• Recommended resource:
  • thenewsisgood.com

Selena: Today we’re going to be exceedingly practical. Because for all the talk around communication, we tend to speak, primarily, to the heart orientations around the conversations that you have, as a couple.

However, it’s still very helpful to know your predispositions. And lots of people have done lots of studies on this. So we’re going to talk through those, today, just in brief. Articulating the four communication styles. So thank you for joining us and we’ll see you on the other side.

[00:00:25]

Ryan: Greetings, and welcome, once again, our lovely Fierce Marriage proprietors. Thank you for joining us. Lending us your ears, your eyes, your attention. Sunny is with us. If you hear baby sounds, that’s who it is, it’s not Selena and it’s not me.

By the way, I’m Ryan and this is Selena. We’re the Fredericks. We do Fierce Marriage on Tuesdays. Fierce Parenting, if you’re a parent, check that out. Those podcast episodes release on Thursdays on the YouTube channel. But also under the Fierce Parenting podcast, do check that out.

Selena, we are one week, as of the date of the release of this video, from our new communication books being shipped out, and I have good news for you. I was on the phone, with our publisher, today, and because of the number of books we ordered, we had our own semi-truck, right, Sunny?

Selena: Wow.

Ryan: Our own semi-truck with a driver dedicated, driving across the country.

Selena: Just for our books, oh, my goodness.

Ryan: It’ll be here in a few days, and we might be able to ship those out sooner than we thought. So that’s really cool. Actually, by the time this goes live, we will have the books in hand.

Selena: Wow.

Ryan: Because right now I have the book in hand, but it’s got this “Not for presets” [Inaudible 00:01:35] art copy, and it’s got this stripe through the middle. We’re going to grab the baby. We’re going to change the baby; we’ll be right back. Folks, when you talk about marriage a lot, it’s inevitable that you’re going to get some babies in the mix [both chuckling]. We got a baby.

Selena: She’s mixing it up.

Ryan: Mixing it up. Yes, and lightning fast diaper change on Selena’s part. So, yes, I was just talking about the books that came out. We have these-

Selena: Are you sure you want to show them?

Ryan: Why wouldn’t I show the book? Because it’s already out.

Selena: They’re already out? Okay, sorry [both chuckling].

Ryan: Where have you been?

Selena: Under my rock, okay.

Ryan: Shoot, I just lost my spot. Anyway, the book looks like this. And if you haven’t seen it, yet, and you’re on the podcast, it’s got these sound bars on it. Now here’s a little Easter egg.

Selena: Easter egg, you know how we like to put those in our book?

Ryan: Now, we put Easter eggs in all of our books. And some of them I tell you about, some of them I don’t. This one I have to tell you about because no one will get it. If you put the two books side by side, I don’t have How a Wife Speaks with me. But if you put the two books side by side they create one long sound-

Selena: Wavelength, sound like.

Ryan: …wavelength sound bar, graphic, and it’s actually this, it’s me reading the Greek of John 1:1 which is [00:02:40 reading in Greek] yes. But it’s cool because that passage is, “In the beginning was the Word, the Word was God, the Word was with God.” It’s all about the word being the way God communicated Himself to us, and why words matter.

Selena: Yes.
Ryan: So we took that approach with these books. Anyway, I just wanted to share that. I was going to read an excerpt, but I went long on that part, so I’m going to stop. My wife made fun of me for reading, for saying the Greek. I had to memorize it.

Selena: And Sunny laughed. Well, as you were saying it and I was going to butt in and say it because we’d memorize it together. But, then, you said it so fast so I can’t show off my Greek skills.

Ryan: Oh, sorry, that’s why you were giving me sass? Anyway, so that’s there. You can still get those on preorder. Just go to fiercemarriage.com/speak and we want you to do that. We’re very excited for all the folks that are jumped on board.

But, actually, this content, today, comes from a primer that we prepared that goes alongside these books, and those we’ll ship with the books, and it’s free of charge. It’s a brochure type thing, but it’s got these four communication styles and also five conflict tendencies.

