In marriage we experience seasons of loneliness.
Depending on the season of life you’re in, our definitions of loneliness look different but leave us feeling the same – alone, disengaged, frustrated and sometimes lost.
Here are a few ways I’ve dealt with loneliness lately:
- Kids: it’s so easy to fall into parental roles and ignore spousal roles. To simply go through your day doing everything for your kiddos (which is great; they are a blessing), but it’s an area I feel lonely because Ryan and I can get task oriented.
- Work: speaking of task oriented…With both of us being self-employed, everything rises and falls on us. Our time spent on career can often pull away from our marriage. Any extended periods of time where career has been the focus often leaves both of us feeling alone and frustrated.
- Fight: After we have an argument or disagreement and are struggling for a period of time towards a resolution.
- Personal struggle: we all have something we are dealing with in terms of ourselves (body image, social insecurities, etc.) – often these can alienate us from our spouse which only increase our feelings of loneliness.
I think it’s safe to say that none of us enjoy dealing with these feelings and seasons, and my prayer is that this post will remind us all of His love, and presence no matter the level of loneliness we’re facing.
No Quick Fixes
I say all of that to hopefully alleviate the pressure, that comes from all different sources, to “get over” feeling alone. Too many times we underestimate the complexity of our hearts and the fact that feelings like loneliness are often a by-product of a heart issue that needs the touch of our Healer’s hands.
Even in the midst of trials, like feelings of being alone in our marriage, we need to rest in the fact that He never expects a quick fix to a complicated matter of the heart.
He is always with us, loving us and sanctifying us.
I’ve also learned that maybe there is more to this situation than how I am feeling at the moment. When I take a step back and ask the Lord to open my eyes and my heart to what He’s doing, I’m reminded that maybe He’s trying to teach and transform my heart.
In His good, higher (Isaiah 55:9), loving, and gracious way He often allows the fire to be turned up in our lives to show us more of who He is and to reset the focus back onto Him.
Asking the Right Questions
Many times I’ve found myself asking questions like “How can I connect with Ryan more?” or “When can we do a date night and get some good talk time in without baby?” and, “What am I doing wrong? Am I doing anything right?”
Are these bad questions? No. Not by most standards, however, they often aren’t the right questions for figuring out what is really going on.
Again, our feelings of loneliness tend to flow from deeper issues of the heart.
When I start feeling lonely in my marriage, I ask myself these 3 questions:
Why do I feel alone in my marriage? Where are these feelings coming from?
I’ve learned that when I humbly and sincerely dig down the “why” hole, God is faithful to show me the real issue. It’s not always pretty, but that’s ok!
It’s important for us to experience the power of the gospel washing over areas of our hearts that haven’t been surrendered yet. Especially the blind spots that can produce feelings of loneliness that might be a result of a deeper struggle/sin.
What does God’s Word say?
After determining the heart issue (or even before), I can now look to God’s Word and be reminded of His promises and the fact that His presence never leaves me; there’s nothing that can separate me from His love and that He is faithful and more than able to bring fulfillment and healing that is deeper than what I’m experiencing in this moment.
What do I pray for?
Lastly I reach out to my community, of Godly women, and vulnerably ask for prayer.
I ask them to pray specifically for me, my feelings of loneliness and that God would continue to make His lesson for me clear, but also that He would be glorified in this struggle and that my victory would only be possible by Him and because of Him.
An easy prayer? No way; but worth it – His way is always worth it.
We can remember the fact that He has overcome death and sin. That this battle of feeling alone is a temporary furnace that might be a little uncomfortable for the moment, but by God’s grace and His faithfulness, will bring eternal and immeasurable healing and fulfillment to our hearts.
You are Never Alone
FM family, please know that you are never alone. We are praying for you and battling with you.
The gospel is so much bigger, deeper and robust than we can ever comprehend which means that you are never alone, even in your loneliest moments, He is there.
He is omnipresent, meaning He is ever present.
One last beautiful truth: His presence is not determined by our devotion to Him.
He is present because He is; the great I am.