Communication, Love

Stop judging your spouse

After reading Matthew 7, I was challenged with the idea of judgement and hurt. How judgement hurts our spouse, ourselves and our marriage.

How many times have I passed judgement on Ryan? Neither of us is perfect, but I love you no matter what

I’m not talking eternal judgement (that’s God’s realm), I’m talking the cranky me who didn’t get enough sleep and suddenly feels the right to pridefully judge (i.e. nit pick) every small thing he does wrong and somehow relate it to a bigger issue in his life, that he needs to deal with.

Levels of judgement

Wives, you know the voices, Why does he throw his dirty clothes on the floor, 3 FEET from the laundry basket?! He is such a messy person. Or maybe in the midst of an argument about who does the most valued/important work in life, you’re angrily thinking about how he doesn’t do this or doesn’t do that because he obviously doesn’t care about you or your family.

On a deeper level, maybe there have been things your spouse has in their past that you’ve forgiven and put behind you, but then that heated argument begins and how dare he/she say that! Did he/she suddenly forget their big mistake 3 years ago?!

Matthew 7

See judgement is typically not productive…it’s harsh.

It comes from pain and leads to pain.

Jesus explains the whole judgement process in Matthew 7:1-4 (ESV),

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgement you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is a log in your own eye?”Our story is far from perfect, but it's ours.

Jesus says, “Don’t judge” why? Because then you will be judged.

Been there…Most of my insecurities as a wife stem from me passing judgement on another wife.

We’re not suppose to judge our spouses…at all.

(Side note: There is warning about judgement in the bible, but the context is talking about false prophets. (Matthew 7:15-20))

Wait, what?

I know what you’re thinking, “What? You’re kidding.” Nope, and writing it even looks crazy to me.

We’re not suppose to judge, we are suppose to help (vs. 5)

In Matthew 7: 5 (ESV) Jesus says, “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

Two things to take note of, (1) first getting the log out of our own eye will help us take it out of others and (2) the bible uses the word “brother” – indicating a relationship.

When we approach a brother or sister in Christ, out of relationship, and after first going to Christ, then we are better able to help them.

Our roles

Part of our roles as wives and husbands is to help each other take the specks out of each other’s eyes. How can we do that if we don’t see clearly because of the logs in our own eyes?

Only when we’re humble and going first to Jesus to help us, can we begin to take the “log” out of our eye.

In other words, when we start passing judgement on our spouse, we need to stop and take it to Jesus.Marriage: Backup plan? LOL

Asking him to search your heart (Psalm 139:23) and to help you get the logs out.

Why? So that we can operate out of a position of love and not judgement.


How are we showing Christ in us to our spouse when we judge them?

Again, vs. 5, “then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

Once we see clearly, which typically means a little repentance in our own life, then we can go to our spouse and see what is really happening in the situation.

Nine times out of 10, it’s a miscommunication, or there is a deeper issue happening that needs to be dealt with in love.

Leave judgement out of your marriage and let Jesus’ love flood into your lives.

Seeing clearly doesn’t mean you’re better, it means that you can now lovingly speak to your spouse and deal with the true issues in a kind, loving and Christ-like way rather than arguing and becoming more disconnected.

Share: Encouraging Marriage Images About Connecting

Sharing openly with friends is a great way to encourage your spouse and others. Just click an image and select where to share it – the text will be pre-populated. There are many more images to share available here.


Have you heard of the The 31-Day Pursuit Challenge?

Every marriage begins with passion, purpose, and pursuit, but few stay that way. That’s why we wrote Husband in Pursuit and Wife in Pursuit Together, they make what we’re calling the 31-Day Pursuit Challenge. Couples are encouraged take the challenge together. We’re already starting to hear stories of transformed marriages! Are you up for the challenge?

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