Selena: Mh-hmm.

Ryan: And it’s just a primer because we don’t cover that stuff in these books. Because that kind of stuff is in lots of books.

Selena: Well, yes, and it wasn’t really the point of our books. It was not to identify your communication style. It is helpful, which is why, again, we’re inserting this tool, sending it out to you. Anybody can use tools, but are we actually getting to the heart of how to use them” Are we, actually, getting to the root of what the communication issues are?

Yes, I can understand my style and my conflict, but let’s pull back the layers a little bit more. So we gave this to you as a tool. We’re going to talk a little bit about it today.

Ryan: And, by the way, well said, my love, very well said. If you preorder you’ll get access to a communication, we’re calling it a master class, that may be a misnomer, we’ll see.

But the point is we’re going to cover these communication styles in the master class, in greater depth. You’re going to have a chance to do a short communication style assessment. But that master class comes with a preorder of these books, otherwise, it’s going to be extra. But, for now, it’s free for the preorder.

So communication styles, let’s just name them first. And, then, as we name them, we want you to consider the following- What are your individual communication styles? Meaning you’re going to have one that you gravitate toward. Then you’re going to have one that you, maybe, on a whim, you’ll do another style if you had your weedies that morning [chuckling].

Selena: Right.

Ryan: And, also, what’s the communication style of your spouse? And, then, in light of those things, how can you show support toward one another, and that’s part of this. This is all coming out of this tool that we created for you. That you’ll get if you preorder these books or anytime you order the books, rather, and here they are. Selena, let’s just name the four communication styles right off the top.

Selena: Yes. Feeler—
Enthusiast—
Analyzer—
And mover—

Ryan: Mm, and depending on where you go, for these, you’ll find, basically, those ideas. Now, they might use different words.

Selena: Yes, they might have different titles.

Ryan: These are words that are unique to this pamphlet. Because, frankly, I thought these were better than the ones that I saw. And, so, let’s just talk through these first, and here is what you got to keep in mind. These all fall on an XY axis, and they’re like a matrix. So you have on the Y-axis, on the vertical axis, you’ve got sensitivity, and on the X-axis, you’ve got flexibility.

Selena: Mm.

Ryan: So you’ve got sensitivity, flexibility, and lots of flexibility, not so much flexibility. Lots of sensitivity, not so much sensitivity.

Selena: Right.

Ryan: And, so, each one of these is going to be a balance of those two factors at play. So the first one we’re going to talk through is going to be the analyzer. Analyzers are low on flexibility and low on sensitivity.
Selena: Okay.

Ryan: In terms of this being your communication style.

Selena: Okay.

Ryan: So how would you describe an analyzer, Selena?

Selena: I feel like, as I’m reading it, I’m like, “Yes, that’s probably me analyzing it.”

Ryan: Really?

Selena: Well, that’s how I view myself, maybe, it’s not accurate.

Ryan: This is good.

Selena: Thinker, detailed, focused, tends to be precise and efficient, organized, handles complexity well. Can be a perfectionist, definitely, this is a weakness.

Ryan: So these are weaknesses, you just described it. Now, what are the weaknesses?

Selena: Sorry, can be perfectionist—
Overly detached from feelings—
Inability to articulate emotions—

Detached from feelings, at certain points, I think, not always detached, for me. But I can detach my feelings from something that I know to be true.

Ryan: So, right out the gate, you’re just claiming analyzer?

Selena: [laughing] I think so.

Ryan: Okay, so this is helpful. So analyzers are irritated by a lack of thoughtfulness in your response.

Selena: Yes. In my response or other people being lack-

Ryan: In someone responding to you.

Selena: Yes, because I appreciate how thoughtful you are.

Ryan: And what that means here is not thoughtful in that, “Oh, you were thinking of me.” No, it’s thoughtful and you’re thinking through your response before you’re giving it, that’s what that means.

Selena: Both I would appreciate and I would be irritated by the lack of those. Sorry, go ahead.

