• Recommended resource:
  • thenewsisgood.com

Selena: Let’s peel this back. Like why do you value that? Why do you dream of doing that? Or why would you change that about your life? I think there’s just a lot there. And what a blessing to be able to ask your spouse that.

Ryan: Interesting people that I think would be intriguing to talk to. Of course people like C.S. Lewis come to mind because he’s obviously very prolific.

Selena: It’s so telling, you know, what comes out of us. And so what have we been consuming? Have we been in the scriptures? Have we been consistently gathering in fellowship and worship with God’s people and have we been in prayer together? The answers I don’t know that they should surprise us. I think they can definitely be fun but they can also be, like we said, peeling back some of the layers that maybe have solidified in like your daily life of marriage.

Ryan: Cancer feels like it’s always kind of lingering somewhere.

Selena: I know.

Ryan: Now, here’s maybe a question that would take you deeper in marriage relationship. What you do with that fear? Does it cripple you?

Selena: Or as a believer, are you surrendered to God’s will and are you resting in the goodness? No one leaves here alive. We all have to face death. That can be a scary thing. I think we’re wrestling with that more and more. It’s a very telling thing to like, what is your perspective on death?

Ryan: If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

[00:01:17]

Selena: Okay, we met when we were in high school. We were teenagers. I know this is not the story for everyone. And it’s becoming more rare from what I understand to meet your spouse when you’re young. What a gift. But also there are couples that don’t meet when they’re teenagers, don’t meet when they’re young people, but they’re out there kind of searching.

Ryan: I was actually lamenting with a friend. I was like, “I’m so glad that I’m not part of this dating scene. I don’t know if I would survive if I’m like out in the wild, say I’m in my 20s and still…”

Selena: In the wild.

Ryan: It’s like 2025 still and now you go backward. Well, I’m saying like you’re trying to meet somebody and you don’t have any prospects. That would be really hard. A lot of people are dealing with that issue now. We’re not talking about singleness and dating on this podcast. We are talking about marriage. But something came through, came across my desk, my desk, my social feeds. So someone’s claiming there’s this magical group of questions you can ask somebody-

Selena: Yeah, it’s a list of questions.

Ryan: And they’re scientifically proven, which science and magic, I don’t know, maybe they go hand in hand.

Selena: Science belongs to the Lord.

Ryan: Amen. I’m using the term ‘magical’ here because there’s this property to these questions that if you were to ask somebody they say that they will, with 90% probability, make you fall in love with each other.

So we thought it’d be a fun activity to go through these together. And not just to go through them and to create content, but if you’re in a marriage, and you probably are watching or listening to the Fierce Marriage Podcast, you may be wondering, how can we rekindle things? How can we make things interesting? So often we get into those ruts where we are relegated to the most baseline conversations. Like, what’s the schedule for today? What’s for dinner? Who’s picking up the kids? Like very life kind of surface-y type stuff. It’s necessary stuff, but sometimes you have to find those opportunities to go deeper together.

Selena: Well, because I think that enlivens the day-to-day. It can.

Ryan: And it reminds you, right? If you’ve been married for a number of years, these things will remind you of the person you married. And so we’re going to go through these questions. Our hope for you is that you will maybe grab one or two of them, or even take the whole list. We’re going to put the list of these questions in the show notes for this episode. We’re going to do a part two next week as well, because there’s 28 of these questions we’re going to go through. And we’ll start doing that on the other side.

[00:03:51]

Ryan: Welcome to the Fierce Marriage Podcast. Thank you for joining us. As we’ve said before, we’ll say it again. Our whole mission here is to point couples to Christ, to be that one voice in your ear or on your screen once a week for 30 to 40 minutes, reminding you that marriage matters. It’s worth fighting for. There are ways that God has given us to love one another that are biblically based. And when we do those things faithfully, we can expect that they will bear fruit in our lives. And when we pursue marriage, which God calls good, it will bear good fruit in our lives. So we’re here to remind you of that.

My name is Ryan. If you’re not aware, this is my lovely wife, Selena. We are the Fredericks and it’s our joy to do this. Much of our ministry is supported by our partners. So if you’ve partaken of this ministry for a while and you feel called, we would be honored to partner with you, to lock arms with you by way of our Fierce Fellowship. All that is is our Patreon community. Just go to fiercemarriage.com/partner. There’s monthly updates in there. There’s some bonuses and things, free books, rings, all that kind of stuff. But really it’s all about the mission and being on mission with people like you. We’d love it if you would pray about that.

So as a reminder, Selena, why are we going through these questions? What’s the whole point?

