Communication, Podcast

What if my spouse OVER communicates?

person sitting in a chair in front of a man

Is it possible to OVER communicate? Apparently, it is. Watch to see what that could mean for your marriage!

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Transcript Shownotes

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Scripture, Show Notes, and Resources Mentioned

  • Referenced scripture:
    • Proverbs 19:10, 13:2
    • Proverbs 17:27
    • Ecclesiastes 10:12-14
    • Colossians 4:6

Full Episode Transcript

Selena: So we got a really good question from one of you guys about overcommunication in marriage. Can you actually talk too much? Or as we’ve been doing some research and reading, you can actually… like more communication, more talking doesn’t always equal a reconciliation. It doesn’t always mean that things will work out.

So we’re going to kind of check that out, see if too much talking just leads to frustration or it usually leads to one of us withdrawing. So where does it come from? Why does somebody just feel the need to just da da da da all the time? And how do we know if we’re an over communicator? How do we know if our spouse is and are not just being annoying? And then what do we do with it? [Ryan chuckles] What do we do with it? We all have annoying moments. Let’s just be honest. So we are going to talk about that on the other side.


Selena: I never annoy Ryan. He is always annoying to me. [both chuckles] I’m just kidding. I was gonna say, he’s always annoyed by me.

Ryan: There it is. There it is. There you have it. That’s the hot take, folks.

Selena: There it is.

Ryan: Over-communication. You said someone is just like, da da da. It reminds me… So when we were in Switzerland—this is gonna sound crazy—there was a lady… If you don’t know our story, excuse me, we were in Switzerland right after we graduated from college. We got married in college.

Selena: This is like 15 years ago.

Ryan: 15 years ago. And I got put in the hospital. I was really sick. Buy the book Fierce Marriage if you don’t know that story. I’ll make you pay for it. [both chuckles] I’m just kidding. I had a heart thing and it almost killed me.

And I was in the hospital and I was sharing a room with an elderly man. His wife would come in and… That just reminded me of that wife because just da da da da. It was a Swiss German. So it was this kind of… If you know what Swiss German sounds like you know what I’m talking about. But it’s got kind of a swing to it. And she just would not stop talking for hours.

Selena: Just da da da da da da. And I’m just sitting there.

Ryan: And I was literally losing my mind.

Selena: Well, her husband too was just like-

Ryan: Oh ya, oh yo, oh ya.

Selena: Oh ya, oh yo.

Ryan: It’s all he would say, which is he’s obviously agreeing. He’s just kind of like being a good husband or whatever. [Selena chuckles]

Selena: It didn’t seem being a good husband.

Ryan: There’s another type of overcommunication, though. It’s where you divulge too many unnecessary details. Right?

Selena: Sure.

Ryan: Where if you ask somebody, “Hey, how’s your day?” and all sudden they launch into a whole diatribe about how traffic… every step of the traffic journey that they took and every little detail, minute detail of their interactions with people, they’re not reading the room in that moment. I didn’t ask about every detail of your day. I don’t need your life story. What I need to know is how are you doing as a person. That’s what I need to know.

Selena: Sometimes people… they tell all that to illustrate how they’re actually doing. But we’re gonna talk about that.

Ryan: And what they’re revealing is that they’re lonely. [laughs]

Selena: Maybe.

Ryan: Just being-

Selena: The Lord asked us to love lonely people and to be kind to them and patient.

Ryan: So we’ve been on this communication.-

Selena: How do you deal with it? [laughs]

Ryan: That’s good. Thank you for that. We’re on this communication theme in our lives and therefore-

Selena: In our lives. [both laughs]

Ryan: On the channel, on the podcast. So this is gonna be another step in that journey. We’ve talked about engaging a spouse who is disengaged. We’ve talked about – what is it? Miscommunication. Ways to avoid miscommunication. What if you have one who’s a talker, one who’s not a talker? How do you bridge these various gaps in communication? Well, in this case, you need little bit of communication space. If one’s a talker, one’s not, there’s a gap.