Ryan: Analyzers are irritated by unpredictability, and they don’t like being surprised.

Selena: Surprise party, sure. But, yes, being surprised.

Ryan: Yes, like if I change plans last minute, you’re like, “What?”

Selena: By just saying that makes my stomach just turn a little bit. And I’m like, “What plans? What are we changing?”

Ryan: Which I am not that.

Selena: So how can you support me?

Ryan: So since this is you, apparently, I can show you support by learning to speak with precision.

Selena: You already do.

Ryan: Yes, I support you all the time, constantly.

Selena: Schedule time, intentional communication, and you do that. Plan and reply thoughtfully, you do. That’s why I always feel supported.

Selena: What are you.

Ryan: So analyzer low on sensitivity, low on flexibility.

Selena: Right, I’m not great at that. I try to be, though, I’ll try to be. Do you think I am that, analyzer?

Ryan: I think you’re going to think you’re every one of these, just being honest. All right, the next one we’re going to talk about is Feeler. So low on flexibility, but very high on sensitivity. And when we say sensitivity, we don’t mean that they’re, overly, sensitive.

We just mean that they’re in touch with emotions. They’re sensitive to emotions, to the emotional feelings of those around them. So if I were to describe a feeler, I’d say this they are a relator. They relate to people more easily; they get along more easily. They’re supportive by nature.

Selena: I feel like that’s me, I really do.

Ryan: What do you want to be? They’re loyal, they’re consistent, they’re a good listener.

Selena: The real question is; do you think that I’m those things?

Ryan: I’m not answering that.

Selena: That’s a trap.

Ryan: Because weaknesses come later [both laughing]. They’re understanding, they’re dependable, and they, typically, concentrate well. And the weaknesses are this because they’re quiet. They tend to not speak, readily, they can foster resentment, that’s the weakness. They can avoid confrontation, and they lean toward passivity.

Selena: All those things, check, check, and check.

Ryan: Are these like horoscopes where everything applies to everyone?

Selena: No, you know we don’t believe in that voodoo.

Ryan: No, because everything applies to everyone. Okay, so what is the feeler irritated by? I’ll read it since you’re getting the baby, they’re irritated by unpredictability. Again, this is the low flexibility side.

Selena: Yes, which is the same as an analyzer.

Ryan: Yes, and they’re irritated by-

Selena: Lack of awareness, insensitivity.

Ryan: As she interrupts me, [Selena laughs] I was going to tumble.

Selena: Well, is this you? So if it’s not you, it won’t irritate you?

Ryan: Yes, but you said you were the feeler and you would be doing the thing that you would be irritated by.

Selena: Seems like that’s probably true, huh?

Ryan: Yes, how can I show my wife support who is an analyzer and a feeler?”

Selena: [laughing] And an enthusiast and a mover?

Ryan: I can build and maintain trust. Again, since flexibility is on the low end, we’re going to plan for conversations. Be dependable, grow in your own emotional awareness and maturity. Now, you’re looking at me like I should get-

Selena: Grow in emotional awareness and maturity.

Ryan: So as a supporter of a feeler, I need to grow in this ways.

Selena: You need to grow.

Ryan: I need to grow in this ways, apparently. This is great. This is going well. This is going great for me [Selena laughing]. So I get to be the other two now.

Selena: It doesn’t mean that.

Ryan: Okay, fine.

Selena: Okay, I’m just curious to see what you’re because I know you’re not a feeler. I think you would, right now, I think you’re more of an analyzer than a feeler, but let’s keep going. So enthusiast, descriptor?

Ryan: So enthusiasts are high on sensitivity and they’re also high on flexibility. So these are going to be the extroverts in the room, typically, when it comes to communication. Now, these aren’t personality types, but obviously personality informs how we communicate.

Selena: Yes.

Ryan: So they’re going to be more expressive, social, generally, more enthusiastic all the time. Optimistic. They’re very flexible. They enjoy the moment. They’re characterized as fun.
They’re not the only fun one on the list, but fun is so high that it made it on their descriptors list. Naturally good with people and intuitive.