Selena: Well, if you’re a married couple or you’re considering marriage, but mostly if you’re a married couple and things maybe feel a bit cold, bit dry, I don’t know, you’re just kind of feeling like, yeah, we’re good, but we’re not great, maybe some of these questions could spark some laughter. They could spark some introspective thoughts and moments of pause. Maybe even some conversations that need to be had. It could uncover some things that, oh wow, I didn’t really realize I was slipping into that behavior or that type of communication. Oh yeah. Maybe I did have some of these desires when we were first married and now I don’t. Why is that? Or maybe we’ve just grown. So I think there’s some good questions.

We have not gone through these with a fine-tooth comb. So you’re going to get some of the candid answers, which will be very telling for all of you. We lay ourselves on the altar of this. May the Lord be glorified in it all.

Ryan: Yeah. Yeah. These aren’t pre-rehearsed or canned answers. So here we go. It’ll also give you a window into the Frederick’s for better or worse. All right, Selena, I’ll ask one question, you’ll ask the next question.

Selena: Okay.

Ryan: But we can both answer each question if that makes sense.

Selena: Okay.

Ryan: All right. So here’s the first one. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Selena: We were both assuming this is dead or alive person.

Ryan: Well, this is anyone in the world. I think let’s say Jesus. Let’s just get Jesus out on the table. I’d love to-

Selena: First pick.

Ryan: But you know, I’m going to meet Jesus. So let’s to keep it interesting. Not that that’s not interesting.

Selena: Here we go.

Ryan: Don’t judge us.

Selena: Here we go. That was my first answer, by the way.

Ryan: So you can invite two people. Jesus, and who else? And what would you make for dinner?

Selena: Oh gosh. Gosh, that depends on the person. Do you already have someone in mind? It has to be a real person, right? It’s not a fictional, like all these people… I’m thinking of are people in books that I’ve read, and I’m like, “Oh no, they’re not real.” Like characters in stories that I just love so much. And I have to remind myself they’re not real.

Ryan: Gosh, there’s so many interesting people that I think would be intriguing to talk to. Of course, people like C.S. Lewis come to mind because he’s obviously a very prolific author.

Selena: Abraham Lincoln. He’s always been… I mean, we studied him this last year in our little co-op and our history. To be that man and to deal with the things that he dealt with and to lead the charge on some things like…

Ryan: And to see what actually happened around the Civil War would be really interesting.

Selena: Yeah. There were some pictures that were actual pictures and it’s so humanizing, you know? You see them for…

Ryan: And a lot of history has unfolded since then that I think is still kind of being… people are critical of it. I’m not going to go there, but that would be interesting. Yes. I thought of G.K. Chesterton. Or even like, if you want to go real far back, some of the apostolic fathers like Irenaeus or even Augustine, which he’s not an apostolic father. But those guys. I think language would be a barrier though, in those cases.

Selena: One of us has got to be able to speak in like…

Ryan: Yeah. So, anyway, as far as what we’d make for dinner, my go-to is the tri-tip. Tri-tip Sous vide, finish it on the Traeger. Pretty sure Jesus and Chesterton would be good fan of that.

Selena: Pretty sure.

Ryan: Pretty sure. All right, next question.

Selena: Would you like to be famous? In what way?

Ryan: Oh boy.

Selena: We had two different answers on this.

Ryan: Define famous.

Selena: I said ‘no’. And that was my first and fast answer. And I was confident in it. And then you were…

Ryan: I don’t envy people who are famous.

Selena: No.

Ryan: I think they live lives that are in some ways unnatural because everybody’s got their eyes on you. Don’t want that. I want to live my life locally.

Selena: Sacrifice, yeah.

Ryan: With that being said, I would love it if the gospel goes far and wide and if the Lord sees fit to use Fierce Marriage, books we write, things like that. If that’s what you mean by famous, okay, well, I want to be fruitful.

Selena: ‘Fruitful’ is a better word.

Ryan: So I’d like to think that if we’re putting stuff out there, that it’s getting out there.

Selena: Right. And it’s multiplying and bearing fruit.

Ryan: Yeah. It’s not just going into the ether and dying a slow, painful death of toil. So yeah, I think that if you frame ‘famous’ in that way, I’d say, yeah, I think it would be better than not. However, you got to be careful with that because that can overemphasize certain things that maybe cause an imbalanced life, imbalanced view of love, things like that, who you’re caring for, and where your focus is. So there you go.

Third question. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you were going to say and why?

Selena: What was your off-the-cuff answer? I think you already know mine.

Ryan: Never.

Selena: You never rehearse it?

Ryan: Nope. Do you?

Selena: Even if it’s going to be a tough conversation?

