least some level of ‘worshiping’ sex. Although I do understand that sex is a necessity of a healthy life, I do not believe it to be something tragic when it doesn’t happen for a while.

          • Stephanie

            Well, I totally agree with you Brandon. From my personal experience I can say that rape is probably the closest description though it is obviously not the same, especially if your husband isn’t really TRYING to force it upon you with a negative attitude. And while I would never put the two situations side by side it is still the closest I have been able to come up with when I have tried to figure out what I was feeling at the beginning of my marriage and still feel sometimes even though it has been years since we starting attempting to fix the situation.

          • Stefanie

            You’re missing the love behind the choice of giving yourself. The scripture tells us that we are to submit to our husbands and our husbands are to submit to us. It doesn’t say “do what I tell you because I said so.” It’s out of love because the husband is to love the wife like Christ loved the church and because of that love we are to put aside what we want for the other. This doesn’t mean that we’re having sex every night; there are some nights that I am just too tired. But the love between us knows that it’s nothing more that; and I’ve made a choice not to turn him down more than once. Likewise, he doesn’t ask every night because he respects me. There is a love and trust that we have the best interest for each other and not looking out for ourselves. Yes, some people abuse these scriptures and God will deal with them when the time comes. But when you use them for their intent it makes for a wonderful relationship with both Christ and your spouse.

          • Statalyzer

            { It seems like men are just viewed as “horny and can’t control it”. That’s bs. We can control it just fine. In fact, it isn’t something that needs to be controlled and supplemented by a spouse. It IS beautiful. It IS a need. It IS lovely. It SHOULD be a part of marriage }

            The idea that even in a loving marriage, men are expected to want sex way more often than women, is a very Western one. (It’s also not nearly as common as the stereotypes suggested, according to several counselors I’ve talked to, in couples they’ve counseled at least 40% of the “my partner isn’t interested in sex enough” complaints they get come from women).

          • anon

            Making a victim of women is definitely not the intention. Victims cry “abuse”. A good happy wife doesn’t just lay there and take it, she initiates more often and shows intimacy toward her husband because it is a simple way to make him happy.

          • Brandon King

            I may not have chosen a good word to use as an example. I’m sorry. What I meant was similar, just not the best word.

          • Statalyzer

            { A good happy wife doesn’t just lay there and take it, she initiates more often and shows intimacy toward her husband because it is a simple way to make him happy. }

            Shouldn’t be a simple way to make both of them happy?

          • Jus’ a smile*

            I accidentally pressed that I liked your comment. oops. I didn’t get that from that person that it was rape because God said so. I actually think that sometimes when we don’t feel like having sex doesn’t give us an excuse to ignore our husband’s sexual needs. We are not going to ‘die’ from tending to his needs. Sometimes, not all the time, it is important to tend to our husband’s needs in a compassionate and caring manner. Compassionate because at times we don’t feel like it as much as he does but because we value him we will do it without whining but with an attitude of letting him know he matters in your world, even if it is sex when you don’t ‘feel’ like it. ;)

          • Amanda

            you are sick. that is the sickest thing I have ever read. If you truly loved her, you would not let her diminish herself in that way. It is unhealthy and I suggest you seek counseling. It is rape if you want it and she does not. Rape happens all the time in marriages and unfortunately under “Gods”/”religions” name. I am sure she is doing other things to serve you and show you love, and you do not appreciate those things.. and if you would just make her feel loved and not like a sex whore, she would willingly satisfy your sexual needs.. but there is obviously an underlying issue, that you are probably ignoring. Maybe try calling it “making love” rather than “sex”.. and think about what that means… if you need help: its an exchange of love. Do you really love her? are you really loving her? or is she there to scratch an itch?

          • not feeling it….yet;)

            I have to agree with jus a smile. Because theres a difference between not ‘feeling ‘ it and forced. Force is rape. Not feeling it but doing it either way is not. And besides, most women arent ‘feelin it’ til theyre already in the process. I cant tell u how many times I wasnt ‘feeling it’ when my husband was but made love anyway and had a bigger smile on my face when we were done than he did. The unplanned orgasm never hurt anyone… quite the opposite ;)

          • Brandon King

            Like I said above, I chose the wrong word for what I was attempting to associate with. I’m sorry. What I meant was the fact that she implies that women hold the fate of their marriage in their vaginas. According to Happily Married Girl of 20 yrs, if the woman doesn’t “do her part”, he will leave and they will have failed God…..I don’t see that at all.

          • feelingused

            I know what you mean and I have even talked about it with my husband and used the word “rape” because that is how I felt. He wasn’t forceful but he would make me feel bad because I didn’t feel like having sex when he did and he would say I didn’t love him b/c I didn’t want to have sex with him that night. Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a wall though and he still doesn’t see how making me feel bad to get sex is wrong. I have tried counseling but he won’t go unless it is with someone he knows like a pastor. I don’t feel comfortable because the pastor knows him but not me so I feel like he is taking his side. I would rather we go to a couselor that neither of us knows so that there is no feelings of the counselor taking sides. I know that writing this on here isn’t going to get me help but I needed to vent somewhere.

          • Jus’ a smile*

            Amanda? I am going to say something that I want you to think hard on. You are coming from the position that it is RAPE if a woman doesn’t want to have sex but does it anyways because she is forced to [threatened, physically abusive without permission]. I AGREE WITH THAT statement if indeed you are saying that. But I have to challenge that if you are having sex with your husband without the ‘flowers, service or love languages, etc.’ it is considered RAPE. I challenge that for a fact that ‘not feeling like doing sex but doing it and being submissive, compassionate and doing it because he matters to you and he rocks your world’ is NOT THE SAME THING AS RAPE. Again RAPE is being threatened or physically abusive like being pushed, shoved, slapped or physically hurt in anyway without your consent, please don’t confuse the two. I often did not ‘feel’ like having sex when my husband did. Many times because I did submit myself, I found myself having pleasure on more occasions then I would like to admit, when it first started off with my attitude of not feeling like it. I also found he was getting ‘lazy’ and was not courting me as much which made me resentful but guess what? HE HAD NO CLUE. He was in no way shape or form a rapist because I didn’t feel like it!! Okay… that said, approaching sex from a resentful point of view such as ‘no flowers, no foreplay, no love languages, etc.’ will only make you hate your husband and hate your marriage and make you a victim in this. I want you to have small victories on this by allowing yourself and your marriages some ‘quickies’. A quickie is so helpful in a marriage. Whoever initiates sex should not have to please the other person entirely or sometimes it is so quick that both would orgasm but that should not be the goal in this kind of sex. Drive through sex if you may. To be fair, you must allow for the initiators to be BOTH husband and wife on different days AND the rules are they cannot have it all the time like that. ON THAT SAME END OF THE STICK… you must allow other sex days to be a little more involved. For example, candlelights with him bringing dinner home, working on the car with him in a sexy outfit saying sexy words, winking at him at times, etc. I hope this helps. Most of all, talking it through without resentment works great! Go and get some help if needed if this is that important to you. :) Here is hoping that all will go well.

          • Brandon King

            You are right that rape is not what is going on. I chose the wrong wording. You are, however, still stating gendered “facts”. You seem to be referring to stereotypes and the biggest one being that the man needs it so badly that you have to submit. There doesn’t have to be any submission involved. Communicating the fact that you don’t feel like it should be more than enough for him to care about YOUR feelings to let it go and watch a movie with you or talk about the day, w/e.

