Challenges, Dating Your Spouse, For Men, Love

My 3 New Goals for Pursuing My Wife

I’m not a natural romantic; but I think I can change that.

I’m realizing that my ability to love my wife well greatly depends on my intentional, ongoing pursuit of who she is and what she’s feeling. That’s the essence of romance: intentional pursuit. I’m not just talking about covering the bed with rose petals and lighting a few candles. That might be part of it… we’ll see.

Romance… real romance has less to do with what you do, and way more to do with why. At least that’s my hunch.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife more than any other person on earth… without a doubt. I do show her through encouragement and acts of service, etc… but my pursuit often (and tragically) ends there. There’s more to showing her my love than saying “I love you” and doing chores around the house. Both of those things are good…but there’s more.

I don’t naturally think to do things for her that are outside our normal routines. Too often, I fail to put extra thought, time, money, and energy into tangibly showing her my love. Thankfully, God revealed how I can improve in our current season of life.

Ugly Honesty: Exposing my Selfishness

I’m part of a guys group that meets every two weeks to discuss theology, the church, and most importantly… stirring our hearts for Jesus. We began a marriage study recently that includes watching video sessions online and reading The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. When we meet, we answer discussion questions honestly and openly. It’s incredible.

We’re only ONE session in, and I already feel convicted.

Within 10 minutes of going through the first session, I was violently confronted with my own selfishness — my tendency to prioritize myself and my desires over Selena’s. My brand of selfishness isn’t always obvious, but it’s there. In God’s grace, he exposed a blind spot in my heart where I can love her better…to love and pursue her more like Christ pursues me.

In the videos I watched, two men much wiser than I shared that, as husbands, we must PURSUE our wives with tenacity and boldness. They opened my eyes to the deeper meaning of pursuit. Two ways they described were “discovering her deepest joys” and “providing the safety she desires” through my countenance, communication, and leadership.

This reflection question hit me square in the face:

Question: Are there are new habits, attitudes, or rhythms you would like to adopt in light of this session?

My answer: Conscious selflessness… going OUT OF MY WAY to think of Selena. Looking for ways to discover her joys and give her safety and comfort. Looking for ways to surprise her with adoration, generosity, and love.

The key phrases that stirred my heart were “conscious selflessness” and “looking for ways”. So often, I don’t actively pursue my bride by venturing into new territory to discover her heart — to discover her.

What can I do to change that? Let’s see…

My 3 NEW Goals for Pursuing My Wife

Having been married 13 years, it’s too easy to assume I know her as much as I ever will. This is far from true. Selena has changed so much since we said “I do”; how much more will she change in the next 30 years? In countless ways no doubt. How can I assume I’ll figure her out without the same intentionality I pursued her with when we were dating?

Here are three ways I’m hoping to improve in my pursuit, and grow in selflessness toward Selena: by taking time to ponder, plan, and probe. All of them start with P, so that’s great… The last one sounds weird, but whatever. :) Alliteration helps me remember things… maybe it’ll help you too!

Pursuit Goal #1: Take Time to Ponder

Simply put, I need to take time to think hard about my bride. As I said before, it’s easy to assume you know you know your spouse and stop pursuing him/her intentionally. I’m taking the time to ponder the following questions and write down my answers:

  1. How is she feeling and why?
  2. What is on her heart lately, and what got her there?
  3. What are her deepest joys, and what can I do to help her feel them?
  4. How can I make her feel emotionally and physically safe — with me, and in general?

A note on #4: security is a big thing to most wives, and I mistakenly assume that Selena feels the same safety I feel. However, she’s much more delicate than me and I must consider her instead of expecting her to “buck up”. This means sympathizing more with how she feels about where we go, what’s happening in life, what people say, etc.

Pursuit Goal #2: Take Time to Plan

Selena isn’t a flower person as much as she’s a “give me time to relax” person. This is especially true with our two kiddos. Nothing speaks to hear more than when I say, “I’ve got the kids tonight, why don’t you go grab coffee and read a bit.” Simple. Or, “I’ll take the kids, you go to [insert event she wants to attend, or people she wants to hang out with].

Of course, each of the above examples takes planning. I need to think about them days…even weeks in advance! This isn’t normal for me. With all the daily work I have to do, I must carve out intentional time to think, plan, and execute or it will never happen. Then, I just need to put dates on the calendar; even the anticipation makes her feel loved and pursued.

Pursuit Goal 3: Take Time to Probe

As I mentioned, my wife is always changing. I need to keep up to speed on what’s happening in her heart, and there’s no other way to do that than to ask intentional questions (a.k.a. probing). Now, Selena isn’t a fan of being psychoanalyzed — who is? If she feels like I’m interrogating her, it won’t work. So what can I do?

Ready for this?… I have to be her husband! (Imagine that.) I must learn and know how to read her and how to ask the right questions at the right time so she doesn’t feel targeted by my inquisitions.

Discovering my bride isn’t something to check off a list — it’s a lifestyle of pursuit. It never ends… but that’s marriage. That’s extravagant love. That’s pursuit.