Selena: [chuckling] This is not me.

Ryan: What are the weaknesses?

Selena: This is not me. I think this is you a little bit [laughing].

Ryan: Okay, what are the weaknesses?

Selena: It can be intense.

Ryan: And I said that like four times, “Give me the weaknesses, come on.”

Selena: Lacks seriousness [laughing].

Ryan: This is great. This is going very well [laughing].

Selena: It’s just organized [both laughing] I’m sorry, I’m looking at the office [both laughing].

Ryan: Just let her get it out [both laughing]. And scattered. We’re in the office right now, and you can’t see it, but there’s stuff everywhere.

Selena: Not our office, it’s his office-

Ryan: It’s the office, all right. And your children coming here, your children.

Selena: See how fun he is? He’s so fun. He enjoys the moment. You’re really good with people.

Ryan: So how can you show me support? Not by laughing at me.

Selena: Now, what are you irritated by? Rigidity.

Ryan: Yes.

Selena: Routine, my inability to adapt.

Ryan: Yes.

Selena: Lack of flexibility, [both laughing] all the things that I am, just kidding. How can I support you?

Ryan: Oh, let’s hear it.

Selena: Oh, my goodness, I’m just curious.

Ryan: You can listen to my ideas and dreams without getting bogged down by details. I wrote that thinking of you.

Selena: This is so accurate [laughing].

Ryan: I wrote this, by the way. So I wrote that thinking of you. So maybe I wanted you to see because I’ll be like, “We should get a goose.”

And she’s like, “Detail.”

Selena: And these are the reasons like-

Ryan: I’m like, “Let me dream.” All right, dream of geese.

Selena: Let them talk openly and freely, show visible enthusiasm. The reason why I don’t do that is because you often take that as a green light. When I show the visible enthusiasm, that doesn’t mean that it’s a green light to go and do, oh, gosh all the things.

Ryan: Okay, well, I happen to think I’m more on this end of it, and this is the final one that we’ll cover, today. Well, it’s the final one that we have. Low on sensitivity high on flexibility. So low on the feeling side high on the flexibility side. The mover, communication style number four. Descriptors; they’re decisive. Think of like the A-type personality. Accomplished, driven, goal-oriented.

They’re direct, they’re more assertive, assertiveness is good, in this case. Motivated by outcome and goals. I don’t tend to be that motivated by outcome and goals. Am I wrong in that? [both laughing] More than you though.

Weaknesses they can be abrasive, steamrolls others, intense. Again, very intense, sometimes. Can be overly competitive and potentially controlling [both chuckling]. She looks at me.

Selena: Just kidding.

Ryan: Don’t you dare do that. Don’t you dare look at me like that.

Selena: You’re irritated by inefficiency, hence the leaf blower this weekend.

Ryan: Oh, yes, aargh!

Selena: Indecision, incompetence, obscure communication. That is so your irritants right there.

Ryan: Yes.

Selena: The things that irritate you.

Ryan: How can you show support to this person and it may or may not be me.

Ryan: Speak in plain terms. Yes, you would appreciate that even though I think that I’m speaking in plain terms. Again, why these books will help you. Show enthusiasm for goals, be a team player, prioritize action. Does that ring true for you?

Ryan: Yes, I would say so. We’ve read all these, we’ve gone through them. Now the question is listener, viewer, which one are you? Which one is your spouse? And knowing that, how does that help you, now, communicate in a more loving, in a more godly way?

Another thing we talk about in these books is creating a communication culture in your home that is sustainable, and healthy, and good. And if you just know your communication styles, if you know your predilection.

Well, what you would gravitate toward, you can learn to lean into the strengths and fight the weaknesses. And if I know that you’re a certain style, then I can play to your strengths and I can support you.

Selena: Right.

Ryan: And if I know that changing plans, last minute, grates on my wife and it puts her in an emotional state-

Selena: I just have to say, “It’s okay” about 50 times to myself, and then we’re fine.