          • Jus’ a smile*

            Thanks Brandon! :) I actually didn’t refer to a gendered stereotype as I as referring to both the man and the woman. I was just referring to my case when talking about a husband. The same applies to a wife having a desire as I had mentioned. If one wants it one day or the other wants it one day and the other ‘don’t feel like it’, submitting or deferring one’s desire to accommodate the other desire is unselfish and literally compassionate and of course done with consent. I did mention doing it ‘sometimes’ on purpose because no spouse should expect it done their time only and whenever they want it they will get it. Your suggestion of communicating is more then appropriate, it is necessary. Thanks again, Brandon :)

          • Tash

            Brandon, I love your advocacy for wives and it is a breath of fresh air. However, I respectfully disagree that a wife should not submit to her husbands advances and only have sex when the two are equally in the mood. Marriage is an act of submission, in and of itself. Of course there will be times when the one is in the mood and not the other. Unfortunately, men tend to be more hypersexual which makes them the initiator most of the time. But the opposite can be true as well. The point is, if the two only has sex when they’re both in sync at the same time, the marriage can suffer. However, men are not animals and don’t have to always have everyrime they’re in the mood. Sometimes denying oneself for a bit enhances the experience later. Compromise is key.

          • sallyy

            I’m jumping in 5 days late but better that than never!

            I’m joining this conversation as a woman who HAS been raped, I was 13 years old and I got cornered in an alley way.. I am now happily married and I would never ever say that my husband has raped me yet I would say there are many occasions when we have had sex because he needs and wants it but i simply do not feel like it. He is well aware of the fact that he needs sex more than i do and he knows that i often wont want to do it, but i have learnt that every time i do it any way and put his needs and desires above mine that he feels unbelievably loved. It also means that when we do both want it its very magical.

            I think what is said in the scale of sex post on here is really helpful. He needs fast car sex every couple of days, so wives should expect that and you should know as a couple that its coming, but you both need some slow freight train full works date night sex so plan for that too. If you both know that there will be both kinds of sex on the table there should be no problem. We have found as a couple that this has changed everything about our relationship, but it required us to have an honest conversation about our needs and desires, about our expectations.

            Like i said, rape is what happened to me when i was just a little girl, sex that i dont need but he does is what happens in our marriage.. It’s actually really painful to see someone make rape seem to be less than what it is. – I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen in marriages, but it only happens when he uses physical violence to get what he wants, when it leaves her in pain and feeling used. Him asking for sex and doing it lovingly is not rape. Please don’t make it seem like it is, because those us who have been raped find it really hurtful.

            Hope this helps to some degree or another.

          • Trena Michelle Claxton

            I must say i agree with you on this. When i was married to my children’s father he wanted it more than i did and i made it a point after the kids were asleep of course to give my self to him every few days. It made him happy so there for made me happy. Even though we divorced it was not from an unhappy sex life together.

          • Amanda

            Rape happens all the time in marriage. If one person does not want nor consent, then it is rape. Men, just because you are married does not incline you to “have her whenever” ..what happened to drawing her in, making her feel special.. etc. just because you are married does not mean you skip all the important parts of wooing your woman.. you will begin making her feel like a whore. No woman should ever feel that way, especially in a marriage. I watched it first hand in my parents’ marriage.. and it is not ok. (not saying all men do it.. but IT DOES HAPPEN!) And do not condemn Brandon for saying it. Thank you Brandon. It happens, and who knows.. your woman may be feeling that way about you and you just do not know it. Treat her special, make her feel important and loved.. and do it without expectation of a sensual night.. because if you do that without expectation.. after some time, she will be soo crazy for you and your unselfish loving, that sex for you both will be very satisfying :) ..but the longer the “damage” has occurred (aka years of trade.. buying gifts/doing nice things only because you want sex.. ).. the longer it will take for it to heal and for her to trust that you love her for her and do not have an agenda except to love her. This will take time and practice.. and no expectation. Find out her love language.. if problems in the bedroom are there.. pretty sure you are not making her feel loved. And if you only feel loved when you have sex.. then that is a problem that wont be fixed until you find a way to make her feel loved. But you cannot demand it. It will make your problem worse. (also, her sacrificing herself.. diminishing her self worth to make you feel loved is not ok. if you require sex to feel loved, and giving sex without feeling loved makes her feel gross, then do not ask her to do that to herself. That is not ok. It is not loving her. If you truly loved her, you wouldnt hurt her like that.

          • Kevin

            wow Amanda – you need to get some counseling.

          • Brandon King

            Why did you just waste your time reading however much you read of this just to write a patronizing and belittling comment that has no constructive worth whatsoever?

          • Jjoyce

            Because a woman doesn’t want to feel pressured into sex or feel she has been bought, there is something wrong with her? For a man to respect space for awhile or learn how to appropriately get his wife’s trust so she wants to be intimate makes her need counseling? I’m so grateful for my husband right now because he has never belittled me for my thoughts and ideas. If you can do it so easily to a stranger, I’m sure you can’t have a very healthy relationship. Heaven forbid a woman wanting to feel safe and loved and not feeling forced into sex! That’s insane, I better get counceling too!

          • annie

            I can see where you are coming from actually. She goes on to say that basically if you do nit give in and satisfy your husband regularly, then it can make even the strongest man dissatisfied and ruin the marriage. She says to get over youselves and give in to the husbands god given right to sex…that we women apparently cant understand. Weird.

          • Captainde

            I’m sorry I don’t get it? Yes I’m a man LOL! But if 2 people are in love what is wrong with sex? Why is it that all too often as soon as the ring slides on the finger the sex drive drops?? I would want that ultimate closeness with my partner( Wife) Then again I would be satisfied with just some deep intimate kissing. I’m reading all the comments on this post and it’s freaking sad!! I can’t even imagine why most people on here even got married in the first place!

          • Statalyzer

            { I can see where you are coming from actually. She goes on to say that basically if you do nit give in and satisfy your husband regularly }

            If something that is supposed to be mutual is regularly about “giving in”, they’re both in big trouble already.

          • just sayin

            Ugh shut up

          • Brandon King

            Why would you even bother to reply with that? What a waste of your time and everyone else bothering to read it. If you’re not going to be a civil, mature, adult person please don’t bother replying. There is no constructive purpose to what you typed.

          • Michelle

            You must be a troll, because a real man wouldn’t say such things. A Godly man that is. SMH

          • PiperPear

            It’s not rape to make love to your husband. If you don’t want to be intimate, call it quits. Life is too short to live without the things you both need to feel whole. He deserves someone who wants to be there. If you feel like it’s rape to spend some intimate time with your mate, then you are kidding yourself that this is your mate. You aren’t meant to be together.

          • Gods girl

            Brandon get real…have you been reading the same posts I have? Because NOTHING close to support rape has been advocated here!

          • Sending love

            I agree with this completely! We need to be open-minded to see our spouses the way that God wishes for us to see them. He sees their inner lining and potential, where we get lost in our own thoughts, opinions, and perceptions. We need to remember that both partners need affection, equally. A 15 second kiss can soothe hidden wounds for both. Intimacy was not create for unequal purposes, but to unity spouses in an intimate, shared love; to grow appreciate each other; and to help us see our true colors. It’s a commandment to love each other as well as we can. It’s easy to give in to our own pains and desires, but we cannot allow that to thwart our marriages. The family is what really matters.

          • E Faler

            Although I agree with your premise, it’s not always that easy. Nor is it fair to call women with these issues selfish or deficient. Yes, it’s nice to be able to say, “if you love your husband, you should make love to him” but if you don’t feel like it, you shouldn’t feel forced to do it or else you’ll just end up resenting him – which is much worse! Trust me. Because that’s what happened to me. I would do it, even though I didn’t feel like it because I knew that was what he wanted and I love him. And in the end, it made me resent him every time we began to get intimate. Making love should be an act of desire and love – not just an act of selflessness. We finally sat down and communicated and found a solution to stop the resentment, allow me to enjoy making love to him again, and still fulfill his needs. Every couple just needs to communicate and find something that will work for them. And everyone needs to be a little more understanding of why people do what they do and feel the way they feel!

          • needstobesaid

            Yep, communication is key. It’s incredible how many people avoid talking about what’s really bothering them when one conversation could change everything! Your man can’t read your mind. Some of these people posting on here should be bringing up these issues with their spouse, not random people on the internet. If you love each other, then you’ll listen and try to fix it… together!