The Wonder of Pursuing as One Pursued by Christ

None of the above makes sense without Christ. How can I be selfless if marriage starts and ends with me? Even my desire to pursue her will be corrupted by selfishness. If I want a happier marriage for me, then knowing her is just another means to get what I want.

But, if pursuing Selena for her — regardless of what it means for me — is my goal, then I’m reflecting what it means to be pursued by Christ. Only Christ’s love is deep enough and inexhaustible enough to fuel selfless love in marriage.

This is exactly what Paul meant when he told husbands to “love their wives as Christ loved the church.” (Ephesians 5:25)

If marriage is a reflection of the gospel, then how I pursue my wife should reflect how Jesus has pursued me: with untiring, relentless, selfless, and sacrificial love. Surely… in light of Jesus I can pursue my bride better than I ever have before. In time, I’ll see how well she feels loved.

Discussion Questions:

  • How can you pursue your wife/husband in light of how Jesus pursues you?
  • What can you do differently to ponder, plan, and probe in the name of pursuit?

Feel free to leave answers/comments below.

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  • profipix

    A wonderful and simply incredible article to read! I appreciate you taking the time to write this. I’m in exactly the same boat as you are in thinking of how I should be pursuing my wife. Thank you for your wisdom and letting our Father use you in many people’s lives.
    God bless.

    • So glad to hear that! It feels good to not struggle alone, and I’m grateful if my journey helps anyone who reads.

  • growthtrac

    Ryan, excellent.

  • Brett Wyrick

    I’ve been married for nearly 7 months now and this advice is golden at this moment. I found myself up late last night with my wife feeling terrified of a trip to a third world country we’re about to take – to the point of that she said she doesn’t want to go. She’s scared because she’s looked into the physical safety risks that come with traveling to such a place, and I haven’t. Trust is built with intentionality, I’m finding out the hard way. I’ve been finding that how intentional I am with plans and following through with plans directly relates to her feelings of security and safety. It’s overwhelming, at times, in all honesty – but I suspect this is common to the growing pains of learning to live and be with someone in the vulnerabilities of marriage.

    Intentionality is key in making sure our wives feel secure with us – as off-the-cuff as I like to live at times, I know she needs someone who’s consistent and intentional.

    Thanks, Ryan. I really appreciate this article and it’ll be one I read over and over again.

    • We’ve had the same conversations, Brett. You’re not alone. Great job being intentional with your bride. You will never stop learning how to care for her!

  • Andy

    Would you be willing to share what videos you are watching as part of your discussion?

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  • John

    Thanks Ryan. Needed this today!

  • Steven Johnson

    I really like your posts it helped me well with my wife, when I felt she was changing I needed to be sure I had to contact Mr incognito [email protected] to help me check her texts and calls, I am happy I did

  • Marius

    Wow Ryan, this is a nugget and so speaking into the season I find myself in. Thank you for your openness with this excellent strategy. Bless you in your intentional pursuit.

  • Jeff Davis

    Awesome job Ryan, Perusing our wives takes daily concentration, and attention. I have been married for almost 25 years and I am still learning about my wife. She does grow and change all the time just as we do.
    I tell all the couples I work with that they need to put each other first after God of course. And the men that to be the greatest leader in their house is to be the greatest servant. That to Love our wives as Christ loves the Church and died for her, is to put her first in everything, and if we always consider her feelings in all we do, and put her first in our hearts, then submission is desired by her. Who wouldn’t submit to someone that put’s their needs and desires ahead of his own.
    Again awesome job.
    Jeff Davis

    • Sarah Carter


  • Loren

    Thank you Ryan! This absolutely confirms my decision to only take one class next quarter. This quarter has absolutely killed me. Working overtime AND going to school, gone from my house 5am to 8pm, Mon-Thurs. Those days my wife is essentially a single working mother (yes, she has to work too, in order to make ends meet). Mind you, these things aren’t happening because I’m crazy about career & money. I’m not at all. In fact, I’m still trying to establish a career trajectory! That’s a loooonnnng tangent story though. Our goal indeed is to make enough money to where my wife can be a traditional stay-at-home mother.

    Again, thank you for this article & other challenges. I’m lacking a group of men to talk about this Bible, church, marriage and all this kind of stuff. So this (and a few other subscriptions) is where I get it from for now! Keep it up brother!

    FYI: we met briefly when you spoke at a couples’ retreat in Leavenworth for Canyon Hills Community Church, about two summers ago I think.

  • Rocky

    Man this has come in handy. Very practical and helpful. The questions to ponder on are sharp and I see them yielding good fruit for my marriage.

    There is a quote you’ve made that’s triggered a reflection point. Would you comment on how to watch out for idolatry that might sneak up on one as he tries to pursue his wife ‘regardless of what it means’ for him?

  • chris

    Hey Ryan thank you for this! I know my wife has a strong desire to be known by me and in need to get better at this! I can definitely improve in the romance Dept too!

    Enjoyed your post!