Selena: And it’s more than just a talker, which we’ll define in a little bit. But in case you don’t know who we are, this is my husband Ryan. I’m Selena Frederick. We are the fierce people behind fierce everything. [chuckles]

Ryan: One day we’ll figure out exactly what we are.

Selena: We are the faces, the voices behind Fierce Marriage, Fierce Families, Fierce Parenting. So if you want to partner with us, you love what we do, you want to support and get behind the message and lock arms with us, you can go to

If you could subscribe, rate, like, review, share, you know, whatever it is that everybody’s doing to say that you like something [Ryan laughs] and it’s good and everybody else should listen to it too, do that for us. That helps us out a lot.

Ryan: I will say we’ve had a new influx of patrons over the last few weeks. I can’t tell you how encouraging that is to us.

Selena: Praise the Lord! Yes.

Ryan: You said this before, but our patrons are the reason that we’re still here. We sell books, that’s kind of the bread and butter, but books don’t always sell on their own. And there’s a huge kind of amount of complexity that goes around getting those books out to the market. And our patrons are kind of like that bedrock of this ministry. So thank you. You’re putting hope in our hearts and food on our table. [chuckles] Hope in our hearts and food in our bellies.

Selena: Yeah, yeah.

Ryan: I do sincerely mean that. So thank you. And if you do want to partner, like Selena said, go to

Selena: So questions like, “Can we overcommunicate in our marriage? Is it a problem? Why would it even be a problem? Shouldn’t you be able to just kind of be yourself and be free and open with how you talk, when you talk, what you say all the time, right? Can’t we just all be friends and live in that freedom? Well, I don’t think so. I don’t think so. [both chuckles]

Ryan: Because if you overtalk, we’re not gonna be friends.

Selena: We’re not gonna listen. Well, I just… Anyways, we’ll get to that. We’ll get to that.

Ryan: Everybody’s got that person in their life that you want to talk to him, but you don’t want to start a conversation because you don’t know that you have 20 minutes to spend.

Selena: You’re just not sure when it’d gonna end.

Ryan: And you love them. But what if you’re married to that person? [laughs]

Selena: I don’t know that they all of a sudden changed to be like that. I mean, how long into your marriage have we…?

Ryan: So it’s funny?

Selena: Just asking questions here.

Ryan: In a church gathering, we have a dear friend, and we’ll get into conversations, and we’ll be talking, and he knows and his wife knows that he is prone to just continue talking. He’s not rambling because what he’s saying is good and right and true and deep and thoughtful. He just has a lot to say. So his wife will come up and give him a kiss while he’s talking to other men.

Selena: That’s their code.

Ryan: That’s like the kiss of “We’re leaving. With or without your husband-

Selena: “We’re going. It’s time to go.”

Ryan: “…get in the car. We are leaving.” It’s become a bit of a running joke. But I think the point is we all have those folks in our lives that are long-winded. However, that’s different from being maybe an over communicator, where you’re being long-winded, but it’s just-

Selena: It’s from a different place.

Ryan: Yeah, and could be more construed as a waste of time. [chuckles]

Selena: Right. So over communication is to communicate excessively, which feels redundant in itself and a little excessive in itself. I think the important thing is for us to look at why. Why might our spouse or why might me feel the need to overcommunicate? You said this first off when we were talking. Maybe they’re just an unclear communicator, their thoughts are kind of jumbled.

Ryan: This is me. I feel like. I-

Selena: They talk more. So talking more feels as if it’s like clarifying for the overcommunicating spouse. You feel like-

Ryan: I don’t think I overcommunicate. But when I talk, if I’m not careful, I will consistently double back on the things that I’ve said because I forgot that I didn’t qualify it with some other thing.

Selena: Right.

Ryan: So it ends up being this really kind of series of false starts. And I frustrate myself with that. And by God’s grace, I’m learning to be more aware of that. And that’s what I mean by unclear communicator. And you may be long-winded and over-communicating because you don’t really know what you think. That’s what I mean.

Sometimes I don’t really know what I think about something, and so talking about it… It’s a bit of that Michael Scott moment, you know.