          • Been there done that

            Gods word says our bodies are not ours – they are Gods temple & in covenant marriage God is very specific in stating that your body belongs to your spouse. Now, understandably if there’s other issues, emotional neglect, verbal abuse or something deeper, God is very clear that husbands are to LIVE their wives as Christ lives the church & wives are to RESPECT their husbands…that said, “feelings” never come into the equation. Whether you (husband or wife) “feel” like it or not is in direct opposition to His word & His commands – faith is the key here – having faith in Him & obeying your marriage covenant TO HIM ( because it’s not just the husband & wife in covenant) you are in a 3-strand, chord covenant! Gid’s in this with you both! When you use your feelings to decide whether or not you will love/respect your spouse whether it’s a 15 second kiss or an intimate time enjoying each other in bed, you put yourself in direct opposition of Gods word – plain& simple – it is sin.

          • seriously? -.-

            Lol are you guys basing relationships on pleasing God. SCREW THAT. I will base my relationship on pleasing myself and my husband, not because some man god person says so. It just always makes it look like God is watching us be intimate and that’s disgusting. I’m not religious but I’ve met people who go to church and follow God very willingly but I have never heard then say that they have to do whatever for their spouse because the man upstairs says so. I don’t mean to sound rude but all these godly comments is just like your shoving a bible down our throats. I don’t need God to make me feel good in a committed relationship, nor a marriage. I do it for myself and my husband. No one else!

          • Philip

            wow. Too bad. How long have you been married? God is the only one that has held our marriage together. If my wife was intent on pleasing herself, she would have left years ago with good reasons, but she chooses o love me as God enables her. I find the greatest joy and freedom when I follow God’s advice, motivated by knowing Jesus as my savior.

          • To Philip & Seriously

            Philip, AGREED! To seriously, I’ve been reading these comments and never once thought it sounded like people were “shoving a bible down our throats”. If anyone else think that, then they should simply stop reading and not comment. A non-religious person wouldn’t comment with such disdain. At any rate, anyone else who would have mentioned Buddah or Allah, a person wouldn’t have the gall to comment negatively. It seems to only be God that people seem to have an issue with…So, perhaps exercise the freedom of speech we’re blessed to have and at the same time, not rant about people who choose to use theirs in a different way.

          • Jjoyce

            Agreed! I am spiritual and have a great belief in God. But I don’t believe in religion because it always felt to me like inevitably people bring their religion into everything. I have been mostly happily married for 15 years. God doesn’t make my marriage work-our love, attraction and respect for each other does. Yes, God has helped me get through some tough times by helping me feel at peace. But he can’t make my marriage work. Marriage is hard and we have had hard times but we find our way back by remembering how we feel deep down. Religion doesn’t have to be brought into everything. I find my beliefs quite personal and would never tell someone what God does and doesn’t do and what someone else should do because of my own beliefs.

          • vicky

            i’m curious why you are in this discussion if that is how you feel. i am new to this site and discussion but i knew right away that it was for Christians. As Christians, we try to include God in ALL aspects of our lives…not trying to antagonize you, i really am curious.

          • Yikes!

            Woah woah woah!!
            You need to be careful, BeenThereDoneThat! What you are describing is spiritual Abuse- nothing short of it.
            God also created feelings. They are a warning bell (in this case) that HE created to tell us that something is wrong!

          • allie

            Im a christian but thats one thing i never understood in the bible. I mean honedtly if thats the case we are technically getting raped by our husbandsand God. Just my thought

          • Debbie Goldbach

            Amen sister!

          • The God who sees

            I agree with you. I got that advise to do the action and the feeling will follow. That didn’t work for me. I just ended up crying and angry. I don’t think God would want me to toucher myself like that. 1 and 3 women are abused. This really screws up the intimacy between 2 people. I don’t think this issues is dealt with in the church. For me it was a nightmare that didn’t seem to end, even in my marriage. I associate intimacy the way a VET associate a war. I have been married for 25 years. I worry that I might loose my husband. We have went to counseling, but I think this is only something God could fix. I’ve received the worse counseling ever. The church is mostly ignorant to dealing with women who are in abusive relationship.

          • Never to late to learn

            Please read ” Boundaries ” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

          • Never to late to learn

            Boundaries by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. I have been around a lot, tried the submissive wife thing, it just takes away all love. If they treat you with disrespect and then you work harder to appease them they will continue in their ways and your spirit will be crushed and you will continue in a loveless marriage, not what God intended. Do you know that the bible also says husbands are to submit to their wives? Why doesn’t the church teach this? “Boundaries” is a God honoring book which teaches us to be honest with our husband and not give fake love out of so called duty. I finally made a boundary, spoke to my husband and informed him that the next time he speaks disrespectfully to me I will leave (as in leave the room, or house, just leave his presence) and if he speaks disrespectfully to the kids I will take the child and leave (his presence). I also let him know that the only time I feel appreciated as when he wants sex, (which I have always given him freely) He finally stopped making excuses for himself and listened to what I was telling. So when he starts to talk that way I will tell him “if you don’t change the way you’re talking, we are leaving”, and if he continues, we will walk away. My husband is generally a good guy, I just allowed bad habits of disrespect from him. It is as much my fault as his because I allowed it. Well, this was 3 days ago, and I did not at all expect it to change so quickly. He has not spoken down to me yet. In fact, he has been really nice to me. Now, I know that he will, at some point, slip back to what he is accustomed to. This is when I must follow through with my boundary. I am now excited about our future and can see that setting boundaries can increase the love and closeness we can share. In some cases though, setting boundaries will not result in that. Some people will not accept your boundaries and you will have to follow through with the consequences and it may even lead to marriage break up. But we must be honest and except the consequences. We all need to set boundaries in every relationship we have. This book has changed my understanding in all relationships. I highly recommend it.

          • Sorry Grammy

            We have been married for 33 years. Not nearly long enough! And I have always loved to kiss. But, like the woman God created me to be (like most women) didn’t like to go any further most of the time. Too many times I said no. And like the gentleman my husband has always been, he settled for the kissing. Now I would give anything to have have a few of those times back! He has congestive heart failure and is slowly dying before my eyes, no longer can we make love the way we used to. Please, girls, don’t say no!!! You will live to regret it!

          • karli

            Not soley directed at you. But, I think her point was “don’t deny the affection/closeness of kisses because you’re worried that he wants something more.” I don’t think it had anything to do with “having sex anyway, although you’re not in the mood. “

          • Kelly

            Thank-you so much for saying what we all so desperately need to hear and understand. There would be so few unhappy marriages, less infidelity and divorces if we all just gave ourselves to our spouses as God intended. Then you would truly feel the bliss of that special, bonding intimacy.

          • Unfulfilled Chick

            I am totally blown away that you think women can’t understand the drive…I am just the opposite, I want sex all the time but my husband could care less. He can go weeks and weeks unless I really remind him. I would love it every night. It often leaves me feeling very unwanted and lonely. I don’t understand his mind set. We both have rockin’ bodies and are fit, attractive and in love. Every everything else is good. We have been married 25 years. It hasn’t always been this way, just for the past 7 or 8 yrs It’s really making me want to look elsewhere for fulfillment – I haven’t, and I wouldn’t, I’m obviously committed, but totally sex and affection starved.. It’s honestly breaking my heart.

          • xtian4liberty

            Unfulfilled Chick, perhaps your husband might have an issue with low testosterone. It’s quite possible. It’s unusual for a man to have low sex drive, and there are a lot of things that can cause low T, even in someone who is young. I’ve heard of at least one guy who was 25 and had zero libido due to it; although, at that age you can naturally raise it pretty easily. The fact that everything has been good until the last 7-8 years seems like that might be the case.

          • Lonely Wife

            Finally someone who is in the same boat as me! I could have written exactly the same thing, word for word. It is truly breaking my heart also. My husband knows I am upset about it, but he is ALWAYS tired. BTW, he had his testosterone checked and it was normal.

          • Brandon King

            That’s really unfortunate. I wish there was something to say that would fix it immediately! Everyone and every couple is different and it’s very hard to just simply suggest a fix. Maybe you guys should venture in to different avenues?