Ryan: I think through the main points of what I want to cover.

Selena: Okay.

Ryan: Rehearsing is like starting the conversation in your head, wording it and then getting on the phone and saying some words.

Selena: I think you naturally have the ability to kind of come in gently where I’m just like coming in hot and I got to like be aware of how I come in. Like walking in the door of the conversation.

Ryan: Like for high-stakes calls you would need to have a rehearsed-

Selena: I would just want to make sure that, yeah, I know the points I want to talk about, how I want to talk about them and then, you know, how I’m going to enter the conversation and hope that the other person was already like had an idea of what, first of all, like backup. Why do I have to make a telephone call? Well, it’s usually because there’s some sort of conflict or tension or something that I need clarification about that can’t happen in a voice message or a text.

Ryan: If it’s a phone call, it better be like a five alarm emergency.

Selena: Right.

Ryan: What kind of sociopath phone calls these days?

Selena: Because our parents used to be on the phone all the time. That’s just how they communicated. But times have changed. So the expectation for phone calls is a different place.

Ryan: I’m thinking very meta right now. What’s the point of these questions? I’m thinking like, okay, so if a couple is getting to know each other, this will tell you something about how that person approaches difficult situations, how they approach interpersonal communication.

Selena: What they value, especially with which dinner guests are you going to bring over?

Ryan: Right.

Selena: Because you could choose so many for different reasons.

Ryan: Right. So if you’re meeting somebody and you’re like, who are you going to have over for dinner, and they’re like, Britney Spears or Taylor Swift or something-

Selena: Don’t even mention them on this podcast, please.

Ryan: Or they’re like, you know, I’d really love to meet, I don’t know, some…

Selena: Well, there was somebody, you know, I’m-

Ryan: Joseph Smith. I don’t know.

Selena: Like some curious. I mean not dark, but like, you know, these enemies that started like we world wars and stuff that are evil. It’s like, you have them over and just like, what were you thinking? Like, who are you? Why was this like…

Ryan: You’re thinking they might do that just for the straight intrigue of it?

Selena: Yeah. And would that tell you what they value? I don’t know. Then that promotes many other questions.

Ryan: I wonder about this wife I married.

Selena: You know that I love history. That’s always been a thing.

Ryan: Okay. Question number four. Go ahead.

Selena: What would constitute a perfect day for you? You tell me mine. I bet I could tell you yours, maybe.

Ryan: Perfect day for you?

Selena: Yeah.

Ryan: Oh goodness. I would make you crepes in the morning.

Selena: Yes.

Ryan: My crepes are delicious.

Selena: They are. Every single girl in this house.

Ryan: It would take forever to make. And then we would do something fun with the family. And then I would take you and drop you off at a thrift store and/or bookstore.

Selena: What kind of bookstore?

Ryan: Used bookstore.

Selena: Yes.

Ryan: And then afterwards I would take you out to a nice seafood dinner. I don’t know how it ends.

Selena: Oh, you don’t?

Ryan: Oh, it ends with a happy dance for sure. No, that’s your ideal day.

Selena: Yeah. I think your ideal day is baking eggs and toast.

Ryan: I mean, all the bacon and eggs.

Selena: Coffee. It would be a sunny, warm day. So we’d go out on the boat immediately after, or we’d have breakfast on the boat, or we would have stayed the night to wake up to have coffee on the water.

Ryan: I want all those things but on the… we have a little like ski boat.

Selena: It’s such a small.. yes. So small and fun.

Ryan: That’s the best. And then exploring the water. You’re supposed to tell me what my idea was.

Selena: You’d explore the water and somehow we would get all the exploring. Your heart would be full. We would head back and all of our friends would be at home, steaks would be on the grill. Pipes would be out. Whiskey would be in cups and we would have a fire going into the night, and you’d be talking about theology and all the things, doctrine and culture. And you’d make s’mores and you’d enjoy your children. And you’d be like, this is heaven. All of our kids and family and friends are here. That would be your perfect day. Am I right?

Ryan: You forgot two things.

Selena: What? Baseball game?

Ryan: No, there would be a nap.

Selena: Sorry, a nap. And then there would be the happy dance.

Ryan: There’d be sweet, sweet lovemaking.

Selena: Why do you say that on there? You can’t say that. Oh my.

Ryan: Hey, by the way, if you’re dating, you shouldn’t say those things.

Selena: But this is a marriage podcast.

Ryan: And we’ve got grown adults listening and they know how it is. You gotta make it do. All right. Fifth question.

Selena: When did you last sing to yourself or to someone else? I would say this morning. You probably… I think you’re always singing stuff.