Selena: We both were looking at each other like, “I think you’re the over communicator. I think you’re…” It’s kind of funny too.

Ryan: Next one I think is where you came up because it’s anxious. So you’re not an anxious person. And this is why it came up because it makes me anxious when you overcommunicate.

Selena: Well, that’s one of the things is.

Ryan: Because what Selena will do is she will kind of go through her to-do list as a way of expressing to me that she’s busy. This is what you said: that you got a lot to do.

Selena: That I have things to do. And instead, I just need to ask him. But I’m trying to give him an opportunity to be generous and say, “Hey, why don’t I do that for you?” But-

Ryan: I had a perfect test last night because you were at women’s Bible study last night and I was out in the shop doing some work on the weed whacker, because it’s not working. Putting the farm mechanic hat on. And I get a text from you. You had gone with a friend. “Do take care of the chickens. You know, put the…” We have small chickens and big chickens. Put the small ones here, put the big ones here, give them food, water, all kind of stuff, and put the dogs away, and all this kind of stuff.

So all that’s very clear. And yes, I can do A, B, C, D, and E to-do lists. Check it off, done, hero of the night, I win. And then at the end, “It’d be really nice if the dishes were done.”

Selena: I feel like I’m asking a lot. So that’s my thing where I’m like, “I don’t want to like…

Ryan: And I’m like, “What do you really mean it’d be nice if the dishes are done?” [laughs]

Selena: I just needed to add on there, “Do the dishes.” But for some reason I felt like I was asking a lot. And so I just wanted to… if the kids get… I never know how much patience he has for the evening, and so I don’t want to pile it on.

Ryan: You never know.

Selena: I want to let you know that if you have time and you feel strong about it, like please do the dishes.

Ryan: And the reason why that’s a relevant example is because you’ll go around and it’d be like, “Oh, I need to do the chickens I need to do…” And you’re saying it out loud.

Selena: Right. It’s not… Okay, stop for a second. Okay. When we’re saying it comes from a place of anxiety, I’m not an anxious person. Okay. Cyclical communication of every single unnecessary detail or the person may just they obsess and they get hung up on certain details of an unresolved minor issue. Like, did we leave the stove on? You had an example that your dad once he took a rock from like a national park or something.

Ryan: Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

Selena: And he was just obsessing about it because he thought somebody saw him and was gonna turn him in. Well, now everybody’s gonna know. I’m just kidding. Btu they don’t which park-

Ryan: They’ll never know which rock it was. [both laughs] He texted me and called me, “Do you think I’m gonna get in trouble?” I’m like, “Dad, these parks are understaffed. They’re not looking at rocks like this.” No, don’t take rocks-

Selena: Don’t take rocks though. Don’t be like that.

Ryan: …from national parks. If everybody did it, we’d have no parks.

Selena: Okay. So the first reason why a spouse might be an overcommunicator that we talked about is because they’re an unclear communicator, their thoughts are kind of jumbled. They’re doubling back. They don’t have tools to actually talk about what should happen in a certain order. They might be anxious and just kind of obsessive about certain things. Again, there’s tools and ways to overcome this.

Insecure. They might be trying to overcompensate for a lack of knowledge, talking around the subject, and how much you know about the subject, or whatever you’re talking about, but not actually talking to the problem or what it is.

They just may not like silence. It maybe just makes them feel uncomfortable. And so they just kind of got to fill the air with, “Oh, yeah, you know, I went fishing once. It was this, and this, and this.” And they just keeps going and going and then they just don’t stop. So-

Ryan: I think the next one is especially relevant if they’re unaware. So you might be unaware. You simply don’t have a clue that you’re doing it.

Selena: Which is so hard.

Ryan: Which if you’re married to someone like that, then you can be doing them a grace by saying, “Let’s have a talk about talking.”

Selena: “Let me talk to you about talking.”