          • JimXoc

            You need to find a time when your husband can concentrate on what you are saying (not distracted) and let him know you want to talk about something important. I would think through your thoughts and words pretty good ahead of time – so that not too many subjects are brought up at the same time – and share your heart with him and how much you love him and what kind of issues it is causing you that you all are not enjoying sex often enough. :)

          • forgiven

            Our sex lives are the place where our joys and hidden hurts show up faster than any other place. If you OR your husband don’t desire the intimacy of marriage, it is a indicator of a deeper issue. Look at it as a gauge of your overall marriage health. Just like our desire to be in relationship with Jesus is an indicator of our overall Spiritual health, our marriage was designed to be an example of that love relationship. Intimacy is only possible with transparency. When we have hidden things in our lives (old hurts not healed, anger, bitterness, damage to our soul through disappointments, places of betrayal not forgiven) it will be a wall to intimacy. Pray for any hidden hurts in your or your spouse to be revealed, then ask God for healing. I promise there will be a change! I’m proof!!

          • Sunflower

            I’m surprised that no one has mentioned the main reasons that husbands aren’t interested in sex. Porn and SG (self gratification). Since sex is a bonding experience, SG and porn bond a person to themselves and they become narcissistic, absorbed with self and stop noticing those around them or wanting to be close to their wives. Also, after years of this, they aren’t able to ‘perform’ properly with a woman because the hand is rougher than the vagina and eventually it doesn’t work anymore. Over 60% of church-going men including pastors are into this, so it is not at all uncommon, and so many wives are hurting. Also, with porn, normal sex becomes boring and the wife doesn’t look so good anymore. Penile-vaginal sex is the only sex that results in the release of oxytocin. All other forms are not real orgasms and release the hormone cortisole, which is the addiction hormone where enough is never enough.

          • Shocked and horrified

            This is Insane! “Of course our husbands have an agenda!!! God made them that way!” Men can and should control themselves. Saying that men have god-given sex drive perpetuates rape culture, and gives men an out. It is not your job as a wife to give into your husbands every sexual urge. Please. Take a step back and sit down.

          • Trena Michelle Claxton

            I think there is truth in both yours and the other comment. Yes men usually tend to have a stronger sex drive and they do need a release more than women do, How ever they need learn how to control it. That could go for women as well cause some women want it more than the husband. Every one has their own valid point and the situation really depends on the marriage. But for every one to say that some one else’s OPINION (Cause that is what all this is about is opinion) is dumb.

          • Brandon King

            Thank you for writing what you did. You are very right that opinions should not be called “dumb” at all! I agree that men should learn to control their desires. Honestly, I feel it’s more of a social and psychological battle than that of a chemical (hormones/testosterone) battle. I am not saying that men don’t chemically have more of a sex-drive than women–only that a man’s drive is more-than-likely compensating for something that is lacking (usually emotionally), or driven by society. Hell, most women perpetuate the stereotypes of men like crazy. Of course their bound to end up thinking it is the norm.

          • Captainde

            And women that are supposedly in love with their husband should want that ultimate closeness… Should desire to be touched by their husbands. What the heck has the marriage come to when the wife doesn’t desire the husband anymore? Thats freaking sad!!!

          • Mirjam woman with a sex drive

            Excuse me, but please speak for yourself. I very much understand a man’s sex-drive and also my own ;-)

          • photogfanatic

            im a woman and my husband rarely wants to kiss (outside of hi and bye) and make love, so sometimes its not just the women, its men too. my sexual drive is way higher than his (we are both in our mid twenties) and have been married only 18 months after dating for a little over 2.5 years. I am going to try this and see what he says/does and how this helps us.

          • Trena Michelle Claxton

            Thank you for that input. I just made a post before i read yours and your post backs up what i said lol.

          • thiswifewantsitall

            I’ve come to the realization that my husband doesn’t care for physical intimacy. This is so painful. When we are intimate, he seems “grossed out” by it. I questioned his lack of interest in intimacy as our wedding date approached and he assured me that he was just being careful and didn’t want things to go too far. We’ve been married now for less than 2 months, and we’ve shared a few deep kisses, and have had sex 4 times. I feel betrayed! I’ve tried to approach this in conversation, but he says I’m “starting something” and is offended by it. Again, I feel such deep betrayal in this.

          • JimXoc

            Wow !! How refreshing !! I really appreciate you expressing this in this way. Thank You !! … I was married for 8 years and my wife turned the switch off on passion (pretty much all forms) right after we got married. She was the one that left … but I can tell you as a healthy man it was a tough 8 years. I have 2 grown kids that i love dearly and see often but to any man who does not have an affectionate wife I can say – I understand and I am sorry!!

          • love

            Have you read the Five Love Languages? It teaches how we all have different ways of feeling loved and loving our beloveds. I highly recommend it for all.

          • Paul

            Amen sister. You have a happy husband who dotes on you.

          • Married 93

            Happily Married Girl… you are right that both acts can be selfish! However, it’s not always that easy – sometimes the refusal or lack of desire is grounded in pain or fear caused by other factors earlier on in life, pain that the Lord wants to heal us from so that we may have fulness of life to spirit AND soul AND body. Likewise, physical intimacy between spouses is the culmination of intimacy and connection between husband and wife encompassing every area of life INCLUDING mentally, emotionally and socially. If you are blessed with a life void of serious pain and emotional inhibitions consider yourself blessed – and if not, then realize it can be even better. Sexual intimacy is not just about satisfying the husband’s need; it’s ultimately an expression of complete communion between two people in covenant with each other – a picture of how close the Lord desires to be with us. He never seeks intimacy with us without also meeting OUR needs and making us feel safe in HIS presence.

          • Annoyed Guest

            There are no words for how disgusting this comment is to me. Just no words at all.

            Women, what you want doesn’t matter! It’s all about yo’ man! God says so!

          • maestra706

            I have to say that it’s not always the woman who shuns…I am married to a man who is twenty years older than me and he shuns me. And before you say it’s the age, I know that is part of it, but it definitely is not the whole reason, so that’s just something to remember! :)

          • Lorraine

            What makes you think that it’s always the wives who refuse and the men who always want sex? I’ve spent the last six years with a man who hardly ever wants sex and hardly kisses me. I’m not unattractive . He just doesn’t have a high libido. I’m sick of reading the stereotype of men always wanting sex and needing to get women in the mood .

          • Cricket


          • John

            Wow that was perfectly said. Thank you. I wish to were more people like you in the world.

          • Anonymous

            So what is my deal? I have to go get a quick kiss from him, whereever he is if i want one.. And the “other” agenda… Let’s just say he says i think about it or try to get it way too much. … Its like junkfood… If theres at least some around the house, i wont rhink about it or crave it, but whenever there is NO junkfood, i have to have some.

          • Not Frigid

            Guess what? Women also have a God-given sexual drive! It is the man’s responsibility to discover and nurture that desire instead of simply satisfying himself at his wife’s expense. Nobody enjoys being treated like a tool! A woman needs a lover who is first interested in HER pleasure, in her need to feel loved & cherished. Every time. When a man loves his wife enough to find out how to pleasure her instead of just “getting his” because it’s a primal “need”, he will find an eager partner who yearns to please him too.

        • jb

          If you miss it too, it seems this would be a great exercise for your marriage. Offer it as a chance to connect with no further “expectations”. I bet it will lead to that and I bet you’ll initiate the opportunity. That alone will boost both of your confidence in your intimacy and connection. Kiss without any expectation other than to kiss your husband. :) have fun!

        • Sending Love

          Try the 15 second rule. That might just be your answer. :)
          Introduce it to your spouse and perhaps with a prayer, she/he might give it a shot.

        • Chel-C

          WOW! My heart is sad for those of you that don’t enjoy kissing or have a spouse that doesn’t enjoy kissing. I am currently doing a blog with my husband that addresses these types of issues (issues that go much deeper than you realize) and one of the challenges is the 15 second kiss. There are 29 days worth of Challenges and they are not all sex related. I have thoroughly enjoyed doing this blog each night before bed and if we miss a night it’s a real bummer. Do a google search on: “The Act of Marriage to love honor and vacuum” It should be the first result that comes up. I will also be praying you guys find enjoyment in kissing once again.