Ryan: Yeah. I was singing to Sunny just the other day trying to get her to sing along.

Selena: Yeah.

Ryan: We are a singing family. Sidebar, family worship makes us all singers. And so no one is self-conscious about their voice. Now I do get made fun of a little bit because our girls are really trained. Like because they’re part of the choir, they can find harmonies and stuff. I can carry a tune, but like I can’t find harmonies even if I try. It’s really pathetic.

Selena: I think I was singing to Sunny or singing with the girls. We do value worship. We value music in our home. And so it definitely smooths out the sharp edges of most of us if we’re playing some godly music, even some feel-good music for having fun during the day when our hearts get a little crusty with each other. I don’t know that I sing to myself that often. I think I whistle to myself a lot.

Ryan: I think Les Mis, the Broadway musical is an extra piece, right? The book, by the way, if you get a chance to read Les Mis by Victor Hugo, there’s a certain translation that I like most, but it’s like the Broadway musical times 10. So I’ll sing some of those songs in the shower if I feel like trying to get my Valjean on.

Selena: And you know, it’s a good day, right?

Ryan: Yeah.

Selena: I think this type of question for a married couple, if you’re grouchy, if you’re cold towards one another, if you’re having a rough time and you’ve been feeling really distant, like this type of question is like, I don’t remember the last time I sang and kind of like… it can either like open the door and warm, start a fire of warmth, or it can just be like next question and move on.

We see the potential here. Okay, people, we’re not ignorant to like… These could either work or not work.

Ryan: Well, they’re going to do something.

Selena: They’re going to do something. And that’s the goal too, is to like, let’s get moving a little bit.

Ryan: So this one’s a little bit more intense.

Selena: Which one? Number six?

Ryan: Number six. I’ll ask you. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Selena: We’re saying the mind or body of a 30-year-old. Oh. The body.

Ryan: This one is such a no-brainer, right? I don’t want my 30-year-old mind.

Selena: That’s what I was thinking. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I was silly Selena.

Ryan: I was just posting yesterday, like, man, I’m glad I grew out of my 30s. You mature and you grow in wisdom and you-

Selena: You’re trying to get that 30-year-old body back?

Ryan: But the 30-year-old metabolism would be nice, and the ability to lift those gains.

Selena: More easily.

Ryan: But I don’t know if the question is saying that you stopped learning or that you had the sharpness of a 30-year-old.

Selena: That’s a good question.

Ryan: I wasn’t all that sharp at 30.

Selena: God is gracious in our lives.

Ryan: I didn’t now as much. I don’t know.

Selena: We thought we knew as much, but we actually didn’t.

Ryan: So without knowing that I’m going to say 30-year-old body. But the mind is part of the body. So I’m just saying like, it’s going to stay healthy too because you got your 30-year-old body.

Selena: But do I have my 42-year-old wisdom experience?

Ryan: That’ll come. This one is easy. We nailed it. Okay.

Number seven. Oh, do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Selena: No.

Ryan: Oh, this is sad.

Selena: I don’t. I don’t want to know. It’s either instant or a longer journey.

Ryan: A hunch. That’s a funny thing to say. Now, I have a bum ticker. So my hunch is it’s going to be something around that, which is why my wife made a doctor’s appointment for me. Thank you.

Selena: Everything’s good. You haven’t been to the doctor in a while. We need to have a physical and be an adult.

Ryan: If you don’t know our story, buy the book, Fierce Marriage. FierceMarriageBook.com. We tell the story about my heart issues and how that was a huge part of our marriage early on. I would suspect something like that. You know, cancer feels like it’s always kind of lingering somewhere.

Selena: I know. Yeah.

Ryan: Now, here’s maybe a question that would take you deeper in your marriage or relationship is what do you do with that fear or that hunch? Does it cripple you?

Selena: Yeah. Or as a believer, are you surrendered to God’s will? And are you resting in the goodness of this terrible diagnosis, right?

Ryan: Yeah.

Selena: No one leaves here alive. We all have to face death. That can be a scary thing. I think we’re wrestling with that more and more. It’s a very telling thing to like, what is your perspective on death?

Ryan: Yeah. When Jesus is in the belly of the boat and the disciples head out to see, Jesus knew a storm was coming. It’s not like these storms crept in into sea of Galilee.

Selena: He actually went to sleep.

Ryan: He went to sleep. It’s like when the storm hit they forgot who he was, they forgot what He said, they forgot who they were as His disciples. And he came out, he basically just, you know-

Selena: Reoriented them and commanded.