Ryan: And another one is it’s easy or it’s lazy if they know about it, it’s their tendency, it’s their habit, they’re comfortable talking, they don’t really have a sense of-

Selena: Well, they just don’t care to like-

Ryan: …being able to read the room. And you’re like, “Listen, you’ve been talking too long. It’s time to…”

Selena: Or hey just don’t want to take the time to develop any skills or tools in how to grow in that way. That could really bless their spouse and could bless the Lord. The Bible gives us wisdom in this area. We have Proverbs 19:10, 13:2. A couple of Proverbs here. “When the words are many transgression is not lacking, but whoever restraints his lips is prudent.”

Ryan: Wow. Proverbs 13:2 is, “From the fruit of his mouth a man eats what is good, but the desire of the treacherous is for violence.”

Selena: 13:3, “Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life. He who opens wide his lips comes to run.”

Ryan: “Open to wide his lips…” This is Proverbs 17:27. I think this is relevant especially. “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise.” I’m gonna write that on the wall. I’m gonna get one of those Etsy’s things maybe. “When he closes his lips he is deemed intelligent.”

Selena: I’m going to skip down to Ecclesiastes 10:12-14. The words of a wise man’s mouth win him favor, but the lips of a fool consume him. The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness, and the end of his talk is evil madness. A fool multiplies words, though no man knows what is to be, and who can tell him what will be after him?

Ryan: Here’s some wisdom from Paul. Colossians 4:6. “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Notice how it’s seasoned with salt not, not-

Selena: Not salt.

Ryan: …covered with salt.

Selena: Covered with salt. [chuckles]

Ryan: Yeah. Like our oldest likes to put salt on the eggs in the morning. And if I’m not careful-

Selena: She just put a whole handful on them. Put a whole handful. And then you’re just cranching salt with your eggs.

Ryan: She’s learned that lesson, thankfully. But yeah. I think the theme in Scripture is that words matter. I think that’s clear. We’ve made that clear over the past few episodes. Words are important. They have meaning, they carry meaning. The content of the words is really important, but also the intent behind the words and the quantity of the words.

Selena: Yeah, it can almost be a lack of impulse control, too. You see this in kids a lot. They just kind of blurt out whatever they’re saying or thinking. And instead of kind of developing self-control and asking the Holy Spirit to teach you or to soften your spouse’s heart to maybe exercise and learn self-control in this area, it’s just kind of been ignored.

So no doubt the other spouse who is receiving all of the communication is probably feeling a number of things, which we’ve listed out here. It can be very emotionally draining to a spouse to just hear this constant narration or whatever of what’s happening. And most, if not all of these just lead to silence and lead to withdrawal. So it’s just a fire hose.

Ryan: Well, and because it causes, you know, anxiety, it makes the relationship just feel-

Selena: Strained.

Ryan: Yeah, it just feel strained when there’s not just… It takes away peace, a sense of peace, and that brings on the anxiety. Another… If your spouse is an overcommunicator, you might feel overwhelmed.

Selena: Another way people can feel if they’re just being overrun… because part of being an over communicator, sometimes there’s this kind of aggression that comes with your communication. Like you’re just always intense and all of that. So a spouse can really feel like they’re just being run over all the time. And again, leading to withdraw, to want silence, to want to just get away, to enable and just do whatever it is to get away from the over communication.

Ryan: On that note, we mentioned the article that Zena who used to be our editor wrote for us on the marriage side about how her husband would be waiting to say something… She would ask him a question and he would be thinking. And while he’s thinking she would just fill in the blanks, fill in the gaps. “Oh, you’re probably thinking this, that and the other.” Or “Oh, I know…” That tends to… it removes the ability for you to articulate yourself if someone’s already articulating for you.

Even if you agree with the sentiment of what they’re saying, you’re able to put your own words to it. Yeah, there’s so much wisdom in just waiting for someone to say it how they’re gonna say it.

Selena: And I think being patient and remembering that you love your spouse and you love what they have to say, hopefully, most of the time. But if you don’t give them that time and space, and if you aren’t careful with your words, it can just be this noise all the time. Right? So what do you do if you are the over communicator?

Ryan: I don’t know. What do you do?

Selena: What do you do? [Ryan laughs] How dare you? How dare you?