Ryan: Yes, so if I can’t avoid the need for flexibility. I can at least preface it with something that will, at least, soften the blow.

Selena: Right.

Ryan: Which there are many cases in our lives where I’ve not softened the blow. I’m just like, “It’s just a fact that’s just what happened, it changed. I can’t do anything about it, cope.” [Both chuckling] and you love that. So these are tools. These are tools and, like I said, this tool is available to you next week. We will cover conflict tactics. So there are five conflict tactics.

Selena: Oh, bring it on.

Ryan: Yes, that’ll be interesting because there’s a certain, we’ll get into it next week. But the idea with this is that it’d be intensely helpful. If you’re reading the books, as you get into them, that you can say, “Okay, I have these kind of baseline identifiers. These terms have been defined.

Selena: Mh-hmm.

Ryan: Now I can, eyes open, move forward into the heart domain.” And knowing why do I lean into these weaknesses? Why do I foster resentment, if I’m a feeler? Or why am I so intense when I’m communicating? And hopefully that’ll bless you and, hopefully, that’ll help your marriage as you, seek to be healthier, stronger, communicators. Do you have anything else to add?

Selena: I’m just saying, how is the Lord asking you to grow in these? Yes, you may be really good at relating to someone, getting along with someone, understanding them, being dependable.

But what does that look like in a God honoring way in your marriage? Do you lean on those too much and are you not seeing your weaknesses? And, again, we’re not here to navel-gaze. We’re not here to just analyze ourselves, just to analyze ourselves. The objective is to love each other as Christ has loved us. We can only love because He loved us.

Ryan: Amen.

Selena: And, so, we joke, we laugh, we have fun, and we talk about some of these tangible communication styles. But all to point us back to the One who leads us, who created us, who knows us. Who gave us our spouse to probably help sanctify us in those weaknesses, not probably, but for sure.

There are strengths that he has that I don’t. And it’s not for me to strive to be like Him, it’s for me to be more like Christ, and to be more patient where I am less patient. To be more flexible when I should be more flexible, and that’s a good, Godly, and loving thing to do in that circumstance.

Ryan: Well said. With that said, if you don’t know Christ and we say we want to be like Him. You may not have a clue what that means. We want you to know what Christ is like, and we want you to place your faith in Him.

I think the best way for you to do that is to find someone in your life that already knows you, who also knows Jesus, to introduce you to Christ. That, I think, the best way to move forward there and that would lead, then, hopefully, into a church where you can get plugged in. Where the Bible is being taught and you’re being shepherded by a pastor who’s caring for your soul. That’s the best way to go.

Selena: Amen.

Ryan: If you don’t have a friend to talk to, in that regard, and you can’t find a church. Then we have a website set up to just teach you some of the stuff you need to know. And then there’s actually a tool there where you can find, hopefully, a faithful church in your region. That website is thenewsisgood.com we pray that you would use that.

Let’s pray. God, thank you for the gift of communication. Thank you for the gift of tools like these that we can help put words to our tendencies, our weaknesses, our strengths, and how we can show support to one another.

I pray that you’d help us use these tools, not just, like Selena said, not to navel gaze, just to prop ourselves up so that we know more about ourselves. But, ultimately, that we might glorify you by loving each other in a more holy, holistic way, in Jesus name, Amen.

Selena: Amen.

Ryan: All right, thank you, once again, for joining us. We didn’t mention this, but we do have new partners this week. Elsie, Erica, and Lori on Patreon.

Selena: Welcome.

Ryan: Welcome. Thank you for joining us. If you want to become a partner, we would ask two things that you pray about it, and if the Lord leads you, that you would follow through. And the way you follow through is you go to fiercemarriage.com/partner. And we’d love to have you in there and count you among the elite partners of Fierce Marriage, Fierce Parenting. All right, this episode of Fierce Marriage is—

Selena: In the can.

Ryan: See you again in seven days. Until next time-

Selena: Stay fierce.