Sex & Intimacy

Tips for Awesome Sex in Your Marriage (part 1)

Sex is awesome. However, not all sex is equally awesome. There are some instances in a marriage where sex is just sex and others where sex is, well… SEX. Why is each experience so different if essentially you’re doing the same thing? Let’s explore…

Husbands and wives will agree that the simple mechanics that define sex are not what make it great most of the time (please consult your birds & bees specialist if sex mechanics are still a mystery).

The key to good sex is intimacy and closeness. Sex is not purely physical, it is designed to solidify intimacy between a husband and a wife.  In the next few weeks I will be sharing some tips that have helped us kindle and rekindle strong intimacy in our sex life. They are in no particular order and the list will continue to evolve as we learn and hear back from you! (All are posted with permission from my lovely wife of course!)

1: Build and Sustain Real Trust

Building trust in a marriage is a full-time gig. It takes years to cultivate and there are no shortcuts. It is a key foundation of marital health, sex included. In the context of sex, trust means you are comfortable with your spouse and able to express yourself fully and vulnerably. Trust enables vulnerability, and vulnerability leads to intimacy in an out of bed.

The best way to build trust is to, well, be trustworthy. This means that you and your spouse have no secrets, are loving and truthful, and guard each others’ hearts like it’s your own. One way to start building trust is to expose any shameful area so you can deal with it together and constructively. Read on…

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2: Be completely transparent about your weaknesses

Pornography addiction is a modern epidemic affecting most married couples. As a guy, if you’re addicted to porn it will skew your view of your wife, sex and sex’s purpose in your marriage. This addiction must be dealt with boldly and definitively but with HUGE portions of forgiveness and grace.

In our marriage, Selena is my accountability partner. She asks me regularly “how I’m doing” in this area and I’ve vowed to never lie about it. This, coupled with X3Watch and my good friend Shawn‘s accountability have effectively helped me “flee immorality” whenever necessary.

Transparency in this area has removed all skeletons and prevented more from piling up in our proverbial closets! It also keeps sexual desire pointed at the right target: your spouse!

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3: Identify the type of sex you’re going to have

In a healthy marriage, sex intensity and purpose ranges from short & functional to intimate & intense; we might call this The Sex Continuum (lol…). 

Short & functional sex starts with the end in mind – usually a physical need that has to be satisfied. This is OK!! For whatever reason, you (or your spouse) may just need something quick & without frills. This may be the case if you’re short on time or just plain tired. As long as both parties know what to expect, it’s a very edifying and intimate experience in it’s own way (emphasis on both).

Intimate and intense sex is more about the journey. This is where you can take your time and really enjoy the process without being rushed or distracted. This type of sex can be part of an incredible date night, or it can be a weeknight where you just have some extra time and energy to burn. Again, as long as you’re both on the same page and know what to expect, you’ll have a great time.

So there are the first three tips for awesome sex in your marriage. You can view the next set of tips here.

How have you and your spouse increased intimacy in your sex life? Are there specific struggles have you had in this area? How have you dealt with them?

Have you heard of the The 31-Day Pursuit Challenge?

Every marriage begins with passion, purpose, and pursuit, but few stay that way. That’s why we wrote Husband in Pursuit and Wife in Pursuit Together, they make what we’re calling the 31-Day Pursuit Challenge. Couples are encouraged take the challenge together. We’re already starting to hear stories of transformed marriages! Are you up for the challenge?

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