Videos, Vlog

Video: What if I’m Unhappy In My Marriage?

In this video we address the marriage myth that says “If I’m unhappy in my marriage, maybe I should get a divorce?”

From what we have found, happiness is best viewed as a result and not an end in itself for a Christ-centered marriage. We may experience times of tension and frustration. When these times arise, we need to see them as times to sharpen ourselves and our marriage in response to Jesus. How can we love each other more? How can we show Jesus’ love better to our spouse?

Thanks for growing with us. As always, your comments and questions are welcome!

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  • Hannah

    Thank you for this video! Just found your blog. It’s great! In the busyness of life, how do you stay spiritually connected as a couple? What types of devotional or study strategies do you use as a couple?

    • Selena Frederick

      Hi Hannah!
      Thank you for your comment. Life can be VERY crazy and busy and if Ryan and I aren’t spiritually connected, it’s obvious. We find ourselves arguing a bit more and feeling distant. There’s this “ugh” feeling that we tend to experience when we know we aren’t connected. That said, we both do devos on our own and often share with each other what God is teaching us. We do the SOAP method (S: Scripture, O: Observation, A: Application, P: Prayer) – sometimes both of us journal and read the Word and write out verses that speak to us. Biggest strategy SHARE SHARE SHARE! Ryan and I LOVE sharing with each other what we’re learning in our studies, what God is teaching us throughout the week, and also how we can uplift each other in prayer. We also try to pray together – sometimes if we’re out of town on business and away from each other, we will pray on the phone together and for each other. It’s a great way to stay connected spiritually. We also let each other know prayer requests for that day/week – texting can also be helpful in terms of instant prayer. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed for Ryan over text – sometimes it reaches the core of who you are to read a prayer from your spouse.

      Hope this helps – and thank you again for your comment! Let us know if we can answer any other questions =)

      -Selena

  • Jessica

    Wow!! Powerful, thanks, spoke volumes to my heart!

  • Stillinthedark

    What if you’ve been hurt over and over again and there’s no more energy. I no longer pray for my marriage. I only pray for me and my sanity, while he now caters to me and prays for the marriage to be restored.

    • JT Trousdale

      @aae99b6b989df4d9f1e047a27668f46e:disqus – If you’d allow me to put your situation into a different point of view maybe you can better understand the enemies way of attack here…you said you no longer pray for your marriage so it’s to be understood that at one point you did, with that being said you have to understand that just like Daniel by the riverside, he prayed and fasted for 21 days for an answer to his prayer. On the 21st day an angel appeared to him and said God heard you the first day but we have been fighting darkness to get your answer here, actually we had to call in Michael the arch angel to come and help us!! 2 things in this story God spoke to me 1.) He always hears a pure heart 2.) The forces of darkness will fight that hard to try and keep from you what you have been praying for, hence long suffering being one of the fruits of the spirit. Just because you stopped praying doesn’t mean God quit listening. The very husband you have been praying for may very well be before you now and satan would want nothing more than to cause you to miss your answer. What if Daniel had gotten tired the 20th day and walked away? I’m not speaking to you from a high point in life I’m actually speaking from your husbands stand point. You see I was the one so consumed with unforgiveness and bitterness that I fell far away from my walk with God. We actually had divorce papers written up and I spoke with a friend and said “Finally I’m done with all this mess, but if I don’t want my next marriage to follow this same road then I HAVE to get back CLOSE to GOD. I did….I pursued it with all my being. And as I started to study on marriage and divorce I realized this wasn’t Gods will. Divorce was a concession to hard heartedness given by Moses…NOT GOD. So I said fine God what do you want me to do….His response was anything but simple, Love your wife like I love the Church. So my next question, “OK, and just exactly how is that?” His response, “Unconditionally, the very way I love you.” So out of sheer obedience I begin to show love to my wife. Trust me at first it was forced, but when you are obedient to God He will give you a new heart. Within a few days my heart had turned from cold to on fire for my precious wife. I begin to look past her and see that the enemy was the one attacking my marriage. You see I had grown so concerned with what she was doing that there was no way I was doing what I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. So I prayed God Change me first, make me the man, the husband you called me to be. He did and is still doing so. I cannot fix the past but I can through Christ who strengthens me change the future. God has blessed me with a new understanding of unconditional love, one that is experienced one that has been tested. You see when I read your comment I literally thought it was my wife, about me…..So ask yourself a humbling question….What if God adapted your current mindset? Where would that put you or us or everyone? God has an amazing plan for you and your precious family. Thats the reason satan fights so hard to destroy it. Have you ever wondered about that?? Why, why so much effort to destroy your marriage? Being a prior Marine we only attacked high value targets when we knew it would cripple the enemies efforts other wise why waste the effort with insignificant people. You see your marriage is NOT insignificant. The marriage of your dreams is right around the corner!!!! Why give up now when the lesson has finally been learned only to marry someone else that has the same experience your husband first had when you got married??? Why give up a seasoned veteran to someone else and let them enjoy the spoils of all of your wars against the enemy??? There isn’t a plan B for God, there is simply HIS WILL and YOURS. Call you blessed!

      • Danny

        I’m in this position right now as we speak. I made terrible, destructive choices during my marriage that I thought would not affect my wife because I was doing my “role” as a husband. I thought that once I was providing and making sure that everyone was comfortable, I was entitled to do what I want because I’m the man of the house. Now, as I sit here facing a divorce that I do NOT want, I have seen all my errors and even continue to find more as I go along. What most men don’t realize is that all of the social stigmas that are attached to our gender slowly deteriorates the emotional connection between a husband and a wife. I made that mistake of following what society expects from a husband versus fulfilling the expectations of God and my wife. Once I had done that, everything else would have followed suit. Now I face, the hardened heart of my wife, losing my children, facing financial hardship, losing my house, and being lonely…all because I was more focused on my macho ego than catering to the sensitivity of my family and being a nurturing husband and father.

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  • Brandon Trott

    Amen!
    Thanks so much for sharing!

  • Darlene Allison McCubbin

    Thanks for sharing what God wants for a marriage.

  • Emma

    Wait a second, do they have children together? How can they give advice on marriage when most married couples have children?

    • We are about 3 weeks from our first child! You’re right, we definitely cannot relate (yet) to married couples with kids. We don’t know everything for sure, but what we do know, we share openly. Thanks for commenting Emma!

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  • Maria

    Just watched this and I am grateful for your honesty, transparency and wisdom. You are wise to seek God’s will first… and “all these things shall be added” (Happiness, or at least contentment, even!) Your ministry has been a blessing to me, even though I am “light years ahead of you” (25+ yrs married, 4 grown children- ) wisdom sometimes comes with experience, but ALWAYS comes from seeking God! I am Thankful for your courage and vunerability to speak into the lives of others along the way. May God bless and protect your marriage and family as you continue to seek/serve Him!!!

  • Talia Decoite

    Wow! I am so thankful for this site. thank you for being so honest with the truth. I loved when you said ” Sometimes Happiest has to go in order for God to move.” SO blessed that I found this site.

    • Thanks Talia, it’s not a popular notion, but biblically true nonetheless!

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