        • anon

          My marriage is the opposite. In the beginning, I was the one with the agenda. Since I have adapted, more or less, to his less frequent desires, I surprisingly don’t care to kiss as much. I love him but don’t feel the overwhelming drive as before. I have learned to appreciate him through this. I’m interested to see if this will make more intimate or more sexual or both?

        • imwise

          Empathetic, ‘wedding cake’ has caused your unreasonable and drastic change from enjoying kissing your husband to NOT enjoying it because you are afraid it will lead to other normal and natural things. (I am being facetious regarding the ‘cake’). However, all too often, one or the other person, usually the woman, turns off the intimacy like a switch shortly after the wedding vows are exchanged. I can assure you this has, or certainly will cause, serious resentment with your husband. And if it hasn’t already, it will build a dangerous wall between you two. If both partners are ‘healthy’, sincere intimacy MUST be an equal part in a happy marriage. Unless your husband is abusing you, figure out how to change your attitude on your own, or get professional help. Your marriage depends on it. To deprive either of you two from enjoying frequent intimacy with each other should NOT be acceptable, nor should it be considered as being normal. Such belief is a major mistake, as is using intimacy as a ‘weapon’ to get your way. That is nothing short of being cruel. The one refusing to be intimate, or doing it out of guilt or ‘duty’ needs help for serious, underlying issues.

          • JimXoc

            Well Said … Thanks!

        • lovemyman

          I had a time in our marriage that I avoided longer kisses too much b/c I too just felt it was to “warm me up to his agenda”. Honestly, it wasn’t that I was anti his agenda but sometimes just missed the fun of kissing without expectations. I talked to my husband about this finally and he was more than willing to have kissing sessions where there were no expectations of his agenda. It works out great. We both enjoy our kissing sessions. Honestly the key is communicating how u feel and working TOGETHER on a solution that is satisfying to you both.

        • Just Trying to Help

          Maybe you could try making out on the couch for an evening, but agreeing to keep it at that just as an experiment. That might remind you of how fun it used to be. If after making out, you want to move on to more, then make the move. That way, you will feel a bit more in control of the situation. Sometimes, we tend to grow apart in this area and don’t know how to get back to what we had. Your sexual relationship with your partner is very important, but you have to be willing to try. Good luck!

        • HonestAbe

          Why don’t you want to do the “other”? Sounds like you don’t really love him.

        • TOBHeals


          There is nothing wrong with your need to feel tenderness from your husband without it always leading into a sexual encounter. Women need simple acts of tenderness from their husbands. Women need to feel cherished and loved, and when the only physical touch they get from their husband is sexual touch it’s likely for her to feel this way. A good book to read with your hubby is Love and Responsibility by Dr. Edward Sri. He talks about this need, which is not limited to women, in that book. I also recommend Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West, and Good News about Sex and Marriage by Christopher West.

        • Jesse James

          Further agenda?!?!? I love how all women use that as an excuse. My wife does the same thing. I guess kissing our parents or kids means what then???? I haven’t any kind of physical emotional moment with my wife May in over 7 months. We have had sex but not made love. I love cuddling and snuggling at night but the ” what do you want?” is always followed. Women wonder why husbands look at porn or wander outside the ranch to look at other women. You take any married man and cut him off sexually for over 6 months, I guarantee he the marriage is either making the way down or already at the bottom of the “divorce hill.” My wife would rather read Facebook or rest from her long day than anything.

          If any woman is reading this and you’re not having sex with your man and wondering what the problem is. Look in the mirror. God made men to want our wives. If I wanted a roommate, I woulda stayed single and had the best man cave around. We married you because we love you and wanted to spend the rest of our lives with you. Again, look in the mirror women if you aren’t having sex and wonder what’s wrong with your marriage.

        • Melissa Cantu

          My husband and I don’t kiss everyday but we always make an effort to start the day with a hug. We don’t time it but we hold each other for at least 10-15 seconds. We do this every morning before we go to work. Kissing is a way to be intimate without having it lead to other things. Maybe explain to him that you want to try this exercise to improve your relationship. Do it in the morning before you head out to work. It may be worth a try.

      • BlackStar269

        Has it occurred to you that you should go to counciling with your wife?

      • chibs

        My prayers are with you. I kiss my husband daily. Not always intimate but I kiss him when he goes to work and when he comes home. That’s just how it goes. When it gets longer than 15 seconds, it gets super intimate. I love my husband and I try to show him that every day. Through different things. I know your wife loves you. I would definitely say that you should try to see how she shows her love for you. Especially for 21 years, there is a reason why she has been with you this long.

      • Joya

        I’m sure your wife loves you and wants to make you happy. Maybe she can go for counselling or inner healing to figure out why she dislikes kissing so much. Is there something from the past that has turned her off to it, or a hurt that hasn’t healed. Does a truth need to be inserted where a lie has been planted. I will pray for you.

      • understanding

        seems like a lot of people think this is strange.. but my sister hates kissing absolutely hates it..she has been married for about five years, and her hubby has learned to show and receive affection in different ways.

      • Lucy

        My husband will not kiss me…I feel undesired and I want that connection/spark…he barley notices that i’m in the same room expect when I do something wrong.

        • Barnes

          Leave him. He does not respect you at all. Find someone who does and move on with your life.

        • Brandon King

          I would say not to make a hasty decision right off the bat. Instead, suggest that there are problems and see if he is actually willing at all to change himself for the sake of you. It’s sad to say, but some people become so comfortable and complacent in their relationship that they feel they don’t need to do any more and sometimes just give up.

      • Stephanie Carter

        I can’t imagine NOT kissing my husband (I don’t have one yet lol) for that long for so many years. That makes me hurt for you. :(

      • Barnes

        She probably had someone force a kiss on her at some point. Dudes generally get over that, chicks don’t. If she didn’t (and you don’t have haletosis), you did something wrong in bed or tried to kiss her when you were drunk (forced it) or otherwise being douchey. She didn’t tell you and you’ve been paying for it ever since. Go to counseling and work it out. When you do go, you had better be 100% honest with her though or you will make it worse. The couch isn’t bad for a couple nights anyway.

        • Barnes

          Also, remember that many counselors are the worst executors of their own advice. You have to go to a separate counselor. You ave no perspective of your own marriage, from the inside looking out, that will help you fix it. Don’t go to anyone you know either. Drive to the next town.

        • merry

          “Aching” is a pastor so I doubt that he was drunk and “forced it.” “Otherwise being douchey?”, maybe. lol

      • c

        My heart hurts for you, I hope that the both of you can one day work that issue out. I can not imagine intimacy or love without kissing

      • Jamie Steffen

        This idea of making time to kiss reminds me of the the 5 second hug from How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Maybe you could get your wife to join you in daily 15 second hugs. I think this would help you feel together and then maybe address each of your feelings on kissing.

      • momof11

        Women do not need physical activity to be feel intimate with their husbands. However, because men do, they often think that is how their wives connect with them intimately. If a wife is having trouble connecting with you physically, it is most likely due to an emotional disconnect with you. You are missing something very important in making your wife feel loved. You need to figure out how to touch her heart. When a woman’s heart is touched and she feels truly loved, the physical intimacy is the overflow of that intimacy, not the key to it. For men, when they want to feel close to you, they seek out physical intimacy. Looking for a physical reason or solution to this problem is looking in the wrong direction. It is her heart that you have not touched. Seek her out as you did when you dated. Learn her heart. Show interest in her as a person, and ask her what makes her feel truly loved.

        • Brandon King

          Please don’t further these ridiculous stereotypes any more. I am tired of hearing people say that men aren’t capable of intimacy and emotion unless they are having sex or kissing or whatever physical activity. We have our own brain and it is not located in our penis.