Ryan: So if you’re the one that’s prone to overcommunicating, it’s this timeless James 1:19 passage, is being slow to speak.

Selena: Quick to listen, quick to love.

Ryan: You filled it in. You articulated the thing I was going to articulate.

Selena: Respond slowly. It’s always good to respond slowly. Be quick to listen, be slow to speak, slow to become angry. Try to see the big picture. So if you are the spouse that is over communicative, [chuckles] and your spouse is saying, “Honey, we need to talk because we can’t do this all for the rest of our lives, don’t see it as personal attack.”

See it as a way, as an opportunity for you to be able to grow, see it as a way for you to be able to love your spouse well, for you to be able to glorify the Lord in this process of learning self-control with our words, and even our actions.

Again, it kind of goes back to that impulse control. Just because you want to express something, it doesn’t mean that your spouse always needs to hear it.

Ryan: Yeah. Not all ideas are of equal merit, right? Even if they’re extreme of consciousness-type ideas, they don’t need necessarily to be articulated. And if words are as important as scripture says, we are compelled to think carefully about the words that we let come out of our mouths. And if we care for the others around us, we’ll be compelled to think very carefully about the words that come out of our mouths.

Selena: Right. And I think as you said something too, it is good to care about your spouse and to care about… Well, I’m picking up on they’re not reading the room well. Like I’m picking up on some of these things. It’s not that you need to acquiesce and please everybody around you. But I think you’re being kind, you’re serving one another, you’re bearing with one another in some ways by zipping it sometimes. [both laughs] You know?

So what are some of the tools that you can… You had an article you want to share that had just three kinds of steps to really… I think they’re really simple to get you started on… Well, it says, three smart ways to keep yourself from rambling.

Ryan: This is more geared toward maybe professional development, individual development. But this author, her name is Leah McLeod. She said this, If you’re having a hard time kind of staying on point… She recommended this conversation framework. And in my research, I’ve quickly realized that it’s a very, very common framework. And there are variations of it. Hers is PRES, P-R-E-S. I’ve seen other ones which is Prep, P-R-E-P. It’s an acronym.

The first one is point. So begin with whatever the key point is. Now, if you’re in conversation with your spouse, you don’t always have to have a four-point presentation.

Selena: But it’s just a mental note to be able to go through. It’s a tool that’s equipping you to have a conversation well.

Ryan: So have that point in mind. Okay. We recently got one of those lilypad things for playing on the lake. You know what I’m talking about. It’s foam… Not the really good-priced one.

Selena: The foam floaty pads.

Ryan: Yeah. And the kids love it because you can stand on it, but it kind of-

Selena: It just wiggles around and sing some-

Ryan: So here’s an example of this point. Here’s the point I’m trying to make. We should get one of those lilypad things. That’s the point. Then R in P-R-E-S is reason. Because the kids would love it. That’s the reason.

Selena: Right.

Ryan: Here’s an example. Do you remember the last time we were at the lake and they were playing on that floaty thing, but it was too small?

Selena: And it wouldn’t stay attached. [laughs]

Ryan: It wouldn’t stay attached to-

Selena: It kept floating away.

Ryan: This isn’t like that. This is better than that. Therefore, summary, which is the S, we should get one of those lilypad things because our kids will love it. Right? And that’s a really clear example. So it’s really kind of silly.

But think about anytime you’re having a conversation, what’s the point of it? Okay, you’re talking to maybe logistics. You don’t necessarily have to pitch your spouse on logistics. But just to find clarity in your stream of thoughts. And then being mindful. Every single word that comes out of your mouth, I think, can be really helpful.

And part of this article as well it mentions that embracing the pause. Stop, gather your thoughts, think of what that point is, and then carefully say it. That’s okay. And that’s good. And you’re doing your spouse’s service in doing that. You’re serving them well by communicating efficiently and clearly. So how do we respond? So we’ve talked about if you are married to-

Selena: What do you do if you are the over communicator-

Ryan: What do you do if you’re the over communicator?

Selena: …and your spouse comes to you?

Ryan: Okay.

