There are thousands of posts online about “how to communicate” in marriage and how to argue in a healthy way. But what if you want to be truly terrible at it? Where do you turn for advice? Well, friends, you’ve come to the right place!
Here are 10 horrible tips for marital communication. No matter the topic of your disagreement, if you follow these horrible tips, you’ll be that much closer to your ultimate goal during all marital fights: WINNING.
1: Only think about what you’re going to say while your spouse is talking
The whole point of communicating is to be heard. Duh. Make sure you use your long-awaited talking time wisely by carefully constructing a sound argument and sequence of events while your spouse is speaking.
Tune them out while you find the most poignant points to make, then organize your thoughts into a thoroughly tight argument. That way, you’ll not waste any more time than is needed before you can get on with whatever you were doing before the argument started.
2: Roll your eyes and use apathetic body language
What’s the best way to let them know you dissent? A perfectly timed roll of the eyes! Also, augment your ocular disapproval with carefully careless body language. Look away, turn away, or just sit lazily like you don’t care.
For extra effectiveness, insert a quick “pffffttt!” or a dismissive laugh, especially if they say something that might go against the point you’re trying to make. They’ll soon understand that they’re in the wrong.
3: Be louder, talk over them, and use the most shrill tone you can muster
Listening is a waste of time, especially if you know what they’re going to say before they say it. The best way to cut ’em off at the pass is to simply be louder, more ear piercing, and more eager to speak (as evidenced by talking over them).
4: Use logic, and if necessary make your spouse feel dumb
Feelings aren’t valid, and emotion shouldn’t be a factor. Make sure your spouse knows this, it’s the only way to move toward resolution. Nothing is more important in a marital fight than cold, rational logic. Use logic to discredit not only their feelings, but also their mental capacity for understanding the “real issue” or logical chain of events, which of course, you fully grasp.
5: Use dismissive language
A well timed, “whatever” will let them know you’ve got the upper hand. Your spouse will appreciate how unaffected you are by the conversation and more than likely, they’ll see things your way.
6: Use as many absolutes as you can
Are you absolutely right? Sounds like it’s time to use a few absolute statements! Statements like “you always” , or “you never” are incredibly efficient ways to show your spouse the error of their ways (and just how often they’re in error).
Use big, broad sweeping statements about your entire marriage to illustrate how right you are and have been the entire time.
7: Use bargaining chips, threaten to withhold something they want, like sex.
Does it feel like you’re losing the argument? Grasp victory by threatening to withhold something your spouse enjoys or desires, like sex. After all they can’t have sex without you, so you’re sure to tip the scales in your favor!
8: Use the Bible to your advantage, however it serves you best
That’s why the Bible is there; to use as a weapon against those who disagree with you (hello, that’s why it’s called the “sword of the Spirit” right?!?).
Context? Who needs it. Humility? Overrated.
Whatever you do, never look inward or let the Holy Spirit convict you when you read Bible verses or remember them, especially during a marital bout.
9: Remember: there’s no way you’re wrong
Don’t listen to them; they’re wrong and you’re right… and don’t forget that. The whole reason you’re arguing is because they won’t see things your way. Is it possible you’ve misunderstood them? Nope. Is it most likely that they’ve not heard you? Sure is!
Never turn the finger inward, always wag it and point it at them (figuratively and physically if needed).
10: Multitask, preferably by fiddling around on your phone
How else are you going to beat your Angry Birds score? Curious about the latest sports scores or celebrity gossip? Time to browse Twitter! Make sure to use your time wisely while you’re waiting for your turn to talk.
Can’t listen and fiddle simultaneously? No problem, you’re just waiting for an opening to speak anyway (refer to #1 above).
I hope these horrible tips have helped you and will serve you well in your next marital argument!
Do you have additional horrible tips? Please share them with us in the comments below!
(just don’t be surprised if nobody listens to them)
Top pic by Jeff Marsh