      • Dr. Maddox

        I find kissing to be repulsive and I always have. Human mouths are filthy. Swapping spit with someone? Uh, no thanks! Perhaps it’s because I’m a bit of a germaphobe and I’m obsessive about oral hygiene. Studies have shown that kissing someone with poor oral hygiene can actually give you cavities! Gross, gross, gross! My husband knows how I feel and respects my feelings. I sympathize with your wife.

      • Nicki

        That hurts my heart. that’s just not right. I pray God will touch your wife’s heart and changes this in your marriage.

      • PMS

        Oh my goodness! I feel ur pain! When someone pretends while dating, and then cuts you off after marriage, that’s the worst.

      • missy

        I can totally relate. Except in my case, it’s my husband that won’t kiss me. Same thing, kissed lots while dating and then after a few months of marriage he said he hated kissing and it’s only been a peck here and there since. I feel alone and neglected. I want to connect on an deeper level and he constantly refuses.

      • Statalyzer

        { I’m a romantic guy and my wife used to kiss me when we were dating, once even told me I was a great kisser! After we were married she told me that in reality she hated kissing }

        It would be really hard for me to trust someone again who lied to me like this throughout dating and engagement and only then sprung the truth on me once we said “I do.” “ok, now that I have you for life I can finally tell you the real unpleasant truth that you are likely going to have to spend the rest of your life feeling like you are physically undesirable”

    • Steve E

      Kissing WHAT? HA!

    • Chandler, instead of kissing, you could try hugging. A 15-20 second hug I think can be as powerful, if not more powerful, than kissing.

    • allergic to kissing

      Does she have allergies? I used to love kissing, but then I got old and the allergies kicked in. It’s hard to kiss that long when you constantly have mucus in your throat. I don’t want to gross him out and it is more difficult to breathe. Nothing wrong with the relationship, but it did take me a while to tell him why I did not want to kiss for extended amounts of time. I received allergy shots for two years, took nasal spray and medications and nothing got rid of it.

    • chellebelle

      My husband doesn’t like kissing much and it has always been hard for me to feel complete intimacy. I love kissing.

    • Nicki

      That is shocking.. “kissing is gross”? No way.. That’s just the beginning of the excitement. I am 31 and I still get butterflies from kissing.

  • Stephany Slater Robinson

    I suppose it would defeat the purpose of the experiment if I did the 15 second kiss whilst my husband was sleeping. I’m goin for it, gotta practice for later And see if he wakes up. Wish me luck and many happy returns!

    • J.Roan

      So… What happened??

  • Selene Jordan

    This actually makes me wish I was married. I can’t see me kissing for 15 seconds and then simply walking away…!! Married, I must be. (Siiiiiiiigh)

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  • Janet Marsalisi

    Even after 17 years of marriage, my husband and I feel that kissing each other is the most wonderful thing in the world! (Except for God, of course!). We still remember our first kiss(es). So I can’t wait to time our kisses now and see how we do!

  • Janet Marsalisi

    We had fun with this one! I didn’t tell my husband about the experiment, so I just tried to kiss him for 15 seconds. But the longer the kiss was, he kind of wondered if something weird was going to happen or if I was trying to brace him for bad news or something. He started to giggle a little. So I tried a second time, but I forgot to start counting, so I started to giggle! When we stopped laughing, I did tell him what I was trying to do, and he thought it was a great idea, so we tried again. But now, trying to concentrate…well, we ended up laughing more than kissing, but that’s okay. It was a fun evening, and we’ll try again later…or tomorrow, and then again and again until we get it “right!” ?

    • becca

      I love this. Kissing is great. but “laughter is the best medicine”.

    • nama h

      Janet this is great! Love love love your input made me laugh too. That sounds like what would happen to us!

      • Bryanna

        I completely agree with nama and becca. Kissing is great and your story is the real world fairy tale. Moments like those are to be cherished. Sometimes laughter also keeps the romance alive! God bless!

    • Captainde

      This was wonderful to read Janet. I’m not not married hope to be again one day tho. And I plan on having a healthy relationship. Some of the other comments under this one I find quite frightening truthfully. I guess being divorced you realize how right you want it to be next time…

      • tia

        I agree with you. Im a single full fime divorced mommy…

      • Brandi Strausbaugh

        Agreed Captain!!

  • Shelby

    I just read this as my husband was getting ready for work (ok, skimmed this) and got up and gave him a 15 second kiss off to work. He left with a smile and now I have a smile. Made a rushed morning way better. This is something I am going to try, especially since we just had a baby and I am not feeling very close to him, I think this will do wonders!

    • April Anderson

      i feel i can relate to u on this. our intimacy has been slim since im 8 months preg n then got to deal w/ postpartum.. but id def like to try this!

  • nicole daniel

    Another way is a thing called love dare, by the christian based movie called fireproof that comes with the love dare book. I promose it is great

    • Mari

      My husband and I just watched that movie on netflix the other night. It was an awesome movie with a great message. At one point or other during the movie, we both had tears in our eyes.

  • Sashi

    Hmm my problem is that every time my husband and I share an intimate moment like hugging or kissing it automatically means we’re going to have sex and that’s not always what I want! It would be nice to be able to just kiss or just cuddle without it having to lead to something else. Am I alone here?

    • Stacy

      you are SO not alone!

    • Bree Addison

      Maybe give it a try and see if you can remove the “automatic” sex notion that is currently attached to kissing. Maybe make it clear that you want to increase the intimacy but you don’t want it to always mean sex is on the table. And perhaps daily extended kissing will have an overflow benefit of increasing your desire for sex as well, which is never a bad thing! It’s only bad if one person is always wanting it but left hanging because of disinterest by the other partner. That said, I agree that cuddling, kissing, and intimacy without sex are just as important as getting busy itself :)

    • sarah

      Sashi, when you aren’t in the moment talk to your husband about it. That you Love his kisses and cuddles but they hold a whole distinct pleasure for your other than strictly sexual. Have a conversation about it and as long as your sex life is healthy he’ll enjoy those moments too for all that they are.

    • Matthew Hogan

      As a Temperament Counselor (AKA Creation Therapist) I deal with the God created differences in people. I agree that you talk to your hubby about this. You may be able to square it away on your own. Some people just assume that a good kiss must mean more. Others, well are wired that way. But either way, a good talk between the two of you can’t hurt.

    • empathetic

      I just wrote something similar in response to @Aching’s comment above. I’ve tried talking to my husband about it but even if he does understand, I still have this aversion to kissingnow because I get anxiety about it having to lead to sex regardless of whether that’s where he’s going with it or not. (Although he has also admitted whether or not that was his intention going into the kiss, whenever we miss more than a peck, it always leads to him at least WANTING sex).

      • Eanderson801

        You should feel GREAT that your “simple kiss” after all the years you’ve been married, is the “ticket” for him. You should be ecstatic that your 15 sec kiss still has the power to entice him the way it does. Ask yourself this question when was the last time 15 sec of anything my husband does still get me in the mood?

    • needstobesaid

      Sometimes, you just need to clarify what exactly your intentions are. They can’t read your mind. I know it’s not super romantic, but if you just want to cuddle, or just kiss, then say so. If you change your mind and want more, then tell him. My husband has asked me to do that for him so that he doesn’t get disappointed when I want to make out with him but don’t want to do anything more. lol. We used to have that problem. I’m kind of crazy about my husband, and I touch him and kiss him constantly, but that doesn’t mean that I always feel like going through the whole routine. It’s so much easier just to tell each other what we want. That way nobody’s feelings get hurt and nobody feels neglected or disappointed. It works great so far!

    • Barnes

      Perfect solution Sashi: if you want to have sex, nibble on his ear, grab his junk, smack his ass, etc. Set it up first as the sign you want to do it. Tell him that without that sign he doesn’t even try. He won’t be pissed. He will look forward to the act of the sign as much as the sex. If that doesn’t work and he still tries to have sex without the sign, tell him to grow up, he’s not 16 anymore and you’re his wife, not a floozy. Good luck.