Selena: How can you respond to them? But how should the spouse of the overcommunicator respond?

Ryan: Cool.

Selena: So first things first. Determine if this is an actual issue or if you’re just annoyed, right? How do you do this? You go through the reasons why that we listed above. You know, maybe they’ve got some anxiety, maybe they’re just really terrible communicators? So they just circle circle around. So through those and figure out maybe the motivation or the why behind the what. And is it a consistent pattern? Is it how they communicate about everything? I think that’s the key.

Ryan: The second thing you can do to respond to an over communicative spouse, be their helper. This is going to cash in a lot of those deposits that you’ve made. If you’re coming at them and you’ve been married 10 years, and you’re saying, “I have been meaning to tell you somethings. Ever since I’ve known you…” [laughs]

Selena: No. I don’t like that phrase because then it’s partly your fault if you haven’t said anything to me. [chuckles]

Ryan: And in that case, you could as a spouse say, “I hadn’t wanted to bring this up because I was afraid that it would somehow hurt your feelings, or I didn’t know how to say it.”

Selena: “But I can’t deal with it anymore.”[chuckles] Just kidding.

Ryan: “I just can’t deal with it anymore!” So you come alongside them and say, “I want to help you in this because I feel like this is an area where you can grow.” Of course, they would hopefully not respond defensively.

Selena: Well, again, yeah.

Ryan: Remember we talked at the top like it’s not a personal attack.

Selena: See the big picture. This is a way we can grow. Why are we married? We’re married, yes, to enjoy one another, but it’s for God’s glory, and it’s for our own sanctification. So part of being sanctified is, ooh, some of those spots that we don’t like, we don’t want to hear about because we think we’re great in it, we need to be told, we need to be shown. And that is a loving thing to do.

So as the spouse, be a helper to them. How? In your language, in your tone, and in your actions. And by language I mean ask clarifying questions, provide examples of when this has happened. I mean, it could be just every day, but I think examples are helpful to the person who you’re telling them that they have a communication issue. [both laughs] Avoid the “you always never” statements, right?

Ryan: Yes.

Selena: Use “I” statements and go on that journey with them just in how you talk to them. Also your body language. So making eye contact with them, not being on your phone, facing them, maybe even holding their hands and showing them love and consideration, and grace with how you use your body.

Tone. Tone is big.

Ryan: Tone is huge.

Selena: Be full of kindness.

Ryan: Action would be the next piece where you can come alongside them and say, “Okay, well, can I give you a kiss on the cheek when it’s time to go so that you know you’re long winded?”

Selena: It’s true. Sorry, before you go to action, which I think is good, the tone is so big because it will either come across as being accusatory and policing, which is what we’re trying to avoid. Right? We want our tone to be full of kindness, full of grace, full of I too am a sinner saved by grace. Not that over communicate… I do think it’s foolish to have so many words. But is it a sin?

Ryan: It depends on the heart.

Selena: Yeah.

Ryan: So obviously let’s get down to the heart issues. So what goes through your head [Selena laughs] when I asked you a question-

Selena: Why are you doing this? It’s all right to ask those without being combative.

Ryan: I mean, that may be a really helpful thing. It took us this long to get there, but if your spouse is going to one of these kind of, you know, droning on about stuff that you clearly don’t need to know or care about, you just want them to get to the point, you can say, “What is going through your heart right now and in your head? I’m asking you honestly. Do you think I need to know this stuff? Do you care this deeply about what you’re saying that you want to express yourself to me? Not just this idea, but yourself?” Not all ideas deserve equal time and merit and not all words deserve equal airspace.

Selena: Well, and the overcommunicator-

Ryan: And that’s okay to emphasize that or at least bring that up in those moments and say, “Okay, in your heart, you are expressing this to this degree. Why?” “Well, I guess it’s because I feel like when I do that, you see me as competent, that I know this much about everything.”

Selena: And that takes some vulnerability and some maturity. But the person also who is the over communicator can also pause and get curious about, “How did I even get to this point?” Whoever the spouse is asking like, why do you feel the need to communicate all of these things?