Ryan: He said, “Sea, be quiet. Why are you of such little faith? Have you already forgotten who I am?” And so I think in those storms like that, that’s really telling about where our heart is. Are we going to cling to Christ or are we going to abandon Christ and try to find hope somewhere else? He’s gracious and He doesn’t leave us in the boat by ourselves. He doesn’t throw us over the side, but He does rebuke us because He wants our hearts to trust Him. So things like this can cause us to trust Him or run from Him. And I think that’s very telling.

Selena: And He disciplines those He loves, right? And so a correction, a rebuke, a discipline is a loving thing from our heavenly father. Number seven? Nope. Eight. Nope.

Ryan: Okay. Yeah. Eight.

Selena: Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

Ryan: Oh, well, we love Jesus. That’s the first one.

Selena: We have four daughters.

Ryan: I’m picturing this question being asked between two people that don’t hardly know each other.

Selena: Right. Well, but this is for married couples or newly married couples. Maybe there’s some things that aren’t just obvious and don’t just have a default answer.

Ryan: It’s like we’ve been building a life together for over 20 years. So we have a lot of stuff in common.

Selena: Yeah. I remember a time though we liked the boat together. And I remember we’ve had fights though, where I’m like, well, but I want to have our family like can ride horses together, but we always do what you want because you like the boat, right?

Ryan: She likes the boat too.

Selena: First world problem, first of all. Okay? So I’m ashamed of that. But we can enjoy the good things of the Lord unto His glory for the time that he’s given us. And we share them with our blessings with others. However, where was that heart? Where was that coming from? A place of bitterness. I think I want to have things in common with you, but sometimes I have felt like, well, I’ll just give this up in order to appease the family. And it’s like, no. I feel like that can be a trick of the enemy.

Ryan: You’re way, way more thoughtful than I am. I’m just like, we like to laugh together.

Selena: I think too hard. This is one thing we don’t have in common. He thinks clearly, I think hard. But he’s the head.

Ryan: We love Jesus. We want to follow Him.

Selena: We love The Office.

Ryan: We like to laugh together. You’re adventurous now. That was one of the main reasons we even got together. It was we love to have fun and we love to do new things.

Selena: And I laughed at you, all your jokes, huh?

Ryan: Yeah. Oh, and I laughed at you. You make me laugh harder than anyone just today. You surprise me all the time. But one of our very first dates was… there’s a place in Seattle called Gasworks Park. What movie is that in? 10 Things I Hate About You.

Selena: Yeah.

Ryan: That’s technically that story takes place in Tacoma, our hometown but that scene is in Seattle. Our first date, I’m driving a stick shift. I went to go left across the traffic and stalled out and guy on a Harley Davidson was barreling toward me. And he must’ve thought I was going to keep going, but I couldn’t like get it going. And so he squealed out and fishtailed and he was livid. Like he thought I would just be an idiot. It was an accident, maybe a dumb one because I wasn’t that good at driving the stick at that point. I think the girl in the passenger seat made me nervous. Anyway, he got out and cussed me out.

Selena: Yeah. I thought he was going to pull you through the window. I was like, “Oh, I don’t know what I’m going to do here.”

Ryan: And here we are having an adventure and then we were like… we got out of that predicament. Then we went to the park and then we brought clothes to go swimming in, but then we got embroiled in a Blackberry fight, me and you. Remember that?

Selena: Oh yeah. I won.

Ryan: And then we changed into our swim clothes to be dry.

Selena: That was a fun day.

Ryan: But anyway, long answer, I’d say we like to have fun adventures and Jesus. Number nine, we’re gonna do five more of these and then we’ll call an episode. Now, again, as you’re listening to this, think of questions you could ask each other. It’s not just the Ryan and Selena show. But really think about one thing you take home and ask your wife or your husband.

Selena: Right.

Ryan: For what in your life do you feel most grateful? Number nine.

Selena: Well, I mean, outside of the grace of God on my life, within that, not outside, but within His goodness and grace and saving me, I would say I am most grateful for you and our children and our community. I think our family and community. I count family and community because it’s kind of one and the same but-

Ryan: I’d say the exact same thing. Now, it’s funny how in life, what do you tend to be most grateful for? It’s not usually a material thing. Right. Like, I’m most grateful for my iPhone.

Selena: Yeah, we don’t say that.

Ryan: Or I’m most grateful for — we’ve talked about the boat — the boat. Right?

Selena: But if somebody was trying to show off a little or like, you know, ironically, that would be such a turnoff.

Ryan: I’m really grateful for my six-figure a year job, whatever the flex would be. I’m really grateful that I could bench three fifteen.

Selena: Says the girl. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding.

Ryan: That would be telling.

Selena: That would be telling.

