Podcast, Sex & Intimacy

Intimacy Without Frustration, Obligation, or Missed Expectations

Many couples wonder how to gain agreement about sex and intimacy when life is busy, schedules are hectic, and expectations for sex seem constantly misaligned.

If you’re at all like Selena and me, you and your spouse probably don’t desire sex the same way or with the same frequency. This can cause frustration in your marriage that, if left untreated or undiscussed, can turn into bitterness, division, and worse. Sex isn’t everything in marriage, but it is very important to be unified and satisfied in your sex life together—for your enjoyment and for God’s ultimate glory.

In today’s episode of The Fierce Marriage Podcast, we’ll discuss:

  • What if my husband/wife wants sex more than I do?
  • How can we be intimate without feeling obligated to do so?

Our second episode is officially live on iTunes (and the Android podcast app of your choice).

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Mentioned in Today’s Show:

Show Notes:

Intimacy Without Frustration, Obligation, or Missed Expectations

  • We’re thankful for your listenership. We spent a few days counted among the top 10 podcasts of our category (Christianity, Kids & Family). Thank you!
  • Ryan and Selena shared their highs and lows of the week.
  • Two listeners asked:
    • What if my husband/wife wants sex more than I do?
    • How can we be intimate without feeling obligated to do so?
  • We read 1 Corinthians 7:5:
    “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
  • A few cautions when reading the above passage:
    • It’s not a tool to be used to demand sex in marriage.
    • In context, this verse is about acting in mutual agreement to the common goal of greater intimacy and reliance on Christ.
    • By choosing to abstain from sex for a time, to focus on spiritual growth. This is not a form of asceticism, but rather a method of grace-fueled worship.
  • If a couple is not actively agreeing to abstain from sex, they’re passively (or actively) agreeing to NOT abstain from sex. If that’s the case, your sex life should look “normal and healthy” for you, but it may take some digging to discover what that means. We proposed two steps:
    • Clearly define what “not abstaining” looks like and what a healthy, normal sex life looks like in your marriage.
    • Calibrate your expectations for sex. Read our post, “The Spectrum of Sex”.
  • Couples Challenge:
    1. Read The Spectrum of Sex together or separately.
    2. Discuss your expectations for sex, and what your spectrum might look like.
    3. Identify what a normal, healthy sex life looks like for your marriage and within God’s design for sexuality.
    4. Create an action plan for building a normal, healthy sex life together.
  • We discussed our partnership with Datebox. Get a FREE box by using our link to sign up. (This deal will expire very soon, FYI.)
  • Ryan answered Selena’s Rapid-Fire Q&A. Many laughs were had…
  • We read a letter from a wife to her husband. It was super sweet and encouraging.
  • We discussed The 31-Day Pursuit Challenge. You should do it; it will change your marriage.
  • We closed in prayer.
  • Ask any question, leave us a voicemail, or write a letter to your spouse.

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More questions?

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This week’s episode is brought to you by DateBox

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(Also, they’re actual friends of ours who have been incredibly supportive of Fierce Marriage from day one. Show them some love. In doing so, you’ll be supporting us!)

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  • C S

    Dishonesty (from my husband), especially regarding deliberately hidden sin about his promiscuity & the disgusting things he has done as well as his fabricated lies regarding it, has destroyed my marriage, and myself. I am at a loss & need all of the prayer I can get. Seven months ago I found out that my husband lied about so many things that would have been a deal breaker for me, and I am still beyond devastated. He still refuses to be fully transparent and honest regarding the truth of the countless things he lied about & I cannot move forward with our foundation built on deceit & betrayal. I’ve been in therapy since, have gone on antidepressants & antianxiety meds, & had a serious suicide attempt that failed when my oldest son (we have three kids) entered the room. I had every intention of pulling that trigger & truly wish I would have. And now, because of that, I can no longer see my therapist due to Military OneSource restrictions. I can’t get past it. I love him so much, but am so hurt, disgusted, angry… literally anything & everything else I can possibly feel. I don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk to. No one cares. I don’t want to live like this anymore, it consumes me.
    This has destroyed me completely as a wife, mother, and person in general. The last thing I want is to be sexual with him, it makes me feel dirty and used.

    • N.O.

      Hi, please do not destroy your children by ending your life. Please seek counseling. Even if you move forward in your life without your husband, you need to seek counseling. Prescriptions are a band-aid on the problem. They are to be used simultaneously with counseling. All hope is not lost. My God is a God of second chances and restoration. That can be for you as an individual and possibly for your marriage. Do not let Satan destroy you, and your children.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Don’t give up. God has a way of making broken things into something new and beautiful. Hang in there.
      – Psalm 55:22
      – Psalm 55:16-17
      – Romans 8:26