  • penny rosen

    This is a wonderful article, I read that a 20 second hug is very healing, also words from the heart that encourage………. Such as…..” I love you and I always will.” Daily. The best marriage principle I learned is where they both are thinking of the other persons needs and comfort first.

  • Lisa S

    We will be celebrating 25 years of marriage May 2, and the first thing my husband has done everyday before he leaves for work, and when he returns home is kiss me. It hasn’t always been easy or with out problems.

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  • Eliza

    Me and my husband have been married for five years. When we were dating, we would make out for hours! We loved it! After we were married, cut wasn’t as exciting, and for a few years haven’t done much if the long kissing. We have had three kids in the last five years, and I found our intimacy was suffering. I never felt like kissing him, because I knew it would lead to sex, and I never felt like having sex! I missed the connection we had when we were dating, so I was going to try and get it back. For the last several months I have made a conscious effort to be more intimate with my husband. And while, at the beginning, it seemed like a chore, and something for the last four years I haven’t cared to do, now it is exciting, energizing, and has put the spark back into our marriage. I have thought about sex as something that is to satisfy my husband, which is probably another reason I hated it. I know that he needs it, that is how he feels loved. Once I was able to change my thinking, I am now able to see intimacy in a different way and as a tool to bring us closer. Now, I enjoy intimacy-
    Something for a few years I thought I would never say again!

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  • Strained

    This is an excellent exercise for marriages that are already mostly-to-fully healthy – it’s something I can imagine would act as a great reminder of the intimacy shared and created in the wonderful bonds of a good marriage.
    However, I think it’s important to note that a partner in the midst of a marriage that is suffering or faltering may not respond positively. It may act as a reminder of promises unfulfilled, harm done, love not-given. Just a thought.

    • jen

      My hubby and i just bicker a lot. I think this will just help remind us of the friendship that lies underneath all the frustration.

  • jen

    I should probably go buy a pack of chapstiFrm the store huh? We kiss all the time, but not like we used to. I dont think ill tell him. I know him well enough i know he wont try stopping me lol.

  • electricalstorm

    I want an unplanned, unforced, not knowing what it will lead to kiss. Something you both want without the intent of fulfilling a “rule”. This just seems like another chore or something to check off the list. If an unforced, unplanned kiss does happen-then perhaps try the “15 rule” if it feels right.

  • Hot Mama of 7

    Totally going to try this!! I’ll get back on the result. We aren’t at all distant, but truly stresses do mound. Physical connection is vital to us all, weather it’s a touch on a cheek, holding of a hand, or a 15sec kiss. We are only as close as we value one another’s needs, and hold one another’s heart aches, and rejoice in one another’s joys. It’s sounds great to set the world aside for 15seconds of kissing!

  • Happilyeverafter

    I just texted my hubby that I was thinking about kissing him with a long, luscious kiss. I got a favorable reply…can’t wait for him to come home! :)

    • Happilyeverafter

      Just thought I would add…been married for 32 yrs. with 6 kids and going strong.

  • Pleading for strong marriages

    I am a 43 year old widow (9 years tomorrow) and would give anything to be able to try this experiment with my husband. Please, please, please don’t let anything get in the way of your kissing! You never know when it might the last time in this life you get to do it. (LOVE this website. I am excited to share it with others to encourage them to strengthen their marriage as mine is temporarily “on hold”.)

  • Kortney

    My husband and I tried it but I was on the receiving end. He didn’t tell me. He didn’t even try to French kiss me either! He just put his mouth in a kissy face on mine and wouldn’t let me go. I was laughing but then we tried it for real. I loved this advice and the fact that he jokingly tried something to bring us closer together. Now that I’ve seen this post it makes it even better!

  • Mike and Jan

    I shared this with my husband last night and was excited to try it, but he was not feeling well and fell asleep. When he woke up the next morning he said, ” Sorry we didn’t get to do the 15 minute kiss” LOL! I said, ” Oh, Honey, it’s 15 seconds!” We both got a good laugh out of that one.Tonight we gave it a try…….we both decided that 15 seconds was not long enough. So, we are going with the 15 minute kiss! Married 31 years and loving it!

  • Lesley Ann Tideswell

    Oh dear my husband and I have been married for almost 25 years and neither of us is much into kissing. I’ve never particularly enjoyed it to be honest. Pecks on the cheek and quick kisses on the lips are quite enough for the both of us. I’m sure if I tried a 15 second kiss I’d be in a fit of giggles within 5 seconds. As for French kissing – forget it!

  • Rose

    We have always kissed for a lengthy amount of time each morning and night whenever my husband is home (military for over a decade). Kisses are very special, even 11 years into marriage… And I’m sure they always will be!! :) We tease each other that we will be the old couple still making people puke from how kissy we are. :)

  • Kel Bel Bradley

    I haven’t tried the 15 second kiss, BUT, I can tell you that I agree wholeheartedly with the meaning behind what it represents. I was married for 14 years to the same man– he was never a marathon kisser, but after the first year or so of marriage, his pattern changed from passionate kissing, to “pecking” and then very selectively– i attributed it to the birth of our son, distractions at work, stress- you name it, I gave him the benefit of the doubt– well, that little phrase about kissing being intimate, it’s the truth– after 14 years of marriage, and dwindling “kissing” habits, I found the answer to my questions as to why– two years after we married, he began having affairs, and during the times he had affairs, the kissing waned, seriously, then he would break it off with someone, and come back to me (unbeknownst to me) and kissing would pick up a bit– once I found out what was going on, I can look back (hind sight is 20/20) and see the times when our intimacy was breached and now I understand WHY– it is TRUE, a kiss is truly a guage of the health of your relationship– wishing everyone lots of meaningful kisses — : )

  • Rosse

    This article was hard for me to read also. My husband has big hangups about kissing. We have never kissed intimately. He feels so inadequate. It has become a strong hold in his mind. I long to connect with him through intimate kissing. I feel that I have so much passion locked up inside of me. It is so painful at times, not to be able to express my love to him in this way. At times I feel so rejected… but I know he is not really rejecting me. Still it hurts. We love each other deeply and our relationship is good, but I feel that this issue has plagued us all our married life and is limiting our intimacy. It also affects our sexually intimacy.

  • tamtam

    Oh my gosh, reading the comments made me realize that people are crazy

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  • VanAus

    I cannot believe how such a simple suggestion of a fifteen second kiss turned into, well such crap as RAPE. If y’all don’t want to give it a try then for your sake DON’T. But turning this into Dear Abby baloney is rediculous.

  • biffbop

    If you want to have sex with your husband, do it. If you dont, dont. I for one know mine would be so upset if he thought I was pretending or doing anything I didnt enjoy. This attitude of ‘keep ur head down and please ur husband no matter how u feel’ is absolute bullshit. You are worth just as much, ur happiness and comfort are just as important. Anyone who truly loves you will see that and would not dream of pressuring you.

  • Wendy

    Any recommendations for helping someone learn how to be a better kisser who thinks he kisses perfectly fine and doesn’t like suggestions to the contrary? We’ve been married 34 years.

    • tpop

      I think the best way to help him is to tell him. Maybe show him how you like to be kissed. Let him know what you don’t like about his kissing style. My wife are going through something similar that i just posted about. I always thought I was a good kisser. I’ve been given compliments by other women in the past, but I guess everyone likes different things. He might kiss just fine, but your style may just be different. I don’t see any reason why he wouldn’t want to tweak his style to please you. It may sting his pride a little, but hopefully he will get over it quickly.

  • Joy

    This is so sweet! I love to kiss my husband! He has the best lips and he smells so good. It’s the most delightful part of our day! After reading other responses though, I thought I would add in that for us, it doesn’t always lead to sex. For awhile there I thought he was only kissing me for sex and any gentle attention was also for sex. The problem was me. I’d had a hysterectomy and my sex drive disappeared completely! It was awful. He felt bad and I felt bad too. It took us talking at length and having to rediscover what worked and what didn’t. But once I felt secure in it being ok to not want sex sometimes (and hubby felt secure in the knowledge that I DO find him sexy and attractive!), the kissing came back. Honestly after 17 years, we are more in love than ever. And oh those wonderful kisses!