Ryan: I don’t want to marry a woman that can throw me across the room.

Selena: Okay. But again, none of those things I think are bad. We’re just joking that if you met a perfect stranger and that’s the thing they decided to kind of put on the table, it’s like, okay, well, okay.

Ryan: But the funny thing is the questions are couched in the idea that they’ll make you fall in love with each other. It’s not like it’ll reveal something. It’s like they will make you fall in love.

Selena: It’s like the science. She even says in the video, they’re like, be careful who you ask them to.

Ryan: Somebody in the comments was like, if I ask myself the questions, will I fall in love with myself?

Selena: Comments are so telling and funny.

Ryan: Oh yeah. Gotta love the Instagram comments. Question number 10.

Selena: Did you answer this? You did. We have the same things that were-

Ryan: Yeah.

Selena: Okay.

Ryan: Yeah. So number 10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? Oh, I wish that I had grown up… Now, my parents raised me Christian, but I would say in the later part of that, it was pretty nominal. I wish my dad would have given me more of his doctrinal wisdom. I had very little of that, and I can name all sorts of reasons. I don’t want to throw my parents under the bus, but I really wish-

Selena: You value that a lot right now. That’s what you’re saying. And you’re excited to give that. Not that you didn’t value. I think we just didn’t know.

Ryan: Right. And I maybe have been trained at a younger age to know and understand some of this stuff. And I wish I would have read more as a kid, I’ll say. I didn’t read a lot as a kid. I played a lot.

Selena: Says the son of an English teacher. I hope she’s not listening to this one.

Ryan: No, I didn’t. I didn’t read a lot. I read what I had to. But then I played-

Selena: You had good answers in English class. That’s when I was like, “Oh, he’s smart. Look at you.” With the Lord just working in you.

Ryan: I’m good at BSing.

Selena: Oh my goodness. Okay. If I could change anything about the way I was raised, you know, I think about this in like 20-year-old Selena and I’m like, man, I wish I would have had more money here. I wish my parents wouldn’t have divorced. Or I wish like, you know, I could have been better at sports or something like that. But it’s like all of those experiences contributed to the person that I am today. And it’s all by God’s grace. It’s all by his goodness. It’s all by his sovereignty.

And so if I could change anything, I don’t know that I would. I think the one thing I might change is not being so naive. I realized I was very sheltered and very naive to a lot of things going on around me that I look back and think, “Oh, got it. Wish I would have known that and not acted like such an idiot girl. Right. Like so dumb. I’m not picking up on cues, I think on certain-

Ryan: Maybe I wouldn’t have been able to get you if you were-

Selena: I know. That’s what I’m saying. Here’s the catch. Here’s the catch.

Ryan: You know, you’re so wise. I’ve often lamented those things too. And what you said is truly my heart too. It’s like, who are we to say that our upbringing wasn’t exactly what was necessary for God to be glorified in a maximal way. You know, I’m just saying, I don’t know the answer to that. Just who are we to say, like change any one thing. What’s that? There’s the concept of the butterfly effect.

Selena: Right. Right.

Ryan: One thing changes and all of a sudden our kids don’t exist. And like, I don’t want that. I love my kids, you know. I love our life, you know? So interesting question.

Selena: Yeah. Very grateful for all of the situations that the Lord has allowed us to walk through.

Ryan: Yeah. Number 11. Go.

Selena: Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. Well, we don’t have time for that.

Ryan: I’m going to start. Suddenly, I was awake.

Selena: No, there’s a place in… There’s some book opens up with that “I was born” and… there’s a couple of books. Anyways. That’s a fun one. I think if it’s been a while.

Ryan: That’s where you fall in love with each other, right? Because you begin to actually see the person.

Selena: Little baby Ryan. Little baby Ryan. Two of our kids look like you.

Ryan: Our third is like wider version of her, but all the same features.

Selena: I have big eyes.

Ryan: I feel like as a kid you did. You are Louisa.

Selena: Okay.

Ryan: Like 40 years removed.

Selena: Look like or act like. Okay. We’re done now.

Ryan: You act like a bratty five.

Selena: That’s terrible.

Ryan: She’s not a brat.

Selena: No.

Ryan: She’s amazing. I love her so much. All right. Number 12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? Flight.

Selena: You finished the question and I’m like, you would fly.

Ryan: Yeah. That’d be pretty awesome.

Selena: I’m surprised you wouldn’t want to like breathe underwater so you could go like-

Ryan: Overflying? I mean.

Selena: How high can you fly? Out of the atmosphere. Out of the atmosphere? Like Superman. You could breathe in galaxies.

