February 5, 2024

Who Should Initiate Intimacy Most? The Truth About Marital Sex, and Thomas Hooker

ONE Thought (from us)

Who should be the one to initiate sex in marriage? The quick answer is, both of you! But, it’s our conviction that the husband should be the primary initiator of intimacy in marriage. For many, this may be a surprise… and the fact that it is, says much about our culture and how Christians, perhaps, have forgotten the truth about sex.

Here are three important truths about sex that must govern how we think about it (and how we think about the role of the initiator of it):

  1. Sex is not just physical, it’s covenant renewal. Every time you and your spouse have sex, you’re saying to one another: I’m still yours, and you’re still mine… just like we were on our wedding day.
  2. Sex is good because God made it good. God could have made any way for humans to procreate. But He designed sex the way He saw best. We must see sex the way God sees it: good, right, and holy in marriage.
  3. It’s not wrong to want sex and it’s not wrong to go to one’s wife/husband for it. Creating a healthy culture around how you approach one another to initiate sex is of vital importance for a healthy marriage.

You may still be wondering, Why should the husband initiate sex most? For that, we’ll point you to this week’s podcast episode for the full picture. Fair warning: if you start the episode, we ask that you finish it (and next week’s) to get the full picture.

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
(Hebrews 13:4)

ONE Quote (from another)

“The man whose heart is endeared to the woman he loves, he dreams of her in the night, hath her in his eye and apprehension when he awakes, museth on her as he sits at table, walks with her when he travels and parlies with her in each place where he comes.”
– Thomas Hooker

ONE Question (for you)

Consider your intimate life with your spouse. Who primarily initiates and how does that person do it? Another thing worth considering is why that person initiates (covenant renewal, or purely because of physical desire?). For a discussion on that, we’ll again direct you to this week’s episode.

Note: The ideas expressed in this newsletter are based on a chapter of our book, See-Through Marriage. We also covered it in this week’s podcast episode! We encourage you to give it a listen or a watch!

Until next week, be blessed and stay fierce!

Ryan & Selena Frederick
Founders of Fierce Marriage