  • Edward LaHaie

    I’m game to try the “15 Second” challenge… back in 2012 I came up with a new years resolution to give my wife Cheryl 2,012 kisses in 2012… it broke down to about 6 kisses a day for 365 days of the year… we accomplished the task and did it again in 2013… and now, 2014… I dont’ see it ever ending… I look forward to my 6 kisses… now, let’s see if we can do 6 kisses times 15 seconds each…

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  • Wooooow, I just stumbled on this today, we’ll have to give it a try with my wife and see how good it gets, thanks guys and of course, will get back to you with how it was.

  • Dahlia Kensington

    Bless all you men who want to have this in your marriages! I am the romantic in my marriage and, well, I don’t know how this is going to go over…my husband isn’t a “kisser”……Never was with me although I hear stories of how he use to chase the little girls around and try to kiss them when he was like 5…My husband has been away since 4/20 for training in a new job so hopefully he has some kisses stored up for me. :)

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  • MoonTron

    My girlfriend and I were having trouble saying good bye for the night. We always do. We find that we laugh and smile even more when we know we can’t get away from each other. So I usually say good bye after we are done kissing. I find myself lost in her. When were done kissing we notice 15 to 25 minutes have gone by and we are still in each others arms smiling about how high we feel! We agreed to not hang out before work because we would end up calling in late or not showing up at all!

    I know what it feels like to kiss someone for more than 15 seconds, its like you really see them for the first time.

  • mark

    Too bad for me. My wife sometimes don’t kiss me in a day. And even if we kiss, its just a smack kiss. I always get depressed ang tried to talk to her about that but still the same. Sometimes I told to myself that I gave up, not our marriage but the thought of kissing or making love with her everyday.

    • tpop

      Hi Mark,
      Sorry to hear that. Maybe you can email this article to her or print it out for her to read and ask her if she will give it a try. Let her know how you feel about it and that it is important to you. My wife and I struggle in this area too, but it has improved since I emailed this article to her. We have talked about it more and we both have a better understanding of what we feel about it. We still don’t kiss as much as I would like, but it has improved.

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  • Meredith

    Some of these comments truly surprise me….this is a Christian based blog for relationships to improve based on making Christ a focus in your life. I don’t think its fair to leave comments saying negative/hateful things about the content, Christianity or the Bible. I think it’s great advice for all married couples no matter what their actual faith or beliefs. But maybe a few of these people should look a little deeper into the “About Us” section and unfollow if they’re offended by its religious content instead of making ugly comments…..

    On another note, I found this kissing experiment very intriguing and I’m excited to try it with my Husband <3 @Janet Marsalisi-I really enjoyed reading your post : )

  • nikki

    I used to hate being intimate with my husband. In fact, he/it actually disgusted me but I knew it was not good for our marriage for me to be intimate with resentment nor refuse altogether. So…I began to pray that God would make me like/desire him/sex/kissing. Guess what? It worked! Not immediately of course, but I consistently prayed daily and after a couple weeks we had a great physical relationship. :)

  • vicky

    i am going to try this. like the author stated, before marriage we kissed alot more but after 26 years of marriage, kissing is one of those things we don’t think about anymore. sad but true…

  • Ladywildalice

    Hi….gotta agree with this one. I am a widow now, but was with my husband 35 years, 34 of which we were married. He was the most absolute best kisser I had ever kissed, and he taught me how to pucker up and put some Ooommph behind it. LOL. I feel so sad for people who dread sex, resist kissing because it might lead to sex. Intimacy with another person is a gift you can’t get any where else, and truthfully who would want to. Sexual connectivity holds 2 souls together. It is so big a part of a successful, fulfilling and lifelong relationship. There wasn’t a day that went by when there wasn’t plenty of kissing, plenty of “I love you’s” and all the other lovely things that followed after. I was blessed, and kissing started the whole thing.

  • Derek

    This is a great idea. I would just caution people who are not married against kissing until they are actually husband and wife. After all, if kissing is sexual (and I sure hope we can all agree it is), and if sexual acts are reserved to be only done within the confines of a lifelong commitment in marriage (c.f. The Word of God), then logically, kissing is therefore reserved to be reserved for within its proper context.

    Until you stand before God and witnesses at that altar, you are merely brother and sister in Christ. Once you cross that threshold, have at it.

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  • Molly

    I’m sure you’ve heard this already but the picture of the couple at the top are the perfect couple for this article. Nikki and Jordan Gibbons are VERY in love and VERY focused on having a Godly Marriage.

  • Anonymous

    My husband has Aspergers and hates kissing. There is no way he would do this.
    Ever. This is not the solution for us no matter how much I might wish it was.

  • I am in love with this idea. Thanks so much for posting it. I have been trying to kiss my husband longer instead of the quick pecks.

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  • Loving My Preggo Wife

    My wife made me read the article before she had to go out for a manicure. We tried the “experiment”, and our 15 seconds lasted 52 seconds #iphonestopwatch . We then had to rearrange her plans a bit for that morning! Thanks for the stimulus! ?

  • treebeck

    OH YEAH! That was FUN! We are going to do it again!

  • Gil

    Sadly my wife is tactilely defensive and does not like any physical contact so 15 second kiss is way off. Heck I would even just take a 15 second hug. We have been married 25 years and have 4 children but I do miss the physical intimacy. Thank you Ryan and Selena. I continue to follow Fierce Marriage and try daily to keep the love alive!

  • T

    Wonder if he got this from Jim Burns. He talks about this is his books and marriage conferences

  • Bridget

    My husband and I at first called it an awkward turtle kiss .. But once wew’re there in the moment giggling giddy, we remember why we’re high school sweethearts.

  • Rebecca R

    I tried it. My (now ex-) husband thought it was silly. He agreed to try, but never really wanted to be that close. Didn’t work, even though I kept trying for about 3 months. You both have to want intimacy.

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  • Lake Wylie Counseling

    I am a therapist and I read something like this sometime while in school and I give this exercise to all of my couples that seek my help! Most enjoy the exercise!

  • Guest

    I showed this to my long term girlfriend and the only thing she said was “Shhh. we’re fine.”
    I struggle to kiss her more than a second before she pulls away, I do everything I can for her and be as romantic as possible, she takes everything and yet does nothing back.. last time we had any sexual interaction was late November last year, and since then its been our Anniversary! valentines day coming up, card, breakfast in bed and some roses and chocolates… I might get a card I don’t know.. I’m starting to feel so alone even when with her.

  • Lawrance

    I showed this to my long term girlfriend and the only thing she said was “Shhh. we’re fine.”

    I struggle to kiss her more than a second before she pulls away, I do everything I can for her and be as romantic as possible, she takes everything and yet does nothing back.. last time we had any sexual interaction was late November last year, and since then its been our Anniversary! valentines day coming up, card, breakfast in bed and some roses and chocolates… I might get a card I don’t know.. I’m starting to feel so alone even when with her.

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  • John

    I tried it with my wife and it lasted about 5 days and I always had to initiate it. I stopped doing it to see if she would initiate it or even remember to do it but she didn’t not. I guess it does not work for everyone. She says she loves me but kissing and me trying to seduce her by kissing her neck etc seems silly and possibly even creepy. I live my wife but not being able to live here romantically really sucks.

  • John

    I love my wife but not being able to love her romantically really sucks.

  • Patricia

    im going to try this experiment however when my husband and i are close we do kiss for a long time, i never timed it but it is long and very passionate.

  • Leticia Shafer

    Love this!

  • Statalyzer

    I’m surprised this is such a big deal. I mean, different people have different love languages, I know, but it’s hard to imagine (short of suffering some really serious emotional wounds through repeated abuse) why this wouldn’t already be the case. So, I’m trying to gain understanding here, but it’s a bit tough when it’s like I just read an article explaining that we should eat a few meals each day and go to bed at night and wake up in the morning. Well … yeah.

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