Ryan: If I had to qualify, I would… I would. Yes. Okay. But there’s nothing out there. I’m not going to like fly…

Selena: You know that.

Ryan: The next galaxy over. It would take too much time. Unless I can fly really, really, really fast. Amended. Fast flight. Okay-

Selena: Galaxy jumpable.

Ryan: I mean, are we talking superpowers or are we talking like…

Selena: Yeah. Sure.

Ryan: Let’s maybe take it down to human powers.

Selena: Quality or ability?

Ryan: Since you-

Selena: Ability? I mean, if we’re just talking personal and having fun, I would love to have the ability to ride horses, jump a big Grand Prix course, and not fall off and not be scared out of my wits. Like, just be able to do that like tomorrow because I think that would be so fun. I love watching horses jump. It’s superhuman for me because I don’t think I’ll ever pursue that, but I used to watch it a lot and it was really… it’s just really unique and fun to watch. But I would love to do that not being terrified or unable.

Ryan: I think I would love to do just one beautiful, perfect cartwheel.

Selena: Yeah. Doing flips would be awesome. Would love to do flips and not hurt, not fall.

Ryan: Yeah. Okay. Abilities. Again, I don’t know if it’s superhuman or whatever, but I would love to have the high end of the human ability to remember things.

Selena: That’s a good one.

Ryan: You know what I mean?

Selena: Yeah.

Ryan: Because I don’t-

Selena: Like vividly in detail and how you felt.

Ryan: Photographic memory would be awesome.

Selena: I have a little bit of that.

Ryan: I do not. Because some people remember stuff. They’re like, I wish I could not remember stuff. Again, who are we to say?

Selena: Is there quality?

Ryan: I thought that was the quality.

Selena: Oh, quality or ability. I’m thinking quality like I could be extra, like the most patient person in the world, or something.

Ryan: I think I’d like wisdom. I’d like to be wise.

Selena: Grace on you

Ryan: Just saying. It’s the part where she could have picked up. You have been tried, and you have been found wanting.

Selena: Oh my goodness. Okay.

Ryan: Patience is wise as well. So I mean, I’ll give you that.

Selena: It’s a fruit of the Spirit.

Ryan: It’s true. Fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom. So there you go. Better.

Selena: That’s it.

Ryan: A wise person would not say that thing. Okay.

Selena: [inaudible 00:32:17]

Ryan: They don’t have this quality yet.

Selena: Okay, number 13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

Ryan: Well, I would take that crystal ball and throw it across the room.

Selena: Smash it.

Ryan: I don’t do divination. Thank you very much, Deuteronomy 18.

Selena: Smash it. Number 14.

Ryan: Unless it’s one of those balls from Lord of the Rings. It’s like a fancy iPhone. It’s like FaceTime Lord of the Rings style.

Selena: Nope. We don’t do Divination. Smash 13. 14.

Ryan: Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

Selena: Fine. Because you can’t do it. Just kidding. What?

Ryan: You know that you know it’s a first spot for me.

Selena: Maybe that’s… no, I haven’t done it. No. Dreamed of doing for a long time.

Ryan: Kite surfing.

Selena: Okay.

Ryan: That’s what I wanna try. And I’ve dreamed of doing it because I love to wakeboard, and I love flying kites.

Selena: Okay.

Ryan: And surfing is amazing. But I don’t surf because it’s too hard. It takes so much patience. I’ve tried it. So I think kite surfing would be awesome.

Selena: Kite surfing is the way to go, huh?

Ryan: Yeah.

Selena: Okay.

Ryan: And you see those dudes doing flips and turns and stuff. Yeah.

Selena: Gosh. Something I’ve dreamed of doing for a long time and haven’t done it. Ridden a gallop to horse on a beach.

Ryan: Well, horses coming up in this conversation.

Selena: I’m sorry. But I did that when I was probably 11 or 12. I went out with this barn that I was riding. It was a beach trip, and it was so much fun. And I have never experienced that again. We galloped so fast, so hard.

Ryan: We could both have our wish together.

Selena: Yes. Okay.

Ryan: I could kite surf alongside you.

Selena: Galloping.

Ryan: Galloping on the beach.

Selena: As long as the horse doesn’t forget about it.

Ryan: I’m gonna start the savings account for that right now. That was it.

Selena: Last question. I thought you said 15.

Ryan: No. We’re gonna do 14 because there’s 28 questions. We’ll do the last 14 next week. So even with that theme, okay, so as we’ve gone through these questions, I think on at least three, even maybe four of those questions, Selena had something to do with horses. Now, I’m not surprised by that because I’ve known you for 25, 30 years now. We have done horses together.

Selena: We like horses. We like water. We like adventures together.