Ryan: As a kid I never had a voice and now that I am married, you’re trapped and you can’t leave and you don’t have a voice.

Selena: All the time.

Ryan: We’re joking but it’s those types of things that get to the root of “Okay, why do I feel the need to spend 1,000 words on something that would take 50 words.” And that’s, I think, really helpful. But it does take some time, some work, some introspection, some honesty, and some vulnerability.

Selena: Takes time to develop those tools and skills to be able to communicate well. So as a spouse of the over communicator, be a helper in your language, your tone and your actions by coming alongside them. Be loving. Remember, we all have struggles, we are all flawed, we all have. We are all awaiting our Savior’s return. So let us be found loving one another, bearing with one another in love, and building each other up in the things of Christ.

Ryan: Finally, we have a helper in this. So we’re talking about how can you help your spouse, but you can’t do it alone. They need the Holy Spirit as well. Again, this is tricky, because we’re not trying to say that if you talk too much you’ve sinned a lot. Like that’s not what we’re trying to say. That’s not something that’s scriptural.

We do know that words matter. And we know that words should be weighed carefully, namely, words that have to do with, you know, deeper subjects. I’m not talking about grocery lists. I’m talking about the kind of… So let’s ask the Holy Spirit. Let’s not forget we are Christians, we are indwelled with the Holy Spirit. We are transformed daily by him. He is at work in us.

And the way he will work between us is through us, right? So as I talk to you, he’s working through me and you, and vice versa. So don’t forget that. Pray on your own, pray together. It helps once you’ve kind of broken the ice on this topic and you said, “Okay, this is something we’re all aware of. Ideally, your spouse would say, “You know what? You’re right. I kind of knew that but I didn’t really know how to…”

Selena: That might take some time.

Ryan: And then they go off on some long things [inaudible]. But you can help them and say, “Okay, let’s pray. Stop talking, let’s pray.” [both chuckles]

Selena: “I’m gonna pray.”

Ryan: “Yeah, I’m gonna pray.” [both laughs] Because it’s midnight and we need to go to bed. [both laughs] That’s got to be your heart orientation is that you can’t do this alone. In fact, that’s the whole heart orientation behind fierce marriage and the whole reason we do what we do is that marriage is not easy. But with Christ, with Christ, following his covenantal path for marriage, it can be wonderful and you can flourish in that.

And if you’ve been listening to us, you got a sense that we are Bible-believing Christians, we’ve read scripture. But we do that because we believe it’s authoritative. It changes our hearts. The Holy Spirit changes the hearts, and brings us into the kingdom of God.

If you want to be a part of that family, we’ve set up a website just for you. It’s It has information on what it means to be a Christian. If you already are a Christian, and you know somebody in your life, who doesn’t really know the details of what it means or how to walk that path, this is an easy way for you to show them, to introduce them to what you believe, and to invite them into belief themselves and placing their trust in Christ.

So we want to call you brother, we want to call your sister in Christ. And we look forward to meeting you someday on this side of eternity, or the other. So That’s just for you. Check that out. Let’s pray.

Selena: Go ahead. [chuckles]

Ryan: Lord, I thank you for the spouses that are listening to this, watching this. I pray that you give them wisdom as they navigate the sometimes tricky waters of communication in marriage. I pray that you’d give them supernatural wisdom and discernment in the words that they choose as they navigate, whether they’re the overcommunicator, or whether they are married to one.

I pray that all this will be done in charity, with grace and with love. That it would be driven by the desire to be closely connected in new ways. Lord, I pray that you would purify hearts as they pursue these hard conversations so that you might be glorified and we might be made better in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Selena: Amen.

Ryan: Once again just a quick thank you to our Patreon supporters. We couldn’t do this without you. If you want to find out what it means to become one of those, it’s the few, the proud, the elite, That will redirect you right where you need to go. We look forward to seeing you in there.

But with that this episode of Fierce Marriage is—

Selena: In the can.

Ryan: We’ll see you again in seven days. Until next time—

Selena: Stay fierce.


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