Commitment, Sex & Intimacy, Videos, Vlog

Video: Maintaining a Healthy Sex Life After We’ve Had Kids

There is quite a learning curve when you get married. Lots to learn, lots to figure out. Sooner or later, kids arrive on the scene and everything changes, so you have to start re-learning how to maintain a healthy marriage in new, wonderful ways.

One of the biggest challenges most couples face (and we’ve gotten this question quite a bit) is how to maintain a healthy sex life after they’ve had kids. In the video above, we discuss exactly that! Below is a very quick summary of what we covered in the video. I definitely encourage you to watch the full video if you can so you don’t miss anything.

How to maintain intimacy after having kids

The biblical model for romance, intimacy, and pursuit that we see in Song of Solomon is extraordinary. The entire book illustrates an ongoing “chase” that happens between lovers that is mutual and full of passion. This verse encapsulates the theme of entire book very well:

“Draw me after you, let us run…”

Song of Solomon 1:4

As we discuss intimacy, it’s important to understand what it means to pursue your spouse and be pursued by them. It’s an ongoing push-and-pull that happens between a husband and a wife that keeps you close and moves you toward one another. As we cover the “methods” below, they’re all in the greater context that sex has in your marriage: to edify, satisfy, and strengthen your relationship. If sex is the ultimate end, it will leave you unsatisfied no matter how hard you try. If it’s a means to the greater end of knowing each other more intimately, you’ll find the act of sex immensely rewarding and worth fighting for.

1: Discuss and agree on frequency and “types” of sex

Sometimes sex is intense and drawn out, other times it’s functional and fast. Both “formats” are acceptable and appropriate. However, if you can both agree on what that means for you, it will help you avoid frustration and potential hurt by defining expectations. We have an entire blog post dedicated to this subject called “The Spectrum of Sex“. Check it out!

Frequency is also good to discuss. How many times per week should you be having sex? What amount keeps you healthy as a couple and emotionally connected to one another? For us, it’s 2-3 times per week. What works for you? The right answer is the one you come up with together. Discuss it openly and work together with your target in mind.

2: Be creative and intentional about “intimacy opportunities”

Get creative and don’t be afraid to plan for intimacy. For us, we try to use nap/sleep times wisely. Also, joint showers are great if the opportunity presents itself. Sometimes we allow our daughter to watch cartoons (no scathing emails about screen time please!) as a special treat so we can… “have some special time”.

Other weeks we have to plan for time together when we know we’ll be alone and not totally exhausted. Saturday mornings are great (kid distraction: cartoons) or afternoons (kid distraction: nap) are usually times we set aside for intimacy. Other times we let grandparents take our daughter out for dinner, etc. so we can have a “stay at home date night”. No one knows your life as well as you, so be creative and find opportunities that work best.

3: Understand the bigger purpose of sex in your marriage

We’ve found that when we keep the purpose of sex in view, it helps us understand why its worth fighting for. Sex is something to be enjoyed along the journey of your marriage, it’s not a worthy end in itself. As we said in the video, the destination is never sex. Sex is a bonus along the way to your final destination: knowing your spouse. That single understanding has helped us a ton by removing some of the pressure we both feel around the topic – especially when we’re struggling to find a healthy balance.

What works for you?

We’re all learning about parenting and marriage as we go. I hope we’ve helped you skip some of the mistakes we’ve made in this area as young parents. Keep pursuing each other!

Have you found any “tricks” for maintaining a healthy sex life after having kids?

Please share in the comments below!

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  • Jes & Jeri Seekins

    Thanks for the post you guys. I appreciate your openness and honesty on this topic which can be a little……..tense sometimes. It is important to have conversations with each other. What we have seen in our marriage is that sexual needs are dynamic and ebb and flow as seasons change. What used to work might not work as well anymore and what works now might not work as well in a year or so. As you said being intentional about pursueing my wife is important and her pursuing me and allowing herself to be pursued is equally important.

    Thanks for taking the time to post.
    we enjoy your posts.

    • Thanks for sharing, and you’re very welcome for the vid/post. You’re absolutely right: in marriage, each person must both pursue and allow themselves to be pursued. The pursuit itself is ever-changing and evolving, but the person pursued by each spouse never changes.

    • Warriorpoetsociety

      Love this. Great work guys!

  • Emily Frohriep

    Do you have any suggestions for keeping the sexual intimacy alive throughout pregnancy? I’m at the tail end (32 weeks) of our first pregnancy and it has been something we have struggled with for about the last 8 weeks or so.

  • We have 3 kids and have learned ways of getting in time for us. We plan ahead, using naptimes and weekend mornings often. During the week, we make sure to send a special emoticon that we both know means it’s on our minds and we want to have some time for lovin’ that night.

    It’s refreshing to hear other couples discuss it, as most women I’m friends with say they don’t have those discussions. We do regularly, as life changes and time is tight at times. We both get grumpy if we’ve waited too long in between, and it causes strain between us. I definitely think planning ahead a bit and waking up a little early to shower and be together are super important to stay close and connected like that.