Ryan: But if you’re getting to know somebody, then that would be pretty elucidating. You would immediately start to endear yourself to them.

Selena: Or be like, “I’m not gonna hang out with this horse crazy person. I’ve seen horse people.”

Ryan: Yeah. And if you didn’t know those things and you’re married, then, like, hey, what an awesome activity to learn some of this stuff. So, anyway, these questions are fun. If nothing else, they’re just conversation starters for you and your marriage to maybe sharpen each other to, I don’t know, spark the flame.

Selena: Well, and I think there’s it’s so telling, you know, what comes out of us. What have we been consuming? Have we been in the scriptures? Have we been consistently gathering in fellowship and worship with God’s people? And have we been in prayer together? The answers I don’t know if they should surprise us. I think they can definitely be fun, but they can also be, like we said, like, peeling back some of the layers that maybe have solidified in your daily life of marriage. It’s like, well, let’s peel this back. Like, why do you value that? Why do you dream of doing that? Or why would you change that about your life?

I think there’s just a lot there. And what a blessing to be able to ask your spouse that, somebody that should know you the best, and love you the most. I don’t know. I can see why the questions are valuable. I don’t know that scientifically I would put my weight in them and be like, okay. I’m gonna take it to this guy over here. If I was single, not married and being like, hey, you wanna have coffee? I got like 28 questions for you.

Ryan: Desperate.

Selena: There’s a beginning. I mean, there might be some guy that’s like, yep, I’m here for it.

Ryan: I would just say find that guy in your church and then have at it. Find somebody. Because we always talk about this, and this will be the end, if you don’t have the same definition of gravity, you’re always gonna be fighting against gravity. What is gravity? It’s your view of reality itself. Is it governed by you? Are you seeking out your truth, or are you seeking out the truth, namely the personal work of Jesus Christ?

Selena: Amen.

Ryan: So great segue. We want you to know the truth. We are Christians because we believe with our whole hearts, with our very souls, that Jesus Christ alone is the way, the truth, and the life. That apart from Him, there is no hope for salvation. Yes. There’s no hope for peace with God. Apart from Him, God is forever unreachable. And no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard we strive, no matter how hard of a good husband, father, friend I try to be, it will never be good enough to satisfy the wrath of God because of my sin.

And so God doesn’t leave us in our sin. He gave us his own Son as a sacrifice to pay the price for that sin. And then His Son didn’t stay dead. He rose from the grave to life that we might be raised to new life by placing our faith in Him. We die to our flesh. We’re raised in the spirit into new life both here and now spiritually, but also in the age to come. Right? That is the promise of the gospel. We always like to proclaim that because we’re trusting that it’s falling on soft soil.

That could be you. If it is you and you feel the Lord calling you, we encourage you to visit this website, thenewsisgood.com. Of course, that news is the good news of the gospel. There’s a church finder there. That’s through Ligonier. And as far as I’m aware, that will lead you to a good Bible preaching church in your area that will then lead you in a Christian community so that you can begin to learn what it means to be a Christian, to place your faith in Christ. We want that for you, and we hope that you would go to that website to that end.

Let’s pray. Father in heaven, thank you for these questions, how fun they are. It’s a common grace that you’ve given us that we can communicate to each other, that we can reveal parts of our very souls to each other through the words that we think and process and the thoughts that we have, and then how we then say them to each other.

And questions like these can help mine out those true or those things in our hearts and those ideas that have yet to be expressed. So I pray that these questions would not just be entertaining or just kind of flipping fun, but rather they would be a tool in the hands of the couples who are watching this or listening to this, that they might sharpen their marriage, that they might rekindle their affections for one another, Lord, to the ultimate end that they would glorify you. It’s in your son’s name we pray. Amen.

Selena: Amen.

Ryan: Amen. All right. So we’re gonna do the second half of this. We hope this has been fun. I’ve had fun. I feel like I’m learning a few things about the wife of my youth here.

Selena: Oh, that’s good.

Ryan: Maybe I should-

Selena: I’ve learned nothing, actually. I learned a lot.

Ryan: I’m an open book. So we’re gonna tackle the last 14 of these questions. So you’re gonna wanna stick around for that. These questions are gonna be in the show notes. So go to fiercemarriage.com. This will be one of the later episodes. If you’re listening to this after it’s posted, you can just search for magical marital questions on there, and it’ll probably come up. We trust you’ll be able to find those because you’re smart, resourceful people. All right.

So with that said, this episode of the Fierce Marriage podcast is—

Selena: In the can.

Ryan: We’ll see you again in about seven days, Lord willing. So until next time—

Selena: Stay fierce.