November 21, 2023

What if I No Longer Find My Wife Attractive? And, C.S. Lewis on the Habit of Love

ONE Thought (from us)

It’s the question many have but never get a solid answer: What if I no longer find my wife/husband attractive? The answer is actually quite simple: start finding her/him attractive again! The problem is, we don’t like that answer. It grates against our flesh and makes us the arbiters of our feelings instead of their passive recipients. But God calls his people to “take every thought captive”, to “guard your heart with all vigilance”, and that “the heart is deceitful above all else”. This includes feelings of attraction toward one’s spouse. Here are three truths that should help you if you’re struggling to feel attracted to your wife/husband:

  1. You can choose what/who to find attractive;
  2. You can make your spouse your tangible, objective standard of attraction;
  3. Your feelings don’t change the truth of the goodness of your marriage, they only supplement what is inherently good

Much more can be said on this topic (like, questioning the very notion of attraction and feelings in marriage), which is why we did a whole podcast episode on it! We hope you’ll check it out, listen, and perhaps send it along to a friend.

“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.”
(2 Corinthians 10:5)

ONE Quote (from another)

“Love…is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself.”
– C.S. Lewis

ONE Question (for you)

What do you find most attractive about your spouse? Make a list of five things and send it to her/him in a message right now; you may make their day!

Note: We talked about this topic in this week’s podcast episode. Be sure to watch or listen to get the full discussion.

Much love and stay fierce!

Ryan & Selena Frederick
Founders of Fierce Marriage